Dec.12.2008 I can barely remember what Audrina’s boobs look like
From some bullshit party for some bullshit magazine.
See to me, this is the worst part about doing a blog that dabbles in hot chicks. From like fall through winter, they’re all dressed like, normally. And when you’re Audrina Patridge and all you have going for you is a set of luscious breasts and you’re practically dressed like Hillary Clinton, I have no use for you. I’m perfectly fine with women being famous for nothing other than breasts and a willingness to flaunt them for cameras. They could be completely retarded…and I mean drooling, fat tongue retarded…but if they’re showing off the goods and they look sexy doing so, it’s all good. But if they’re not actually flaunting them for cameras, they’re basically violating that social contract we had in place. And if I have to go up to another pseudoceleb and drunkenly yell at her, “WE HAD A DEAL”…well, I’ll probably get in some sort of additional legal trouble. Sigh. It’s not easy standing up for the common man.
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Dec.11.2008 Jennifer Aniston looks good naked
I’m probably alone in thinking Jennifer Aniston is kind of awesome for an attention whore drama queen, but she does appear quite crazy in the new issue of GQ.
In a barbed remark, the actress joked that she goes on holiday with Jolie and Brad Pitt on weekends.
‘The funny thing is that people don’t realise we all go away to the Hamptons on the weekends,’ she told the magazine.
‘No. But can you imagine? That’d be hysterical,’ and making a reference to the couple’s children, she added: ‘I’ve got Zahara on my hip, and Knox….’
She also spoke about how she is still in touch with Pitt.
‘We don’t not talk,’ she said. ‘When there’s something to congratulate or celebrate, there’s always an exchange. But there’s no charge on it.’
And asked if she talks to Jolie, she retorted: ‘No, Nuh-uh.’
Aniston’s latest rebuttal comes as she faced the final insult this week over her marriage breakdown with Pitt after he reiterated Jolie’s recent confession that they fell in love while filming Mr and Mrs Smith in 2004 - seven months before he split with Aniston.
Aniston and Pitt broke up officially in January of 2005, meaning it’s been about four years worth of Aniston obsessing over the situation. And even though she’s showing no physical ill effects, mentally she still seems to be completely hurt. And honestly, can you blame her? She hasn’t done anything good since Friends and Angelina Jolie is like the most famous woman alive. Not to mention the fact that Brad Pitt is still quite hot, and I say that as an entirely heterosexual man. Going from Brad Pitt to John Mayer or, really, any guy, is like going from eating prime rib to being forced to blow homeless men for Purina cat chow (two great tastes that go great together).
That said, I bet that, after reassuring her about how she’s prettier than Angelina Jolie for hours on end, she’d give some awesome crazy girl sex. So if you could live with having sex with a Brad Pitt mask on, there are certainly worse deals.
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Dec.10.2008 PETA and Khloe Kardashian are slowly earning my respect
I typically don’t like PETA and don’t really give a shit about Keeping Up with the Kardashians star Khloe Kardashian, but somehow these two forces have combined for a campaign I can really get behind.
It must have taken some real genius at PETA to determine that the best way to get people to ever pretend to care about their cause (listen, I love animals, but I’ll be damned if I stop eating delicious cows because I like scratching kitty cats behind their ears) is to get semifamous women to strip down and say fur sucks. Nobody had ever tried such a daring, outside-the-box idea before PETA.
I’m not kidding when I say that Khloe’s surprisingly flawless body could get me behind any number of causes. Honestly, Chairman Mao could have had Khloe’s ass on some memo saying I needed to start making metal on my farm instead of rice and food and I’d be like, “Fuck yeah dude, glory be to you, Chairman!” But you can’t eat metal. And no ass, no matter how fine, can change that. Tricky man, that Mao.
Dec.08.2008 Morgan Freeman has a fuckload of money
When I think of guys who might make a $100 million divorce payout, Morgan Freeman isn’t the first guy who comes to mind. But apparently, he should be.
Sounds like Morgan Freeman’s divorce from his wife, Myrna Colley-Lee, will be both nasty and expensive for the Oscar winner.
Though there’s no comment from either party in this breakup, Freeman’s wife of 24 years stands to rake in more than $100 million in a potential settlement.
Original estimates put the actor’s net worth in the $75 million to $90 million range, but now it is being reported he may be worth as much as three to four times that amount.
Among assets contributing to the actor’s bounty are a very valuable gold coin collection, a rare stamp collection, a $7 million home in the Virgin Islands, real estate in Freeman’s native Mississippi worth nearly $30 million (including a $5 million personal home), a $10 million New York apartment and a $15 million Los Angeles estate.
”Morgan has always remembered what it was like to be a poor, struggling actor, and as a result he has always been very careful with his money. Morgan isn’t cheap, but he has always been pretty frugal,” a longtime associate told me Tuesday.
I’ve always thought Morgan Freeman was a fairly overrated actor. How many stately older black men are there on Earth that he can seemingly play the same one in every fucking movie he’s ever done? And now, to make matters worse, he’s apparently been paid in the form of millions of gold bars and garbage bags of cocaine. What the fuck, how is that fair? Every time I act like an old-timey black guy, I get nothing other than a session with a racial sensitivity counselor and disgusted looks from my coworker Jacquitonda.
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Dec.08.2008 Emma Watson is willing to appear naked
Harry Potter starlet Emma Watson said she’d be willing to go naked for a movie. And that’s very exciting news because the Internet loves girls who look like men, apparently.
She only turned 18 eight months ago, but Harry Potter star Emma Watson is already considering stripping off on screen.
In what many might see as further evidence of the pressure on women in the industry, the young actress admits she is prepared to go nude - if the role demands it.
But when asked by a Sunday magazine if she would ever film naked, she admitted: ‘Yes. For Bernardo Bertolucci. It … depends.
‘I’m not getting my kit off any time soon, but it is part of my job.”
I don’t get it. The only time Hermione was ever hot was when Lindsay Lohan played her on that SNL skit. Emma Watson is so not feminine (at least physically) that she might as well be Dumbledore’s interest in some stupid sequel where a wizard wants to kill Harry and fuck his face. Seriously, if I wanted to see someone with the build of a waifish boy parading around in the nude, I’d just book myself a first class trip to Thailand. At least then I’d be able to get some sticky rice.
Am I alone in finding the crushes people (and cartoon mice, according to the pics below) have on this girl to be utterly absurd? Someone affirm my beliefs, please!
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Dec.05.2008 Kristen Bell is relatively attractive
From the opening of some boutique in Beverly Hills.
It’s a rare treat to not have something overtly negative to say about some celebrity girl. She looks good here. She doesn’t really do any absurd things for the attention of gossip rags. She’s the voice of Gossip Girl. Kristen Bell’s pretty awesome all around.
HOWEVER I will say that many women should learn a lot from Kristen Bell. I mean, is it so much to ask that every woman be petite with perky breasts and a tight ass in addition to being rich and famous, but not too famous, and pretty and adorable in a Tinkerbellish way? I think not. You know, actually, maybe that is too much to ask. I guess we could just kill off all non-Kristen Bell women and just replace you all with various cloned versions of her with slight genetic differences. Like black Kristen Bell, athletic Kristen Bell, Latina Kristen Bell (pronounced “Kristeñ Be-y”). Yeah maybe we should stop cloning sheep and wombats and whatever the fuck and get to work on this Kristen Bell-based utopia!
Dec.04.2008 Heidi Montag is in Mexico again
Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are back in Mexico where they got fake married and I’m posting it because she’s in a bikini and I <3 Heidi Montag's big fake breasts.
I will never understand the hatred people have for Heidi Montag. Yeah she’s a publicity whore and she’s not very talented and she hasn’t really done anything to deserve the modicum of fame she has, but I’d still leave some modi-cum on her huge breasts and dammit that has to count for something in this crazy work-a-day world.
It’s also pretty awesome how she’s done so much with so little. Covers of magazines, countless articles about her, fashion lines and CDs (forget that these failed…hard), it’s all really impressive. It just goes to prove my theory that if you’re a woman willing to get implants and make an ass of yourself publicly, there’s no reason you shouldn’t be famous. In fact, most women should probably just quit their office jobs and dreams of making a difference in the world and just learn to shake their asses for paparazzi and blow the editors of celebrity weekly magazines (or handsome bloggers with a penchant for posting news items solely because they have a girl in a bikini). All this rah rah feminism stuff is pretty tiring, isn’t it ladies? Food for thought (that you can’t eat lest you no longer be physically attractive and thus culturally irrelevant again).
