From some hot dog place in California…

This is like finding out that not only does Santa Clause not exist, but that the man with the flowing white beard who used to appear in my house and eat all my cookies was not only having sex with my mom, but also draining my college funds, shitting in my bathroom and not flushing, and facefucking me while I dreamed of that awesome new Nintendo game. I hear in this game there are pixel-y graphics and you jump on things! It’s a real keeper!

[WWTDD is owed gratitude]

Everyone’s favorite story of “sort of attractive teacher fucks minor” is back! This time, it’s a 29 year-old and a Buffalo high school teacher who were found after going missing for a day.

A missing 14-year-old student and his female teacher both have been found safe — he in a Hamburg mall, she found sleeping in her car in Springville.

Nicholas G. DeJesus, a South Buffalo Charter School student from West Seneca, had been missing since he left the school on South Park Avenue without permission Monday afternoon.

Teacher Cara Dickey, 29, of Clarence had been escorted from the school after her suspension Monday morning.

Ellis provided few details about Dickey’s suspension or any possible relationship between the student and teacher.

“What we do know is that the student and the teacher were found separately,” Ellis told reporters in a short briefing outside the school. “We have no idea about them being together.”

Officials said Dickey, who is married, was located between 11:30 a.m. and noon today, about an hour after the boy was found.

I mean, she’s not like super hot…kinda chubby, could stand to do a little cardi…OH WAIT THIS IS BUFFALO. OH MAN, SHE’S LIKE THE HOTTEST THING TO EVER STEP FOOT ANYWHERE NEAR RALPH WILSON STADIUM STADIUM!!! I mean, have you ever MET a girl from Buffalo? They generally look like…uh…well, a buffalo.

It’d be pretty funny though if they both just disappeared independently of each other though and your mind automatically assumes that they were boning something fierce. Try proving you didn’t have sex with a minor when you disappear at the same time. Seriously, try. Because I’m not succeeding at it. Do you know how hard it is to browse the Internet when you know that your laptop could get confiscated again at any time? Sigh.

At a hotel spa at the Marina Del Ray in California…

First of all, Britney’s kinda fat. Kinda very fat. That isn’t so much a towel as it is a blanket for a whale’s bed. But what’s that Daily Mail?

Earlier she had been at a gym in Culver City, Los Angeles, as reports today suggested she is now spending six hours a day working out.

Uh, six hours a day working out? We sure about that? Because unless your workout includes you doing squats into a 10 foot tall vat of brownie batter and then eating your way upwards to survive, I’m pretty sure you shouldn’t still look quite like THAT. You don’t necessarily have to transform into a supermodel (or, depressingly, what you looked like when you were 18) overnight. But looking less like a beanbag chair would probably be ideal for that amount of time invested.

I cover (read: insult incessantly) a lot of ridiculous things here and, unfortunately, that confuses Google Adsense. Like, seriously confused. Check out this ad I just saw on the Blog of Hilarity home page…

Yes, finally, I’ve secured an advertising placement from GayChubbyDating.com (as a warning, you may not want to click that link unless you like seeing hairy chubby gay men in bicycle shorts with their legs spread…it’s safe for work, but probably not safe for your heterosexuality and standing in society).

Please speak up now if you’re a regular reader and love chubby gay men. I guess I could be wrong that this doesn’t appeal to my audience, but man, I’m really hoping I’m not. Just FYI - I am neither chubby nor gay. And I’m reasonably hair free (not like in a creepy albino way, but like, you know, in a cool way). And if you are a lover of chubby gay men, I really hope you can do better than the disaster in the ad above. Or the guy on the site. Seriously. I weep for you.

[Please allow me to get rid of Google Adsense forever by buying good ads from my ad sales department at adsATblogofhilarityDOTcom. Seriously, I'm dying over here.]

The hottest orgy with both zombies and strippers.

–That Zombie Strippers movie with Jenna Jameson has a trailer. [On205th]

–Notre Dame football coach Charlie Weis’s diet is going great. [Busted Coverage]

–Old Milwaukee Light is your official king of beers, according to the 2008 World Beer Cup. [Tasty Booze]

–Amy Winehouse needs alcohol to babysit. I need condoms! Aw awwww. [Best Celeb Gossip]

–Fergie is looking good in a bikini. [Egotastic]