Jun.30.2009 Ted Danson is smooooooth
Picking up ladies is an art form…you can’t go out there all willy nilly with real emotions or thoughts because they will EAT YOU ALIVE. Fortunately, Ted Danson can help with some sexy pick-up lines to get you sexy ladies.
Pretty stirring stuff. Sure, you can question how effective these lines would be coming out of your mouth, but hey, it got Ted Danson into the much coveted pantaloons of Whoopi Goldberg so they can’t be all bad. Talk about one sexy little tigress. MeOW.
I’ll tip you off to one of my favorite lines. It’s a line of function and form, designed to bring the ladies to their knees. They’re looking at you with a real hunger in their eyes, desperately in need of their fix. So you go, “Hey baby…I got what you need.” So she comes home with you and then she seems like she’s waiting for something. She reaches for your jeans pocket and you tell her, “No no no. You get the antidote after.” That’s when the lovin’ begins.
[via]
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Jun.26.2009 A famous person has died
Via Pictures for Sad Children comes this poignant comic about what happens when the famous die.
I already gave my Michael Jackson thoughts in the last post so I’ll spare any more rhetoric. I will however offer up this GIF animation of his tragic burial:
UPDATE: More image goodness (neither of these are photoshopped)!
Jun.26.2009 Michael Jackson
I think you can probably guess where I fall on this one, but Michael Jackson died yesterday after going into cardiac arrest at the age of 50. A reverent animated tribute to his character, written/animated before his passing obviously, is embedded below.
Honestly, it sucks that he died poor and isolated from the world after being one of the biggest and most influential acts in the world. All joking aside, I don’t know that I ever truly bought that he was some brilliant child molester who was somehow faking being batshit crazy to gain access to more boys’ underpants. This is what can happen when you strip a child of his innocence and force him to perform and lose the experience of actually being a child.
The biggest joke of all though is the media and people who were the first ones to call the guy a freak and a weirdo and mock him being broke acting like they give a shit now. You can’t beat a guy to the point that he’s literally got to pop a bunch of pills to numb the pain enough to exist, then turn around and treat him as though you’ve always held him in the highest esteem after he dies. You can remember Michael Jackson as a polarizing figure and someone who didn’t make the best choices in life, you can love his music and cling to that. But the media and regular people acting like they give a shit now after slinging arrows and not caring for years is the biggest joke of all. Stop marrying yourselves to tragedy and putting these people on a pedestal like you weren’t trying to tear them down for literally almost 20 years.
Here’s a collection of Michael Jackson jokes from late-night hosts. Here’s a link to Michael Jackson’s Thriller music video (which, while somewhat ironic now) is still one of the best videos ever made. That’s an even-handed way to remember someone who’s the closest thing to a Greek tragedy to ever be a part of pop culture.
Also here’s my jokes, via my Twitter:
Why did Michael Jackson go to Wal-Mart?
-He heard they had boys pants half off. And a buy 1 get 1 free sale on tires for dead guys.
As a tribute to Michael Jackson, Chris Brown is going to punch a young boy in the face today instead of a woman.
Jun.25.2009 Katy Perry has odd eating habits
Katy Perry is a long-time favorite here but this photo she posted on Twitter is, well, confusing.
I like pizza. I also love nude Katy Perry. I even like room service in my hotel room. But this photo just kind of freaks me out. It’s kind of hedonistic, but it’s not because the pizza looks terrible and the bathtub looks about as luxurious as getting a sensual massage from a tiger.
If Katy Perry wants to make an object of herself on Twitter, then that’s fine. But what about the poor pizza? It doesn’t know any better, yet here it is naked as the day it was baked on the Internet for the world to see. What if the pizza’s family sees this photo? Katy Perry, you’re just a selfish woman. Whom I’d like to motorboat. It won’t fix your thoughtless ways, but it will help jumpstart the healing process.
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Jun.24.2009 Perez Hilton has many supporters
I’m a day late on this but there’s nothing going on and I like chiming in on things. Here’s a video of Kelly Clarkson commenting on Perez Hilton getting punched in the face by one of Will.I.Am’s people (more celebrity reactions here).
In fairness, you can’t really blame Kelly Clarkson for not endorsing violence against anyone. People are probably always trying to tip her over. That’d probably help breed some resentment towards physical hostility.
I’m not particularly unique in this stance, but it’s such a joke that Perez is acting like such a victim here. I’m not saying that everyone who’s ever made a snide comment online deserves to get punched…what many bloggers, including myself, do is an extension of a personality that borders on a character. I don’t think terrible things should happen to everyone, but that’s where some of the humor is derived from. But when you take this “gimmick” of yours, and make no mistake, the Perez Hilton shit is a gimmick, and extend it to real life so much so that you’re yelling the word “faggot” at someone far more successful than you, you need to get punched in the face. That goes beyond comedy and extends into a world of reality. Just because it’s “show business” doesn’t absolve you from real life accountabilty. Especially when it’s coming from a place that’s not even humor…it’s designed to be “shocking” and “controversial.” It’s a joke that shit like this gets so much attention, but hey, if that’s what gets you off, more power to you, I suppose.
So yeah, in summation, fuck ‘em all. The sissy deserved to get knocked out and Will.I.Am’s manager is kind of a pussy for having to knock out a princess like that in the first place.
Jun.23.2009 Poker will solve all of Africa’s problems
I rarely do good things for people, so it’s a privilege to do something nice for the people of Africa. Some celebrities are getting together as part of the World Series of Poker 2009 festivities, in conjunction with Enough, to raise money for the various crises in Africa and, presumably, avoid making racially insensitive jokes.
On July 2, 2009, Don Cheadle is once again hosting the third annual Ante Up for Africa, No Limit Texas Hold-Em Tournament in association with the World Series of Poker. Proceeds from the event will go to charities that provide aid and assistance to the survivors of the crisis in Darfur, Sudan and support activism dedicated to resolving this crisis. Previous Ante Up tournaments have raised more than $2 million for the cause.
Matt Damon, Jason Alexander, Charles Barkley, Kenny Smith, Montel
Williams, Herschel Walker, Hank Azaria, Brad Garrett, Marlon Wayans, Sarah Silverman and Casey Affleck are all playing this year, with many more celebs expressing their interest to play.
That’s a pretty big turnout of prominent celebrities. I’m always amazed when people who have so much are passionate about helping people who are totally different than themselves. Like that time I slept with a Australian chick. We couldn’t have had less in common — she had seen koalas and kangaroos in person, I didn’t pass out in my hotel room — yet I was generous enough to give her access to my loins and towel her off afterwards before throwing her back in the hallway. Truly a beautiful story of caring for others.
You can get updates on the Ante Up for Africa event at Pokerlistings.com.
Jun.19.2009 Quote of the Day
It brings me joy to see that Kate Gosselin from Jon and Kate Plus 8 has her fame dwindling intensely right now since she’s pretty much universally accepted as a horrible person now. So the show, and Kate specifically, is making one last grasp for attention by airing a special “announcement” in the show’s usual timeslot next week.
The reality show’s regularly scheduled episode will be pre-empted by a one-hour “special” Monday night, according to a TLC promotional spot released Thursday.
“Recently, we’ve made some life-changing decisions, decisions that will affect every member of our family, ones that we hope will bring each of us some peace,” Kate Gosselin says in the video promo.
As she speaks, these words cross the screen:
“A family in turmoil … A relationship at a crossroads … Where do they go from here?”
[via]
