Dec.01.2008 Britney Spears is back
And not in the sense that she’s like living and doing music and whatever because frankly, who gives a fuck? She could be gargling words like she was Terri Schiavo but if she looked like this, I’d probably call it a triumphant return for all involved parties.
The clip above is from British TV show “X-Factor”, which is either about the amazing talents people have as performers or about the extra chromosome present in “special” children. Either way, Britney seemed to be a more-than-adequate choice.
I think it’s really inspiration how Britney Spears has gone from sexy jailbait to complete fucking mess to perfectly acceptable piece of ass. It really all comes down to perseverance and a willingness to flash your vagina to willing paparazzi then cease flashing your vagina to willing paparazzi. That’s actually just one of the tenets of life (not to be confused with the “tenements of life”, which would be an appropriate name to call Britney’s diseased netherworld of a womb).
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Nov.24.2008 Hannah Montana episode banned for insensitivity towards…
Take a guess what group would be offended by this episode of Hannah Montana (just watch it and ask questions later):
The answer is of course the diabetic. You see Hannah’s goateed friend has diabetes but Hannah and her chick friend take him to a sweet 16 party with candy and sugar-filled items everywhere. Apparently the diabetic kid is also retarded because in spite of his diabetes, he tries to eat every sugary item at the party. Then Hannah and her chubby friend confront Lord Scruffychins about his diabetes and he comes clean about how he was embarrassed because people with diabetes should always be ashamed.
I think this episode went far, but not far enough. Why not have Miley Cyrus and her paunchy pal lure Ol’ Goat Face into some sort of trap, pretending that they want to have a raunchy threesome with him? Then, when he gets there, the girls lightly make out with him and tie him down and blindfold him, promising extremely kinky adventures. But then they just insert candy canes up his ass and dip the tip of his penis into a bucket of sugar. Then they go, “See, maybe you shouldn’t hide your diabetes” and when he wakes up from his coma, I bet he’ll have learned a really important lesson about friendship and being comfortable with who you are.
[Part 1 of the episode here, part 2 here. Via Buzzfeed]
Nov.21.2008 Real life Carls from Aqua Teen Hunger Force
I came across this today and found it to be pretty awesome. Adult Swim is casting real life versions of Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force for some reason (probably to get innocent gentlemen like me to post it), but they’ve made some interesting finds. Take a look at a couple of the better ones:
I’d say the last one is my fave. The impression isn’t so strong, but he’s really living the Carl lifestyle. And the gag about the box and his mouth is just hilarious. Well played, you viral marketing geniuses. See, you don’t have to make the idiots in Boston think they’re getting blown up to have an effective marketing tool!
Nov.14.2008 There’s a new Watchmen trailer
I’m not like Comic Book Dork McGee or anything, but this movie is apparently all the buzz so a good amount of you might be interested in it. The movie The Watchmen has a trailer being attached to the new James Bond movie Quantum of Solace, which hits theaters tonight. And here it is, because you’re special to me.
It does look pretty cool, I must admit. And the Smurf lover in me really approves of all the blue cock being flaunted around by Billy Zane’s Dr. Manhattan character. It’s like I’m Smurfette at the gang’s holiday Christmas party!
Nov.12.2008 Man breaks a fuckload of cement blocks
Okay so I just saw this on one of our lovely advertisers (G4TV’s new show Human Wrecking Ball, whose ad you can see below) and thought “Holy shit that’s fucking cool”. See, I do believe in the crap sponsoring me. Check out this video of the show.
Tell me that isn’t the most badass thing you’ve seen since you saw me fucking that army of terrorist supermodels into surrender. What can I say, I do what I can for my country, that’s just what a hero does. And what I am. A hero.
Anyway check out their site for more videos (or, if the ad is showing view it there…a man’s gotta eat yo).
Nov.05.2008 Steven Seagal runs like a bitch
I’m not entirely sure why, but this may be the funniest video I’ve seen on the Internet in a while. Sure, you may not have thought of Steven Seagal in years…but check out the clip and you’ll have a whole new affinity for him.
The description of the video on YouTube encapsulates it pretty nicely:
Steven Seagal doesn’t run a lot. This is presumably because running everywhere would not be very in-keeping with his established lethargic style. Sure Seagal is a bad Mother-F, trifle with him and he’ll be on you like a flannel, but all credibility goes straight out the window when he is forced to apprehend a trifler (or bad guy). His involuntary circular hand action (when running) is beyond ridiculous. Where some people say he has a “style of his own”, I prefer to say “he runs like a mincing homosexual”. Hopefully this video reflects my point. GO SEAGAL!
That guy is right. The only way Steven Seagal could run with more of a gay lilt would be if he were bleeding from the anus with a guy named Big Jorge running behind him. He runs like he’s trying to limply swat away miniature flies perpetually circling his torso. Not very badass at all, Mr. Seagal.
Nov.03.2008 The 6 cartoons most likely to make you get out and vote
It’s that time of the year where everyone casts a vote for a candidate but, more importantly, casts their support for democracy. But if all the celebrity endorsements and media blitz weren’t enough to make you run out and place a vote for either of the two Presidential candidates, maybe these cartoons might make you see the importance of getting out and voting.
South Park
Episode: Douche or Turd
Lesson: Turd sandwiches make viable political candidates; Your vote doesn’t matter
In this pre-2004 Presidential Election episode, South Park Elementary’s mascot, the Cow, has been deemed inappropriate by PETA. So the school decides to elect a new mascot with candidates created by the students. This leads to a campaign being run by a Turd Sandwich and a Giant Douche.
And it featured a call to action from Diddy to Stan to get out and vote.
At the end of the episode, Stan decides to vote for Turd Sandwich. But then, the school opts to just use the Cow mascot again instead of the Giant Douche or Turd Sandwich, meaning Stan’s vote was completely meaningless. Kind of like being someone trying to vote for Al Gore in Florida in 2000.
While I would hate to dispute the credentials of Turd Sandwich, I’d have to question his existence in the first place. A Giant Douche has its uses…after all, women in the WNBA have to be cleaned somehow. But a Turd Sandwich? Why that doesn’t sound delicious at all, sir.
The Simpsons
Episode: Treehouse of Horror VII’s “Citizen Kang”
Lesson: Democracy just doesn’t work, particularly when aliens are involved
Loveable aliens (well, as loveable as someone trying to destroy our planet can be) Kang and Kodos decide that the best way to enslave all Earthlings is by taking over for Presidential candidates Bob Dole and Bill Clinton. Here’s how Kang, in the form of Bob Dole, won votes at a pre-election stump speech.
Unfortunately Kang’s promises of miniature flags never came to fruition as, instead, upon winning the election (yes, Bob Dole won the election…I know, that’s a bit far-fetched even for a cartoon), he opted to enslave all of the Earthlings to build a laser to attack another planet. Which sounds illogical until you realize that it undoubtedly saved us an attack from Neptunian terrorists and their weapons of mass destruction.
