Sep.23.2008 Dita Von Teese must have giant boobs
Like literally, not just the large breasts she has strapped to her chest like luscious timebombs. Apparently she’s posing with Megazord’s mother (Mamazord?)’s bra to launch her new line of undergarments.
But today dressed in a peach evening gown and heels, the world-renowned queen of burlesque launched her new line of vintage-inspired pieces from the cups of a huge sequinned bra in Covent Garden.
Wonderbra by Dita Von Teese is a combination of 1950s shapes and 1940s fabrics and is her first line of designed garments.
Von Teese used her fascination with vintage underwear, taking inspiration from her own collection, to help her designs.
The pieces include a mixture of suspenders, thongs and bras, which Von Teese says are so comfortable that she wears them regularly.
Suspenders? I get that Dita’s all like “OOH I’M SO BURLESQUE, VOGUE!” and such but what the fuck woman in her right mind is wearing suspenders. If I’m seeing some girl and she’s wearing suspenders, I’m assuming she’s either a 1980s prop comic or a ventriloquist dummy. And I’ll be damned if I fall in love with another ventriloquist dummy. He had such sweet words coming out of his mouth, but I knew they weren’t from his heart.
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Sep.19.2008 I’ve got a thing for Aubrey O’Day
I don’t know why exactly since she’s kind of a generic blond hobag, but I kind of have a thing for Aubrey O’Day.
Maybe it’s her love for making sex tapes, pornography, or period sex. Or maybe it’s because she’s so generically attractive that it makes her attractive. Or maybe it’s because I lust after girls who can serve as life preservers. Or maybe I secretly wanted to be on Diddy’s Making the Band and envy the fact that she was in Diddy’s whore troupe Danity Kane. Or maybe it’s because I just get the sense that I could park a freighter in her cooch and shoot my film-in-development Under Siege 4: Endgame inside of there on an affordable budget (the plot: Steven Segal found a nuclear ray gun inside of a freighter and only with the help of Joey Lauren Adams can he escape alive with the aid of slow-motion, unathletic kicks and, perhaps, love).
Regardless of the reason, Aubrey O’Day, you’re my American Hero of the..uh… Day. No, no; of the O’Day! Ha! Clever!
Sep.18.2008 Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt go visit sick kids
From the Children’s Hospital of Orange County…
So when you’re a sick teenage boy and you hear that Heidi Montag is coming to visit you in the hospital I bet your first reaction is like “Niiiiiice!” Sure, you’re not going to get to have sex with her or anything but maybe she’ll give you a boob touch, best case scenario. Then she comes and you not only do you not get to touch them, she doesn’t even wear a cleavage baring outfit. AND she talks and talks and talks to you. AND you have to listen to Spencer Pratt ramble (prattle?) on about how things will be cool and you’re just like, “Who’s this douchebag and why is he talking to me? I wanted tittays.” And then you realize that you must have done something in a previous life to make God hate you.
Tough break, Reincarnated Hitler.
Sep.12.2008 Sophie Monk can ride a bike, cannot find supportive bikini top
Wow this is a real stunning news development and not at all a cheap reason to post pictures of Sophie Monk in a bikini, but look, a bike! She can ride a bike!
It must be pretty awesome to be a moderately famous hot girl. You can just do absurd things in a bikini and paparazzi will take your photo and you’ll be even more famous despite not doing anything of note. Now, I can’t ride a bike, so if I were theoretically a hot chick, I probably couldn’t just ride a bike in bikini photos for attention (I’d assume my lack of bike-riding skills would transfer over in spite of my change of gender roles). I’d probably juggle out on the streets in my bikini. Or maybe shoot Koosh balls at passersby and giggle. Sure, it’d probably be a totally cunty thing to do (Keep in mind, I’m a hot chick in this scenario), but you’d be so distracted by my heaving bosoms that you wouldn’t have time to judge. And that’s why Catwoman was such an effective criminal.
Aug.29.2008 A Vida Guerra sighting!
I think it’s adorable when celebrities basically exhaust all of their fame and then you see them again and you’re like, “Wow! I remember him/her! Glad he/she’s doing well!” Even though they’re fundamentally worthless and you already saw their vag and fat ass in Playboy, meaning there’s really no reason to ever think about them again. But still you’re like, “That was good times when you first got famous.” In an unrelated note…Hi, Vida Guerra.
I find Vida Guerra pretty inspirational because, really, she’s the American dream. Where else can a talentless whore from Jersey who ate too many Steak’ums find fame, implants, and the covers of countless magazines all in exchange for having a huge ass that was pretty regularly Photoshopped by the editors at FHM? Not in Bolivia, I’ll tell you that! SUCK IT BOLIVIA. ONCE AGAIN WE OWN YOU.
Aug.18.2008 Lisa Rinna brings pokies, bikini to wash her car
I’m not going to act like I’m an expert on manual car washing, but these “leaked ‘paparazzi’ photos” of Lisa Rinna just perplexed me.
I get washing your car, I get using a hose and leaning around. I even get wearing a bikini while doing it. But seriously, a gold bikini with aroused nips? It’s like you’re not even trying to pretend that your privacy is being invaded. When I want to pretend like I wasn’t expecting someone to be watching, I always go like, “Oh wow! I didn’t expect to see you! This is a violation of my privacy” and such. It really throws people off your track. Because even if they don’t believe what you’re saying, the fact that you’d act disgusted makes them more than willing to pretend that you AAAALWAYS walk around with your bathrobe undone stroking your genitals and offering to give women “free mustache rides.” Let me live my life, PAPARAZZO.
Aug.04.2008 Heidi Montag sees something worth photographing, Audrina provides boobs
Have you had enough of the big-breasted talentless harlots of The Hills? I’m going to ignore your answer and continue on. From some party celebrating the fact that T-Mobile has cell phones.
Look at that! He’s reading! And it’s not even like a magazine or a Bazooka Joe comic, but an actual book! And Heidi is so proud that she’s filming it, thinking “Golly, one day I’d like to be able to seewords and turn them into thoughts.” Awesome. See kids, reading is FUNdamental! And impressive to busty blondes!
The main event though, as always, is Audrina Patridge’s boobs. Say hi to them in the photos below and see more here. My favorite is the third one. It’s like, “OMG we had no idea you photographers were here! Haha we are just hanging out and being friends, not here for your attention at all! Leave us alone, we value our privacy!”
