First a monkey kills my parents and now this: Monkeys are online. And they’re after your social media networks.

A 20-year-old male chimpanzee named Albert was the first ape to join Facebook, the largest online social network. Soon after Albert joined, three other chimps named Mr. Jones, Sheena, and Britney followed. Facebook must be great: over 40 million humans and four chimps can’t all be wrong!

Scientists from The University of Northern Oregon have spent the last two years training Albert and his comrades, who all belong to the Pan troglodytes species, to acquire language skills necessary for their online social life.

With the help of specially designed software that recognises sign language (ASL), and a “chimp proof” adapted touch-screen, these leading scientists recently announced that the four apes can communicate using more than 1000 symbols, adapted to the most popular features of the online social network.

They can chat online with their best friends from around the world, write text messages, and even upload their favourite profile pictures. Albert gang has become very popular among Facebook’s users.

Yeah I bet they’re all about this furry lil gentleman. Well, if it were Myspace, I’d say they think he’s an adorable 10 year-old Middle Eastern boy prime for the diddling, but Facebook is too classy for my child-molestation jokes. Needless to say, the monkey has yet to accept my friend request. Or perhaps he defriended me. Damn fickle monkeys.

This is all well and good though that monkeys are on my social media network of choice, but they better not get too fucking ambitious. If I see some monkey stealing pictures from other sites and writing mean-spirited snark (and borderline racist material), I swear to God I will kidnap Chiquita Banana and hold her hostage. No monkey will outshine me! NO MONKEY.

According to Buzzfeed…

A site devoted to thousands of photos of a Florida woman’s pet squirrel, in costume. Kelly Foxton took in the baby squirrel in 2003, and after a year of gaining its trust, began training the squirrel to pose in patriotic photos. The resulting web site is…fascinating.

Honestly, I was going to try to offer commentary on all of these, but sometimes I think I need to just let the pictures here work on their own. I’m speechless.

Honestly, I could probably post every photo on the site because it’s fucking AMAZING. Visit the site yourself and just click around. Best time you’ll have all day. Nothing can liberate you from the stress of work quite like a cross-dressing squirrel simultaneously saluting and disgracing various bits of Americana.

As a whole I think fish are pretty gay and worthless. Who swims in their own feces and urine other than hobo mermaids living in the East River? But this fish, Comet, is the most amazing fish I’ve ever seen.

I don’t know that buying that training kit would make any fish able to do this stuff, but wow. It looked like the video was sped up a bit, though I guess that could also be the tremendous amount of fish doping that goes on in the underground competitive world of Fish Basketball/Soccer/Swimming Through Pipe Shit. The stakes are high, losers find their dreams and lifeless bodies flushed down the drain, tragic really. I’m pretty sure Nemo got his fin cracked by an Italian fish wielding an adorable little baseball bat in a similar situation in the deleted scenes of Finding Nemo. Probably by a little Italian fish with a mustache voiced by Chazz Palminteri.