Oct.27.2008 The 7 most unspeakably creepy clowns
I came across this photo from I-Am-Bored and instantly was brought back to my childhood irrational fears of clowns. This post is a public service for you if you’re thinking about being any type of clown for Halloween. We all hate clowns, to some extent, and you have these 7 fellows to thank.
via Gigglesugar
Ronald McDonald
Famous for: Giving to sick kids and clogging their arteries simultaneously
Sure, he’s designed to lure kids into loving the McDonald’s brand, but Ronald McDonald is a creep, plain and simple…there are hours of footage from commercials to back it up. For example, his TV debut:
He can cure all the sick little kids he wants, but it’ll never make up for the 10 he undoubtedly tortured for days on end in his dark basement. Sure, the smell of fries was welcome at first, but that quickly evaporates when you find a crazed clown mounting you like a steed while demanding that you say “I’m the Hamburglar and I need punishment for my crimes.”
The Joker
Famous for: Criminal activities, Fighting against the rampant outbreak of seriousness
He’s been an urban terrorist (The Dark Knight), an evil prankster (Batman cartoons), a former gangster (Batman…the first one), and an incompetent homosexual (Cesar Romero, as seen below, in the original Batman series). Clearly any of these would strike fear into your heart.
The reasons you’d find The Joker terrifying is pretty simple. He’ll make some snappy little remark, possibly shoot you in the face with a flower, chuckle, and probably kill you. But at least he’d look like he’s having fun doing it, if that’s any consolation.
Slightly unrelated, but I think the best way to write Heath Ledger/The Joker out of the new series of Batman movies would have been a note saying “The Joker died on the way back to his home planet”.
John Wayne Gacy
Famous for: Entertaining dozens of local kids in Illinois with his exciting clown performances, Killing them
John Wayne Gacy lived for two things: Murdering young boys and balloon animals. You can probably guess which one of those led to his downfall. And yes, in spite of the dangers involved of a balloon animal lifestyle, it was the young boys.
It’s a shame, because he seems so well-adjusted in the interview above. And by well-adjusted, I mean well-adjusted to his zeal for being a complete creep who refuses to admit to the fact that he killed a bunch of people. He does seem fairly well spoken though which is good because you don’t simply become a serial killer dressed like a clown by using poor grammar and broken English.
Pennywise
Famous for: Being really really creepy in the book/TV movie It, Poor dental hygiene
If Pennywise were a real guy just hanging out in a clown suit and killing people, that’d be terrifying enough. But the fact that Pennywise is a shape-shifting manifestation of evil that likes to kill kids, well, that’s just a cherry on top.
It really says something about the horror you can inflict on someone if you can appear in someone’s head, throw some blood balloons, hump a rail and yell some shit and they run away in abject terror. It also really allows you to just kick back and enjoy being a disembodied evil spirit. It’s so easy to get caught up in all your work that you forget to really enjoy what you do. Not a problem for old Pennywise.
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Aug.04.2008 The August 4 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy with dog vomit
Today’s reason why you should never trust a dog in the video above. Ever since a collie stole my identity, this became my life’s mission.
-Redneck stabbed over cheap beer
-Hookers may be the only thing to keep the US from Olympic Gold
-Sophie Monk went to buy a Ferrari, brought boobs with her
-Women wrestlers are tough, capable of caning many people (w/ video)
LINK OF THE DAY: Arizona State has an undie run that may very well top all others
-Heath Ledger offers something a little different in this version of The Dark Knight
-Audrina Patridge and Nereida Gallardo both love to frolick on the beach
-Canada has new female stomach-inspired holiday
-Becky Hammon is the hottest woman in the WNBA but also a traitor to our fair America
-Patrycja Mikula: Hard to spell, easy to find unbelievably sexy
-Cougars are loose on major college campuses
-Remember Tara Conner, the disgraced former Miss USA? She has a tell-all book full of saucy details
-Christina Applegate’s breasts are now full of cancer but her island remains full of whore
Aug.04.2008 Mary-Kate Olsen is shady when it comes to Heath Ledger
I don’t know a whole lot about how to kill Heath Ledger (I assume that, based on his portrayal of the Joker, he’s impervious to punching, more punching, explosions, and Christian Bale’s stupid gravely Batman voice), but I know how I’d probably avoid prosecution for his death. I’d probably want immunity before discussing it with the Feds, like Mary-Kate Olsen.
Actress Mary-Kate Olsen has refused to answer questions from federal authorities investigating the accidental overdose that killed actor Heath Ledger until she receives immunity from prosecution, The New York Post reported.
The former child-star, famous for playing Michelle Tanner on “Full House,” was a close friend of Ledger’s and the first person called after her masseuse discovered Ledger’s body in his Soho apartment in January, The Post said.
But federal officials could force the actress to tell them details on the “Dark Knight” star’s drug use and events leading up to his death if they obtain a grand-jury subpoena.
Reports were, of course, that Olsen and Ledger were boning leading up to his death. Which would probably make me overdose on things to numb the pain too…I think having sex with Mary-Kate would be like putting my genitals in a meat grinder while smashing my pelvis into a brick wall.
I’d have thought if anyone from Full House were going to fuck and murder Heath Ledger, it’d be Dave Coulier. Or maybe those twins who played the sons of John Stamos and Lori Loughlin. Where have they been during all of this? Up to no good, I bet. Probably doing mischievous things and going “Doubletrouble doubletrouble doubletrouble doubletrouble,” hanging around with mysterious Latinas in red trenchcoats. We’ll get them, Chief. So help me, we’ll get them.
Jul.22.2008 Christian Bale is a little…beat-y
How do you celebrate the biggest grossing weekend of all-time? If you’re Christian Bale, allegedly beating your mother and sister. Fun!
The Dark Knight just got a whole lot darker.
British police sources tell TMZ Christian Bale has been arrested and is still being grilled on allegations of assaulting his mom and sister Sunday, the night before the London premiere of “The Dark Knight.”
The official word from Scotland Yard is that “a 34-year-old male” was taken into custody “in the late morning today” in a police precinct in Central London (Bale is 34). They tell TMZ that the allegation emanated from another police agency, but that the incident in question took place in London.
Maybe instead of playing Batman, he should have played Beatmom. No? TMZ already has a monopoly with more “Two-Face” jokes than you can shake a stick at, so we have to make due with other references here. Though apparently they think Christian Bale’s mother is a mummy or something, based upon their usage of the word “mum”.
Now, unlike Christian Bale, Heath Ledger is a star you can get behind. He wasn’t getting in trouble this weekend. He was just chilling out, laying around, really soaking in all the accolades (and top soil, one would assume).
