Sep.24.2008 Better bikini photos of Jessica Alba’s post-baby body
There were photos of Jessica Alba’s body in a bikini after she released the demon that was feeding on her in her supple womb but they looked so grainy and awful, like I was seeing Bigfoot in shitty surveillance footage. These are much better, from yesterday in Cabo.
Personally, I think she may look even better now than she did before the pregnancy. Her boobs grew, her butt seemed to grow a little bit, and she still looks nice and trim and toned. If you couldn’t play 5-on-5 basketball in her vagina due to the enormous baby that came out of her little frame (see photo #1 below), she might still be incredibly desirable. But unfortunately, you can play 5-on-5 basketball in her cavernous snizz. You have to get one of those hoops where you fill the base up with water though and roll it in. And the ball doesn’t bounce that well. And it gets a little humid sometimes. And the rim we have is a little rusty. And when you jump, in certain spots, you feel like you’re playing Slamball. But you can play basketball. The YMCA may be better for such endeavors, but you definitely ,em>could play it in her cooch too.
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Sep.12.2008 The September 12 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy with Shamu
How to successfully make an ass out of yourself at Sea World
-An awesome collection of innuendo-filled signs
-Brazilian booty dancing (w/ a very important video for very important people)
-Gemma Atkinson’s boobs are indeed in your face
-The definitive 25 sexiest sportscasters
-Peyton Manning is a king of comedy
-This monkey is amazing with kung fu (w/ funny video)
-Heidi Klum is pretty in red lipstick
-Gina Gershon as bikini-wearing, gun-toting Sarah Palin is pretty awesome (w/ video)
-The ASP World Tour has some of the hottest women around in surfing
-Follow-up from my post this morning…So is Jessica Simpson fat or pregnant?
-It’s a Friday Poon Hunt
-Ohio State has a quad full of sexy girls in bikinis
-This is officially a fuckload of Big Macs
Aug.29.2008 A Vida Guerra sighting!
I think it’s adorable when celebrities basically exhaust all of their fame and then you see them again and you’re like, “Wow! I remember him/her! Glad he/she’s doing well!” Even though they’re fundamentally worthless and you already saw their vag and fat ass in Playboy, meaning there’s really no reason to ever think about them again. But still you’re like, “That was good times when you first got famous.” In an unrelated note…Hi, Vida Guerra.
I find Vida Guerra pretty inspirational because, really, she’s the American dream. Where else can a talentless whore from Jersey who ate too many Steak’ums find fame, implants, and the covers of countless magazines all in exchange for having a huge ass that was pretty regularly Photoshopped by the editors at FHM? Not in Bolivia, I’ll tell you that! SUCK IT BOLIVIA. ONCE AGAIN WE OWN YOU.
Jul.01.2008 Lindsay Lohan continues to be hot
Yeah there’s no real news hook here but whatever, everything isn’t interesting today and it’s a holiday week. Check out the latest photos from a Lindsay Lohan photoshoot in Brit mag ZOO.
Maybe this is just me, but I enjoy watching women get ready to go out. Putting on make-up, clothes, checking themselves out in a mirror…I find it very sexy. Which is great because women take so long getting ready, amirite 1980s comedian talking about male/female interaction? Haha so many pairs of shoes! Whatever, nobody’s reading this text anyway. There’s a fine ass in booty shorts above me. So I guess this is a good time for me to come out of the clos…wait, what if the image doesn’t work properly? And what if my parents read this? Man, I should stop thinking in text in blog posts.
Apr.16.2008 David Beckham is a big fan of the NBA
From the Lakers/Kings game last night…
Oh, by NBA, I mean Nice Big Asses. Which conveniently many NBA players happen to be interested in. Because they’re black guys. Show me a black guy that doesn’t like a set of thick thighs attached to a round ass and I will show you a black guy that doesn’t fit into the nice racist stereotyping I like to assign all ethnic minorities to. Then I’ll kick you in the groin for fucking up my whole world view. Prick.
[Way to go Daily Mail]
Apr.15.2008 Paris Hilton is sorry she said Kim Kardashian’s ass is vile
Paris Hilton said Kim Kardashian’s ass is gross then apologized. This is very important news.
Paris Hilton has apologized to Kim Kardashian after insulting her former best friend’s most famous asset. “I would not want [Kim's butt] - it’s gross!” Paris told a Las Vegas radio show on April 14. “It reminds me of cottage cheese inside a big trash bag.”
However, after a portion of the Kim-bashing interview was posted on perezhilton.com, a devastated Paris realized she went too far.
“I was just joking around and I made a stupid joke,” Paris tells In Touch exclusively. “I felt really bad afterward, so I contacted Kim and apologized. It was a silly thing to say. Kim’s hot!”
Kim accepts the apology, telling In Touch, “Paris and I have been friends since we were kids and I’m glad she made the effort to say she’s sorry.”
Well, it’s completely true that Kim’s ass is ridiculous. Some would say couchlike. And by some, I mean me. It’s just kind of huge and unwieldy. I imagine that turning around quickly would often comically knock over everything behind you. After a lifetime of that, I imagine it becomes less comically befuddled and more obnoxious. Like stop breaking my lamps all the time with your Mario Mushroom Kingdom ass.
Then again, Paris Hilton probably couldn’t talk since her cooch is so big you can literally wear her as a Girl Hat. Ooh…that sounds like a viable product! It’d be totally warm AND snug! PATENT PENDING.
Mar.13.2008 Kim Kardashian looking to form a Big Assed Coalition of the Willing
Kim Kardashian is doing the rounds to promote a new season of her stupid show with it’s damned alliteration, and Best Celeb Gossip has some interesting snippets from her media tour.
She showed up at TRL yesterday to promote the show and to make sure the world knew she was giving out a little J-Lo love. Yes, Kimmy is a big fan of J-Lo which only makes sense. Nothing unusual with the D-listers kissing some A-lister ass when their reality show starts a new season.
Kim had a chat with TV Guide as well about the new season, and made a point of mentioning that it ‘wasn’t scripted’ that things ‘just happen’. Well, you’d hope so, since it’s a REALITY show.
She also told TV Guide that she did Playboy recently because she wanted to promote a healthy body image to young women today, that you don’t have to be a stick figure.
Well that’s pretty nice about the body image thing. You see girls, you too can look good in your nude photoshoots too if you hide your stupid body behind a bunch of pillows and shit like you’ve built a fort. Gosh Kim Kardashian, you’re so helpful.
I don’t know how I feel about these big asses potentially teaming up though like some sort of Justice League that can’t comfortably fit into the back of a cab. I don’t know what good that’d do for the world, other than making things more convenient for black guys. It’s not like they’re going to be solving anything more than how to get Cristal poured on their asses. Or how to look like you’re a five year-old sitting on a stack of books as a grown woman.
