Dec.02.2008 Fuck this kid and his dating book

Having problems picking up women? Well fortunately, some little fucking kid is getting attention for some retarded fucking book he wrote about how to pick up women. Ugh.

He’s only 9, but this pint-sized pickup artist already knows plenty about pleasing the ladies.

So much, in fact, that Alec Greven’s dating primer, “How to Talk to Girls” - which began as a handwritten, $3 pamphlet sold at his school book fair - hit the shelves nationwide last week.

“It is easy to spot pretty girls because they have big earrings, fancy dresses and all the jewelry,” he writes in Chapter Three.

“Pretty girls are like cars that need a lot of oil.”

He advises, “The best choice for most boys is a regular girl. Remember, some pretty girls are coldhearted when it comes to boys. Don’t let them get to you.”

But with classic plain-spoken advice - like “comb your hair and don’t wear sweats” - it’s no surprise his 46-page book was a hit with boys and girls of all ages.

He believes the best way to approach a girl is to keep it to a simple “hi.”

“If I say hi and you say hi back, we’re probably off to a good start,” he said.

In his book, published by HarperCollins, he suggests holding off on falling in love until at least middle school.

Dating - which he defines as going out to dinner without your parents - is for “kind of old” people, who are 15 or 16.

I get that it’s fucking adorable that a 9 year-old boy is giving an “outsider’s perspective” on dating through the naive eyes of a child, but holy fucking shit is this the dumbest thing I’ve ever read. You know what this is? The kind of shit that women read about and go, “Oh how adorable!” and then they tell their stupid friends and then maybe some female editor reads the book and goes “Oh that is so adorable, we can totally publish this and promote it!” Then this little fucker gets on Ellen DeGeneres’s TV show and whatever other “legitimate media” outlets because he’s nine years old and instead of killing squirrels or rolling around in dirt or whatever the fuck kids do, he wrote a 40 page book which probably has pictures of stick figures and poorly constructed sentences. If it were up to this kid, I’d be dating ugly women who are poorly colored in crayon with tails and shit.

You want to know how to pick up women? Treat them slightly shittily but with a smile on your face so they know it’s a joke. Also be handsome. Ta da. There’s the secret. Seriously the only time you should take advice from a 9 year-old boy is when he’s telling you that he won’t get in your van for anything less than a Snickers and even then, that’s not really advice, that’s just sound negotiation tactics.

Seriously can someone offer me a freaking book deal already before I end up punching a 9 year-old? Or every 9 year-old as some sort of comeuppance for this atrocity? I’m pretty flexible with how I extract my revenge.

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Oct.21.2008 Introducing Cunt: The Coloring Book

You know what there isn’t enough of? Vagina based coloring books. Ta da! Problem solved!

Thank you for such a wonderful thing!
By Dana Alison “Amazon Junkie” (Hoboken, NJ United States)

This book is so wonderful.

Nevermind the fact that i’ve been having a blast breaking out the crayons and coloring the beautifully drawn vaginas…
But this book helps to de-mystify and remind women (or men) of the beauty of the female parts.

This book contains about 25 drawings of flower-like genitalia. Each drawing is beutiful and unique - just in the same way that every woman is beautiful in a different way.

This book presents women’s sexuality is such a matter-of-fact and positive manner. I wish all women could see this book as a child, again as a teen, and again as an adult - to remember to always be proud and never be ashamed.

I don’t know how willingly I’d give this book up to my kids, but I admire Dana Allison’s outside-the-box thinking. Why teach our kids anything when we can have a graphically named coloring book that will no doubt scar your children into a life of repression or complete excess do it for you?

On the plus side, it’s not a scratch and sniff, so it’s got that going for it.

Jul.10.2008 Random YouTube Fetish Thursday: Reading

Girls will do anything for your YouTube views and, let’s be honest, guys will watch anything with a hot chick. This week: Reading.

It’s important to be nice and loose and limber before reading. What with all the vital leg movements you must do.

The commenter on this video who says “Intelligence fetish” is so right. She has HUUUUGE brains. Nice and full, round. Man, I’d love to just smush her brains together and ride them hard. It’d be just like the time I helped clean up Dealey Plaza.

Oh girl, don’t you know that with your pleated skirt, it will pop up and expose your derrière! My oh my, women…no foresight.

This video just kind of creeps me out. Yes the girl is well-endowed, but it looks like it was shot in the home of a recently deceased grandmother. And I’ll be damned if I get aroused by a recently deceased grandmother again, that’s for sure.

Maybe they should change the “Reading is fundamental” campaign to “Reeeading iiiiiis fuuuuundajerkofftothenwistfullycleanyourselfupwhenyou
realizeyoujustjerkedofftoclothedwomenreadingbooks.” Might be a bit wordy.