Apr.22.2008 The April 22 Hot Link Orgy

The hottest orgy with competitive usage of pillows

–Heard of competitive pillow fighting? No? Well, now you have. [Cuzoogle]

–Heidi Montag did or said something dumb. [The Superficial]

–Jessica Simpson celebrates Tony Romo’s birthday in classy, face-licking ways. [ICYDK]

–Emma Watson is celebrating being 18 by wearing see-through underwear. Just like I celebrated my 18th birthday! [Egotastic]

–Hot girls have a knack for picking wonderful gentlemen. [Hottest Girls of Myspace]

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Apr.09.2008 Jessica Simpson has a pretty hearty beard

Uh maybe Esquire and I have different perceptions of what’s sexy, but the cover of this month’s issue, which features a topless Jessica Simpson shaving her face, is not something I’d value too much.

It’s supposed to be a throwback to a cover from many moons ago that featured some old whore Virna Lisi (I don’t know who she is and, let’s be honest, what am I going to do “research”?). It just kind of strikes me as odd. Like I guess the idea that she’s topless is wonderful; she has great breasts that deserve to be featured alongside large bolded words that seem to spout gibberish as though they were from A Beautiful Mind. But no matter how sultry a look someone makes, it’s hard for me to be sexually intrigued by them when they’re shaving a beard, no matter whether it’s an imaginary beard or not. Unless they’re Abe Lincoln, I guess. Man, what a sweet ass he had. He can emancipate my loins any day.

For the rest of the images from her feature (which are less beardful), head over to Egotastic.

Apr.04.2008 Perez Hilton says John Mayer is bi

I’m not a big fan of Perez Hilton for various reasons (including but not limited to my distrust of any fat, mean-spirited homosexuals) but this story certainly struck my fancy. Apparently he’s saying that John Mayer’s bi and that he made out with him in NYC last year.

“He is definitely bi,” Hilton declared on Ryan Seacrest’s KIIS-FM radio show, adding that Mayer is “struggling with his sexuality.”

Of their liplock at NYC club Stereo last year, Hilton said, “He kissed me, and I kissed him back. It was on the mouth with tongue.

“I thought he was messing with me,” Hilton went on. “Then he kept going and going.”

Hilton claims Jessica Simpson — Mayer’s girlfriend at the time — didn’t mind.

“While John Mayer and I are making out, she is rubbing his crotch,” Hilton recalled.

Mayer’s rep tells Usmagazine.com, “This is all so ridiculous.” Simpson’s rep had no comment.

I don’t know, I find this hard to believe on so many levels. Not only is Perez Hilton a fat, unbearable boor, but John Mayer was getting Jessica Simpson’s stank all over him at the time as well. That’s like driving a Ferrari one weekend, then deciding you’d like to push a soap box derby car the next. A soap box derby car with a dildo on the driver’s side, I’d presume.

Even with my heterosexuality cast aside, I’d rather kiss a pit bull than Perez Hilton. Or a hemorrhoid-infested anus. Or a bear trap. Or a rusty samurai sword. Or a midget without a tongue. So yeah, I could see how John Mayer would fall for a man like that.

Mar.04.2008 Tony Romo and John Mayer are going to slapfight

When it comes to the fair hand of the Talentless Maiden Jessica Simpson, Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo don’t play around. He won’t clap for you, John Mayer!

It was an awkward red carpet this morning at Cosmo’s Fun, Fearless Male Awards with Jessica Simpson’s current beau Tony Romo rubbing elbows with her ex, John Mayer. And while both men behaved like gentlemen on the red carpet, Tony didn’t feel like extending the courtesy once they were inside. John was named Cosmo’s Fun, Fearless Male of the Year during the ceremony and an eyewitness tells PageSix.com, “When John stood up to accept his award, Tony sat in the audience, very much a gentleman, but did not clap. He supported his honey — in spirit.”

So what’s the deal? Is Jessica on the selection committee or does Cosmo have an ax to grind with the singer? Oddly, last year’s big honoree was Jessica’s ex-husband, Nick Lachey, and in addition to Tony and John, Dane Cook was also dubbed to be fun, fearless and male this year (he was linked with Jess while filming Employee of the Month). Looks like the other recipients — Animal Planet’s Dave Salmoni, Peter Krause, Dave Annable, MySpace’s Tom Anderson, John Krasinski and Common — have some explaining to do… or something to look forward to!

I like that Page Six is basically calling Jessica Simpson a slut. Which is cool. Because she totally is! It’s called reporting, look it up.

Anyway I’m a Cowboys fan, but I really kind of want to throw something heavy at Tony Romo. He’s just acting like such a bitch lately. This is not how I need my QB to act. I need him to like, punch other men in the face or perhaps drunkenly run them down with his SUV. Not go “Ooh you are such a meanie, I am not going to clap for youuuu.” What a foppish way to get back at a dude who plowed your chick before you. Get your act together, Romo.