Aug.05.2008 Bailiff shot by pair of pants
Sometimes a story just catches your eye. Like a story about a pair of pants that shot its owner.
Police believe a court baliff’s pant leg may somehow have caused his weapon to fire last week at Merrimack District Court.
Bailiff Logan Crocker was wounded in the ankle when his pistol went off while in an ankle holster last Thursday.
Police say Crocker was not handling the weapon at the time. But Deputy Police Chief Mark Doyle told the New Hampshire Union Leader that Crocker was moving his trousers or hiking them up, and something along his trouser leg may have grabbed the hammer or trigger and caused the weapon to fire.
If I had a dollar for every time a pair of pants has shot at me, I’d have like no dollars. But a pair of pants did kill my grandfather. These pants, they have no respect for our laws or our lives. That’s why I refuse to allow any of them to touch my skin. Filthy pants with their penchants for crime. And if they’re not committing a crime, they’re just laying around, getting fat off of my tax dollars. Popping out more and more baby pants. And these pants are always so well-hung too. They have some sweet deal, let me tell you. What’s next? A pair of pants being elected President? THESE PANTS ARE RUINING OUR COUNTRY AND NO ONE IS DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
[Artist's rendering of a separate pants crime, above]
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Jul.28.2008 DEVELOPING: Kim Kardashian has feet?
A real stunner comes out of Malibu today…It appears that not only does Kim Kardashian continue to exist once you get past her huge Big Mac-aided ass, but she even appears to have lower extremities, including but not limited to feet! Who knew?
We all know my thoughts on Kim Kardashian and how I feel like having sex with her would be like fucking Little Miss Muffet’s tuffet, but what we don’t know is my thoughts on the following: Pirate fetishes. I know that it must be out there. But seeing Kim Kardashian with one boot on, hobbling around like a old seaman ready to “loot me plunder” and leave barnacles all over my back makes me wonder where the pirate fetishes are in mainstream media? I’m sick and tired of not being able to jerk off to pirates. Um. Theoretically. Put your pants back on, Red Beard.
Jul.18.2008 Lindsay Lohan is starting to look like her stupid girlfriend
Lindsay Lohan’s dyking has been well-established by this point. But now she’s blatantly stealing bits of her stupid super-lesbian, boyish girlfriend Samantha Ronson’s look.
The photos above and below were taken from the Sephora 10th Anniversary red carpet, which is pretty ironic considering that Ronson dresses like a 10 year-old Anthony Michael Hall. A bit of a stretch? Perhaps. But she’s ruining my Lindsay with her expert box munchery and suave lothario moves. One day we will meet in the fields or war, Samantha Ronson. I have no doubt that you are a noble warrior. But there can be only one. *cue kickass Black Sabbath music
Jul.02.2008 The July 2 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy with hatred for black presidential candidates
-City vehicles in Orlando sprayed with anti-Obama sayings (w/ video)
-The treadmill desk is like torture for lazy fatsos
-Alex Rodriguez isn’t only boning ugly, old, muscular Madonna…check out his other 9 celebrity crushes
-Holly Madison has boobs for days
-Marty McFly has his own Nikes coming out
Jun.19.2008 The June 19 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy with Jungle Fever
–Gemma Atkinson likes black dudes. [Banned in Hollywood]
–Literally no one came out to an Iowa Cubs baseball game (w/ awesomely depressing photos). [Busted Coverage]
–Porn ho Tera Patrick is here for you. [The Beer Goggler]
–It may not be logical to have naked women in a women’s fashion magazine. [On205th]
–Javon Walker of the Oakland Raiders needs to get well soon. Or die. I’m nonplussed either way, to be honest. [Mac G's World]
Jun.13.2008 Lindsay Lohan will remove clothing for your credit card
This is a photo from something called VISA Swap in the UK.
Upon her appointment Lindsay said, “I am so excited to be involved with this year’s Visa Swap event. The concept of swapping clothes, getting something for nothing and refreshing your wardrobe appeals to everyone. Ethical stories continue to dominate the news agenda and it’s great when fashion projects benefit charities. I had such a great time at the Visa Swap campaign shoot, the clothes I wore were all vintage designer pieces which you just don’t see every day!”
I guess it makes sense that Lindsay Lohan would take off her clothes for something involving exchanging clothes for charity, but at the same time, I’m just confused and aroused. I do like her can-do attitude though. Her solution for everything seems to be “Let me take off my top” for this. More women should look up to Lindsay Lohan instead of like those Sex and the City bitches. She’s a drunken sometimes-lesbian from a broken home who was funny in one movie and can’t seem to/doesn’t want to keep her heaving breasts contained. How is that not what every girl dreamed of from a young age? That’s why I go to the playgrounds with a flask and a warm smile. Gotta learn some day, girls. Gotta learn some day.
[Info/image ganked from The Superficial]
May.08.2008 Designer Marc Jacobs is ear deep in cock
I don’t really care in the least about the comings (pardon the pun) and goings of fashion designers. But this item in today’s Page Six about designer Mark Jacobs and how he’s got so much boy butt that it concerns people amused me.
MARC Jacobs is treading a thin line, his worried friends say. The fashion designer - who has been in and out of rehab over the past two years - showed up to the Costume Institute Gala Monday night two hours late with yet another nameless young man in tow.
“He spends most of his time partying until morning in Paris,” a friend said. “It’s out of control. There’s always a different boy and everyone is worried he’s going to pull a Halston” - referring to the legendary designer whose work suffered due to drinking and drugs. Halston died of AIDS in 1990.
Jacobs, since breaking up with his former rent-boy boyfriend Jason Preston, has been linked with porn star Erik Rhodes, boy toy Austin A. and now the new mystery man. But his personal troubles don’t seem to be affecting him professionally. Word is his champion, Anna Wintour, will honor him at next year’s Costume Institute Gala (this year’s honoree was Giorgio Armani).
If you’re a top level fashion designer, I have to imagine that makes you like King of the Gays (perhaps only falling behind popular homosexual club owner and small shorts supplier in the Gay Food Chain of Command). So given that, I don’t think it’s so shocking he’d be with a lot of dudes. But gay guys are ALWAYS with a lot of dudes. I’m pretty sure even the most conservative gay guy just got fucked seven times in the period it took me to write this post. So Marc Jacobs must be out there like a dictator committing racial extermination, just piling up bodies. Only instead of the gas, they get to familiarize themselves with the entrance to his colon. Just like Pol Pot!
