Aug.25.2008 The 7 most hilarious TV addictions of all time
You may be familiar with A&E’s hit show Intervention, a show chronicling people’s journeys to get a loved one into rehab. It’s real, gritty, touching, and often depressing. Addiction is a serious problem, when presented in most situations. Unless it’s taken so far that it becomes hilarious.
Saved by the Bell’s Jessie Spano (Elizabeth Berkley) was feeling a bit overextended. You see, Zack had an uncle who was looking for a hot new girl band…somehow performing at local burger joint “The Max” would end with the girls of SBTB being the female New Kids on the Block (which, at the time, was not meant to be hilarious). Anyway Jessie is doing way too much…class, singing, buying leg-warmers, so she takes caffeine pills. This ends with a caffeine pill binge, Zack coming to save Jessie from herself and, of course, a stirring rendition of The Pointer Sisters’ hit “I’m So Excited”.
When you wake up one day in the gutter with a bottle of Jolt Cola by your side, then and only then will you know Jessie’s pains.
HBO wasn’t always a safe haven for well-acted, critically acclaimed drama. For categorical evidence, look no further than HBO series Lifestories: Families in Crisis. Let’s be honest…Ben Affleck, not so great of an actor. And when you combine his poor acting with heavy-handed afterschool special-ish TV, you get this gem about steroid addiction. Check out Ben Affleck’s roid rage from Body to Die For: The Aaron Henry Story.
Roid Rage is thrown around quite a bit by the media, often in sensationalist ways. But one needn’t look further than the grounded portrayal of steroid addiction painted above to understand the gravity of the problem. Particularly the smashing, woman punching, and floor humping involved.
Beverly Hills 90210’s Dylan McKay (Luke Perry) was always the quintessential rebel with a heart of gold. Presumably gold due to all of the Goldschlager running through his veins. Dylan liked the drugs and, more importantly, the alcohol. In the clip below, he walks into a benefit and finds that Brandon (Jason Priestly) is dating his on-and-off girlfriend Kelly (whatsherface). If there’s a problem kicking your feet up on the table and drinking wine out of the bottle can’t solve, I haven’t seen it.
Fans of the show would be dismayed to find Dylan upon his return to the show casually drinking champagne with the rest of the 90210ers. Because alcoholics who went to rehab always like to hang out with some alcohol after achieving sobriety yet somehow avoid relapses. Truly a realistic depiction.
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Jun.23.2008 The June 23 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy with a fruity throw
–Pete Wentz threw out the first pitch at the Cubs game this weekend. Like a girl.
–Cleveland Browns QB Brady Quinn needs college to boost his self esteem.
–Lauren Conrad has surprisingly ample cleavage.
–Who robs a store with a piece of tree? (w/ video)
–Jesus Christ rode dinosaurs (w/ the most kickass image ever)
Apr.25.2008 The T-Rex is basically a large chicken
So if you’re a T-Rex I have bad news for you this morning: It turns out, you’re really just a large chicken.
Tyrannosaurus rex just got a firm grip on the animal kingdom’s family tree, right next to chickens and ostriches.
New analyses of soft tissue from a T.rex leg bone re-confirm that birds are dinosaurs’ closest living relatives.
“We determined that T. rex, in fact, grouped with birds — ostrich and chicken — better than any other organism that we studied,” said researcher John Asara of Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center and Harvard Medical School. “We also show that it groups better with birds than [with] modern reptiles, such as alligators and green anole lizards.”
When reached for comment, Tyrone Rex said, “FUCK NAH YO.” All the dinosaurs I reach for comment tend to be ethnic.
I guess that while physiologically there are similarities (this may surprise you, but I’m not a scientist and am incapable of disproving these accusations), I’ve also never been terrified of a chicken eating me whole. Or tipping over an outhouse while I’m in it. Or was that a velociraptor. Or that spitting dinosaur. Man those things were pretty cool. I don’t even know if they really existed, but I remember when that one spat in Newman’s eye in Jurassic Park and I was like, “Wow. That is a dinosaur that you should respect.”
Anyway given these findings, T-Rexes sound delicious and I would like to eat one. Please serve one up to me stat, Kennedy Fried T-Rex.
Mar.06.2008 Housework may get you more ass
Hey men, take out the garbage because, if you do, you’re TOTALLY getting laid tonight! Not from me. From your ho. I’m not that nice.
American men still don’t pull their weight when it comes to housework and child care, but collectively they’re not the slackers they used to be. The average dad has gradually been getting better about picking himself up off the sofa and pitching in, according to a new report in which a psychologist suggests the payoff for doing more chores could be more sex.
The report, released Thursday by the Council on Contemporary Families, summarizes several recent studies on family dynamics. One found that men’s contribution to housework had doubled over the past four decades; another found they tripled the time spent on child care over that span.
“More couples are sharing family tasks than ever before, and the movement toward sharing has been especially significant for full-time dual-earner couples,” the report says. “Men and women may not be fully equal yet, but the rules of the game have been profoundly and irreversibly changed.”
I’m not sure I agree that the rules of the game have completely changed. I mean, I guess you can’t just club her in the back of the head to have sex with her, ideally after the pot roast has finished. And yes, I guess they come close to making as much money now. And they can vote…
Man, this is just depressing. Why couldn’t I have been born a caveman? Or at least been able to act in a movie portrayal of that B.C. comic? Things were so much simpler then. You kill a mastodon, have your woman cook it, club her over the head, talk to the dinosaur-like bird who serves as your dishwasher, get big ribs to tip over your car. The simple things in life. Sigh.
