Jun.19.2009 Quote of the Day
It brings me joy to see that Kate Gosselin from Jon and Kate Plus 8 has her fame dwindling intensely right now since she’s pretty much universally accepted as a horrible person now. So the show, and Kate specifically, is making one last grasp for attention by airing a special “announcement” in the show’s usual timeslot next week.
The reality show’s regularly scheduled episode will be pre-empted by a one-hour “special” Monday night, according to a TLC promotional spot released Thursday.
“Recently, we’ve made some life-changing decisions, decisions that will affect every member of our family, ones that we hope will bring each of us some peace,” Kate Gosselin says in the video promo.
As she speaks, these words cross the screen:
“A family in turmoil … A relationship at a crossroads … Where do they go from here?”
[via]
Find the Jonas Brothers Tour Dates and Madonna Tour Dates at Vividseats.com! We sell Concert Tickets like Avril Lavigne Concert Tickets and Theater Tickets to the hottest shows, such as The Lion King and Wicked.
Jun.08.2009 Bret Michaels is a bit clumsy
At last night’s 2009 Tony Awards, Bret Michaels was performing for some reason (about as logical as Julie Andrews performing at the aging rock stars with hair plugs convention). And he knocked himself out with a set piece. It’s even more fun than it sounds.
The best part is the whimsy with which he skips into smashing his face into the set. There’s a real Broadway quality to it, insomuch as he looked like a complete fairy while doing it. If nothing else, this is a stellar audition for him being Tinkerbell in the Broadway production of Peter Pan. Assuming Tinkerbell will be a drugged-looking balding older man with eyeliner. Which is probably how she’d look like in real life anyways. I mean have you seen midgets in real life? It’s not like they’re exactly setting the world on fire with their beauty. Unless you’ve got a thing for fingers that look like kielbasas in which case, well, your prostate is in for a treat.
Jun.03.2009 Oh Webster, you so nasty
This is great because it has all the charm of kiddie porn but none of the FBI problems! Check out former Webster star Emanuel Lewis getting handsy with some slut whom I don’t recognize. While nothing funny specifically is going on, the situation definitely made me chuckle.
I have nothing against Emanuel Lewis in spite of my rap album entitled “Webster’s Gonna Catch A Fat Beatin’.” I say more power to him if he’s actually pulling quality tail as a grown man who looks like a chubby 6th grader. But if you’re this girl, what the fuck? If I were a hot chick, an idea I often toy with, do you know how charming you’d have to be to overcome being 4 feet tall with the sex appeal of a kid who pissed his pants on Santa’s lap? You’d have to be pulling rabbits out of hats and making me laugh and cry and possibly understand the Israel/Palestine conflict through song. And even then I wouldn’t fuck you. Could you imagine the shame you’d feel if you fucked Webster? It’s not even like he’s been famous in the past 20 years. I’d probably need to take a rape shower if I recognized him in public, let alone if he stuck his probably-disturbingly-large-because-God-loves-ironic-cock-size penis into me. I think a vat of sulfuric acid wouldn’t be a far cry.
[thanks Jason for the tip!]
May.13.2009 Kate from Jon and Kate Plus 8 knows what’s up
I’ve been loosely following the Jon and Kate Plus 8 “controversy” where they’re both cheating on each other or whatever. As a male, I’m not particularly familiar with the show, so I figured it was my duty to do more research and see if there’s something mockable. But man, I really respect Kate now after seeing this video.
She’s deploying her children as though they were slaves! But then acting like she just did it for an adorable TV bit. That’s SO CLEVER. In my apartment, I’m forced to lug around objects and pour my own beverages but meanwhile this woman who has no job just makes her little kids wait on her. Sure, right now it’s lugging gallons of juice, but soon it’ll be adorable trips to rake the leaves or cute adventures in soldering together a table. Oh and the very special vacation episode in which Kate goes to the Bahamas while the kids build and varnish a patio. Then again, based upon half the ethnicity of the children, White Devil Kate may just want a railroad built. It’s genius, I tell you. Genius!
Regarding the adultery though, who cares? Kate needs an, ahem, larger gentleman to fill her stretched out love cave. And Jon needs to get some side trim after Kate’s cooch has been ravaged like that tauntaun that Luke Skywalker slept inside in Star Wars. So hey, let them both roam.
Apr.20.2009 Porn company wants Susan Boyle
In the worst news I’ve ever heard in my life, a porn company is offering $1 million to Britain’s Got Talent star Susan Boyle to make a video in which she loses her virginity.
Perhaps the most horrific image I’ve ever posted here, via
According to a press release from porn company KickAss Pictures, the company is offering $1 mil for the rights to the 47 year-old budding star’s hymen. Quotes from KickAss president Mark Kukilis:
“The logical extension of that statement is that she’s still a virgin. We have always wanted to produce a movie in which a bona fide virgin loses her maidenhood on camera. That’s a very personal, intimate moment in a woman’s life. Doing it in front of bright lights and cameras in a San Fernando Valley studio will make it that much more special.”
“We want real sexual chemistry. Since we have no way of knowing what Susan’s ‘type’ is, we’ll introduce her to a variety of gentlemen of different races, ages and um, ‘endowments.’ Personally, I think she and Ron Jeremy would be a perfect match.”
Yes, because they both look like beached orcas with Chia mustaches (though Susan’s seems to be falling upwards to the brow area). I get that this is the new thing porn companies want to do, but what’s keeping this woman from doing it? It’s not like she has anything else and, while her singing is lovely, she’s really just mediocre by professional singer standards. She also seems somewhat developmentally challenged (though that might just be a result of being Scottish). So you combine all these factors and the fact that, really, what man is going to find a 47 year-old who looks like this, recording deal or not, to be a catch? All of this results in the simple logic that, hey, why not take that deepdicking?
In related news, I’d rather have my head cut off and be forced to watch myself get raped by the al Qaeda basketball team (they’re a powerhouse within the terrorist intramural circuit) than sit down and watch this potential porn. I’d be more likely to get off by accidentally sitting on an upright wiffleball bat.
Apr.08.2009 SHAM-ow.
I didn’t really cover the ShamWow dude (Vince Shlomi if you’re really big on getting to a personal level with guys selling you shit at 2AM) and his hooker escapades. But now that photos are coming out of the aftermath of the attack, well, it seems worth revisiting.
Wow. That is a messy fucking scenario. I’ll tell you what though, nothing cleans up a hodgepodge of your blood and the tainted blood of a surly hooker better than the SHAMWOW. Perhaps this is all a really elaborate viral marketing ploy so you’ll think, “Oh shit, the hooker is dead. My wife can’t know and, since it’s typically a woman’s job to do the cleaning, how can I possibly clean this blood up before she finds out???” Then you’ll remember the teachings of the prophet Shlomi, snap your fingers and then nod and smile “ShamWow!”
Marketing types: You give me the product and a hooker to kill, and I’ll get you some sales!
[pic of the hooker's aftermath above, more on the story and pics here]
Feb.10.2009 Raven Symone just wants privacy
Via BestWeekEver comes this photo of Raven Symone wearing a t-shirt that simply has to be ironic.
I love when “celebrities” no one gives a shit about claim they just want their privacy. You know how Raven Symone could get paparazzi to leave her alone? By being Raven Symone. Which is pretty much the same way she gets elliptical machines, gyms, and proper diet to leave her alone. I mean seriously you’re like in your early 20s and you’re still acting fairly regularly, can’t you do a fucking sit-up so you look slightly less like an elephant seal?
Then again, I guess that explains why she wants paparazzi to stop photographing her. She’s in dozens of photos just because she can’t be avoided, like a flash or the horizon. You could probably take a Myspace photo of yourself in a mirror and part of her bacon-scented flab would find itself sauntering up behind you like when you shove Playdoh through a plastic shape.
