A new ad from something called The Cancer Project (do they want you to get cancer or not? WHAT ARE YOU AFTER, CANCER PROJECT?) caused a stir this week about hot dogs causing cancer, but it’s okay, hot dogs probably won’t kill you.

A new TV commercial shows kids eating hot dogs in a school cafeteria and one little boy’s haunting lament: “I was dumbfounded when the doctor told me I have late-stage colon cancer.”

It’s a startling revelation in an ad that vilifies one of America’s most beloved, if maligned, foods, while stoking fears about a dreaded disease.

But the boy doesn’t have cancer. Neither do two other kids in the ad who claim to be afflicted.

“My concern about this campaign is it’s giving the indication that the occasional hot dog in the school lunch is going to increase cancer risk,” said Colleen Doyle, the American Cancer Society’s nutrition director. “An occasional hot dog isn’t going to increase that risk.”

The hot dog council called the new ad an alarmist scare tactic…

Whoa hold on…there’s a Hot Dog Council! That’s amazing! Here I was, thinking hot dogs had no one to protect them for their portrayal as a villain in misleading media like the ad above or the video game Burgertime (I want to punch all the hot dogs in the face for how they’d attempt to sabotage my burgers), but thank God for the Hot Dog Council, who provides amazing hot dog stats like this:

During Hot Dog Season, Memorial Day to Labor Day, Americans typically consume 7 billion hot dogs or 818 hot dogs consumed every second during that period.

In 2007, consumers spent more than $4.1 billion on hot dogs and sausages in U.S. supermarkets, that equals more than 1.5 billion pounds of hot dogs and sausages bought at retail stores alone.

See? Hot dogs are keeping us from total economic ruin! The Cancer Project wants to take your hot dogs away. They want to stop us from having roads across the country made entirely of hot dogs…talk about progress! Are the folks at The Cancer Project anti-American communists? Probably. Are hot dogs delicious? Absolutely!

Side note: While doing research on hot dogs, I saw this AWESOME dramatic recreation of Burgertime. Burgertime is a f’d up place dude. [Source]

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So if you’re a nine year-old girl, you know what sucks? Having a THIRD type of cancer.

A 9-year-old Portage girl who has had cancer for more than half her life just found out she has a third type of cancer.

Emily Miller was diagnosed with acute lymphocytic leukemia in 2002, overcame it in 2005 and was in remission until April of last year when she was diagnosed with T-cell lymphoma.

She was excited to finish chemotherapy this August.

But after recent routine labs, doctors told the family that Emily has acute myeloid leukemia. It’s a cancer that starts inside bone marrow and develops quickly.

Her father Cory Miller says Emily told him she didn’t want to die. She says she has about 10 fights left in her.

This girl collects cancer like other little girls collect Barbies. Only instead of a well-endowed plastic blond, she gets to lose hair and weight. Hopefully she doesn’t look up to Miley Cyrus; it’d be kind of hard to flash with only one breast.

You know who’s the real victim here? Me. Because it’s hard to write about a little girl with cancer whom I feel bad about without feeling like an utter douchebag. So uh, yeah. Wear a yellow ribbon for my comedy.

Care about Patrick Swayze? No? Well, bad news…he’s still alive and not looking to give in to sweet lady death just yet.

Patrick Swayze has had an “excellent” response to treatment for pancreatic cancer, the actor and his doctor said Tuesday.

“We’re thrilled and grateful for the positive response Patrick has shown towards his treatment,” the Dirty Dancing star and wife Lisa Niemi tell PEOPLE.

“Also, we can’t help but feel that all the prayers, meditations and good thoughts sent his way by everyone has made a difference. Thank you!” said the couple.

When reached for comment about his brother’s health, Don Swayze continued to dig out of a nearby dumpster.

I kind of hate how this is like the cover of People Magazine. Like did you care AT ALL about Patrick Swayze before he was dying? I don’t even care now. He could die and then explode into a mass of gold bars and I’d probably go “Oh whatever who gives a shit, I never even saw Road House.” All his problems are just one more thing for me to read and go “Ugh” at.

No, not because of the dumb way you type in your text messages, but rather because some researcher is saying it may give you cancer. Sweet, delicious cancer.

A study by an award-winning cancer expert shows that cell phone use could kill more people than smoking, it is reported.

According to the U.K.’s Independent newspaper, the study, headed by Dr. Vini Khurana, shows that there is a growing body of evidence that using handsets for 10 years or more can double the risk of brain cancer.

Khurana — one of the world’s top neurosurgeons — based his assessment on the fact that three billion people now use the phones worldwide. That is three times higher than people who smoke. Smoking kills some five million globally each year.

He warned that people should avoid using handsets whenever possible and called on the phone industry to make them safer. France and Germany have already warned against the use of mobile phones, especially by children, it is reported.

Well, it’s not like it’s brain surgery! Ohh…aw.

Whatever though, so cell phones are turning my brain into a fine stew. How else can I look important when walking down the street? Or avoid looking at someone I kind of casually know by holding the phone to my ear and saying things people say on the phone like “BUY! SELL! BEARS ARE ON THE MARKET BUT BULLS ARE FOR THE BEDROOM!”

People have been getting sicknesses from forms of communication for years…it’s just kind of an accepted risk. CB Radio gives you scrotal cancer. Two cans with a bit of string? AIDS. It’s scientific fact.

Anything I give you here will just sully the beauty of this article. So read the snippet below.

A 21-year-old Harris County woman filed a $200,000 lawsuit against American Airlines alleging employees on a flight to Los Angeles from Dallas/Fort Worth Airport failed to protect her while she slept from another passenger who masturbated to her and ejaculated in her hair, according to a lawsuit she filed last week in Tarrant County.

The woman slept most of the flight, but awoke about 20 minutes before landing when the pilot announced the plane was on decent into Los Angeles. When the woman opened her eyes, she saw that an unknown man had moved into the seat next to her and was staring at her as he masturbated, the suit states. The woman turned toward the window in embarrassment and in an act of nervousness began to run her fingers through her hair where she noticed “a substantial amount of an extremely sticky substance in her hair,” the suit states. The woman began to cry and tried to get the attention of a flight attendant, but was unsuccessful, the suit states.

Finally a passenger in the row in front of the woman comforted her and verified the semen in her hair, the suit states. When the plane landed, employee called airport police and the man was arrested. The suit alleges that the during the investigation, American Airlines employees told police they witnessed the man move from his assigned seat into the row where the woman was sleeping. The woman is seeking punitive damages and a jury trial.

I like women. But honestly, I could never BE a woman. Getting yelled at on the street by random dudes, groped in bars, getting roofies in my drink more than I already do now (which is like 6 times a night, easy). But you throw plane jizz on there and it’s like, “What the fuck? My ovaries are a curse! I thought my little brain was my main negative! Oh gosh, let me go make some more cakes.”

On the plus side, my semen cures cancer, so when you get it in your hair, the correct response is “Thank you sir. Might I trouble you for some more?” I carry cups around with me and just splash it on every 300th woman I see. My way of giving back.