Chace Crawford is like the gayest thing to ever homo his way out of Buttsexville but for some reason there’s always articles about how he loves women (overcompensation…something I know all too well, sigh). Here’s what he wants in a perfect date.

While Chace Crawford’s Gossip Girl character Nate Archibald may hit all the New York hotspots, in real life the actor plays it cool – especially when it comes to first dates.

“The ideal, I think, when you’re starting out, is something low-key, like playing the [Nintendo] Wii, ordering in pizza and then grabbing a beer,” Crawford, 22, told PEOPLE at Wednesday’s launch of the Stoli Hotel in Manhattan.

But come time to step out, the actor says he’d take off “to a concert in Central Park or an NBA basketball game, if she likes sports.” (His teams of choice? “The Dallas Mavericks and the Dallas Cowboys – I’m a Texas kid!”)

Crawford famously dated Carrie Underwood – until the pair split up over text message – but now says he’s single, being so busy with work and his fitness regimen.

“Part of me being single is focusing on my work right now,” says Crawford, who joked, “I’ve been dating my gym bag for a while now.”

He forgot to mention that his gym bag is where he keeps his 18 inch black dildo. I guess some things are just better left to the imagination.

My perfect date? The kind of girl to come over with her sister and best friend and show a boy a good time. With her mouth. Show off how flexible she is. Just really take control of the situation. Yes, I love when women perform a combination of a circus/vaudeville act for me on a date with a trusted associate. Then blow me while their friend tickles my balls. See you think I’m going one way then I change tracks then I do it again and POW surprise punchine!

Look, seriously, I get it okay? Chace Crawford totally doesn’t enjoy the company of men in his butt and enjoys sex with beautiful women. Stop with your high-profiled publicity placements telling me that!

SHORTLY after breaking up with Carrie Underwood via text message, “Gossip Girl” heartthrob Chace Crawford is rebounding with the show’s newest cast member, Michelle Trachtenberg. Our spies saw Crawford and Trachtenberg at SoHo hideout Upstairs “flirting heavily” early Saturday. Said the onlooker, “They were all over each other. She was drinking a beer and snuggling up to him.”

She must have blown a guy recently because the only reason Chace Crawford would snuggle up to a woman is if he smelled a fine dose of freshly leaked semen on her breath. It’s like he’s a smoke detector. Only instead of smoke, he hones in on the sweet sweet scents of man love.

It’s kind of ridiculous though that this guy who’s moderately famous, like seriously he’s only done this one show, continues to get his every “dating” move covered. Even his clandestine ones like how he’s totally vigorously fucking JC Chasez. I get we’re hard up for news…believe me, you can see here how hard up for news I am…but come on. COME ON.

Carrie Underwood and Chace Crawford were reported as having broken up last week but apparently it actually happened a while ago…via text.

Country crooner Carrie Underwood’s first hit single was vengeful breakup anthem “Before He Cheats,” but when we caught up with her at “Idol Gives Back,” Ms. Underwood seemed ultra cool about her split with Chace Crawford.

“We broke up over text so… it’s like ‘peace out,’” Carrie told our Terri Seymour. “I don’t know why it’s all out now,” Carrie continued, “when you break up with somebody and then like two months later it comes out, it’s like you’re rehashing old stuff.”

Hmm, the way she phrased that makes it look like she was the one getting dumped via text. Which makes sense. Because Chace was probably taking two cocks at a time and it’s kind of hard to actually call someone while that’s going on. It just kind of comes out as “Mmmphrmmmoooooooo” and that’s not really anything. Communication is key to any relationship.

ADMIT YOU’RE GAY CHACE CRAWFORD. ADMIT IT. Now his publicist-driven relationship with Carrie Underwood is “over”. Over like Santa Claus’ gift-giving rounds insomuchas IT NEVER REALLY EXISTED.

Carrie Underwood and Chace Crawford have split, sources confirm to Usmagazine.com.

The American Idol winner, 25, and the Gossip Girl star, 22, had been dating since last July, but did not go public with their romance until October.

Underwood had spent Thanksgiving at his parents’ home in Dallas and part of her Christmas break with his relatives.

An insider told Us Weekly in December, “His parents are fond of her… they believe ‘Carrie Crawford’ would be a great addition to the family!”

“She’s a classy girl,” Crawford told Us in October.

I honestly don’t know why this bugs the shit out of me so much but it’s just like, dude, you’re so obviously the gayest gay to ever gay his way down Gayville and you’re trying so hard to be straight. And you’re totally stealing female attention away from me, which is totally unfair. It’s like a vegetarian who collects steaks because he’s ashamed of being a vegetarian but never eats them. Or a gay guy who collects vaginas but then vomits every time one comes within a foot of him. Yeah, the last one is better.

When I’m not dating another man, I like to do things like JC Chasez. Be photographed publicly in couple-y shots, or of him going to my cabana, or going on Ryan Seacrest’s show to tell people I’m not a ‘mo.

“For the record, we’re both straight,” Chasez declared. “We’re not dating.”

Chasez — who called Crawford a “super nice guy” — said he understands why people may think they’re an item.

“The only time people usually see us together is in some type of photograph, so they just assume that it’s like that,” he said.

“If I’m dating a girl and I’m standing next to another girl, I’m having an affair,” Chasez went on.

“So now, since there hasn’t been any of that smoke out there, if I’m hanging out with a guy, they’re going to make up a rumor.

“It’s just stupid.”

He also added, “Sure his cum tastes like sweet gum drops, but just because I like to hang out with a guy, get photographed with him, then have loads of his semen dripped into my mouth, that doesn’t mean you guys get to continue your rumor-mongering.”

It just seems like a really poor denial. You’re a couple of handsome twink-looking gentlemen who enjoy each other’s company. Just release a sex tape and see what happens. That’s really a panacea for any solution. Sleep with the person you’re linked with, film it, sell it. Stage 3: Profit. Simple! If you think the gays wouldn’t line up around the block to watch Chace Crawford get pounded, you’re mistaken. Never has someone with rosey cheeks being stripped down been so anticipated since I first encountered a Raggedy Ann doll.