Sep.08.2008 Stephen Colbert’s DNA is going into space
Some asinine project to collect famous (and famous-ish) people’s DNA and send it into space has been getting press for some reason. Anyway, Stephen Colbert is now one of the people taking part.
Should this world ever cease to exist, Stephen Colbert will live on.
The comedian’s DNA will be digitized and sent to the International Space Station, Comedy Central was to announce Monday. In October, video game designer Richard Garriott will travel to the station and deposit Colbert’s genes for an “Immortality Drive.”
“I am thrilled to have my DNA shot into space, as this brings me one step closer to my lifelong dream of being the baby at the end of 2001,” Colbert said in a statement, referring to the 1968 landmark science fiction film “2001: A Space Odyssey.”
“In the unlikely event that Earth and humanity are destroyed, mankind can be resurrected with Stephen Colbert’s DNA,” Garriott said in a statement. “Is there a better person for us to turn to for this high-level responsibility?”
Colbert is the latest in a line of folks taking part, so far including Digg founder Kevin Rose, wrestler Matt Morgan (immortality needs performance enhancing drugs too), Olympic gymnast Scott Johnson, and that dude who did the song Cliffs of Dover, Eric Johnson. So don’t worry, the future will be safe with a bunch of guys mixed together to make a new society that is witty, nerdy, athletic, kind of gay, and capable of playing very difficult Guitar Hero songs.
I’ve tried to shoot my DNA into space several times, but usually (at best), it ends up hitting the ceiling and dripping back down onto me, making me feel like a third rate star of a bukkake film. Sigh. One day my testes will have the propulsion needed. One day.
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Mar.17.2008 Woman gets jerked off on in plane. Read that again.
Anything I give you here will just sully the beauty of this article. So read the snippet below.
A 21-year-old Harris County woman filed a $200,000 lawsuit against American Airlines alleging employees on a flight to Los Angeles from Dallas/Fort Worth Airport failed to protect her while she slept from another passenger who masturbated to her and ejaculated in her hair, according to a lawsuit she filed last week in Tarrant County.
The woman slept most of the flight, but awoke about 20 minutes before landing when the pilot announced the plane was on decent into Los Angeles. When the woman opened her eyes, she saw that an unknown man had moved into the seat next to her and was staring at her as he masturbated, the suit states. The woman turned toward the window in embarrassment and in an act of nervousness began to run her fingers through her hair where she noticed “a substantial amount of an extremely sticky substance in her hair,” the suit states. The woman began to cry and tried to get the attention of a flight attendant, but was unsuccessful, the suit states.
Finally a passenger in the row in front of the woman comforted her and verified the semen in her hair, the suit states. When the plane landed, employee called airport police and the man was arrested. The suit alleges that the during the investigation, American Airlines employees told police they witnessed the man move from his assigned seat into the row where the woman was sleeping. The woman is seeking punitive damages and a jury trial.
I like women. But honestly, I could never BE a woman. Getting yelled at on the street by random dudes, groped in bars, getting roofies in my drink more than I already do now (which is like 6 times a night, easy). But you throw plane jizz on there and it’s like, “What the fuck? My ovaries are a curse! I thought my little brain was my main negative! Oh gosh, let me go make some more cakes.”
On the plus side, my semen cures cancer, so when you get it in your hair, the correct response is “Thank you sir. Might I trouble you for some more?” I carry cups around with me and just splash it on every 300th woman I see. My way of giving back.
