Nov.19.2008 Bears are taking over the world
America is falling apart right now with a shitty economy, civil unrest, and new episodes of Two and a Half Men. So what could be the final sign of our personal apocalypse? Bears are getting much smarter.
I can’t say I didn’t see this coming. Ever since I read my first Berenstain Bears book I was like, “Oh fuck, they’ve gained autonomy.” Who knows what else they’re planning? I’m guessing raping and pillaging can’t be too far away. And trust me when I say that bears are not gentle lovers. My trip across Europe with Paddington taught me a lot. Including that there was nothing but pain hidden beneath his little blue jacket.
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Nov.11.2008 Cat seduces dog, fails
By now you know my one snarky weakness is adorable animals…they’re just so cute! Fortunately, this one combines a viciousness with the adorable cats, so it’s something every reader here can enjoy.
I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve pulled a similar move on a foxy lady. Though, fortunately for me, they’ve never snapped back like that. You’d be surprised what a couple wine coolers and and a rag with just a dab of ether will do for your game. I don’t know why Mystery doesn’t teach that on The Pickup Artist.
Oct.22.2008 Pandas are fucking criminals
Check out this footage from China, where a Panda basically just rapes some little Chinese guy, ripping his jacket off of his body violently.
Well, it’s pretty clear why he stole that man’s jacket. I find it to be a strange coincidence that even in a country primarily inhabited by people with light skin tones, one of the most obvious and horrific crimes was committed by someone who’s part Black.
*racist rimshot
Oct.20.2008 Tigers seem like fun
Have you ever seen a tiger and thought, “Man, I’d like to own that tiger and make him swim with me!” Well, you can’t, but apparently someone else has.
Note: Thanks to the lovely folks at Barcroft Media, we had to take these images down. Tigger’s cooler anyways so fuck it.
It’s fun in the water for these amazing animals who love to swim at their owner’s outdoor pool.
Measuring over two metres in length and weighing 200lb, these one-year-old tigers are having the time of their lives.
Reaching for their human playmates with their giant paws, they dive, splash and even swim - in the same pool.
Together with their handlers, Moksha Bybee and Ragani Ferrante, tigers Balavan, Bali, and Oden display unusually close interaction between man and beast.
Animal expert Dr Bhagavan Antle has taught these amazing creatures to swim as part of an enrichment programme at his animal park in Miami.
‘Tigers have a natural desire and ability to swim, exceeding that of all the other big cats,’ said Dr Antle.
You must be pretty brave to go to a tiger, “Hey, I’m going to make you think I’m drowning you, but it’s all in good fun.” You might as well be a hot chick going into a frat party with a t-shirt that says “I Can’t Taste Roofies”. Sure, it might turn out okay, but the odds are you’re going to end up unconscious, disheveled, and bleeding profusely from some hole in your body.
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Oct.15.2008 Drunk horse falls in UK family’s pool
Hey apparently it’s Pony Day here, so take a gander at this story of life, love, and drunk horses.
Sarah Penhaligon, 28, owner of the bungalow in Newquay, Cornwall, was woken at night by a “huge” splash and found the Moorland Pony in the shallow end.
She said: “I looked outside, saw this massive animal in the dark, and thought the Beast of Bodmin was in the pool. I was terrified, but when I took a closer look I realised it was a horse.
“I didn’t have a clue what to do next - who do you call when there’s a horse stuck in your swimming pool?
“I dialled 999 and they asked which service I wanted and I said I didn’t know, I just had a horse in my pool and needed help.”
Fire crews spent two hours building a set of hay steps in the pool, and hoisted the animal out of the water at 5am with the help of several harnesses.
The pony had escaped from the nearby Trenance riding stables. A spokesman said horses were known to get ‘punch drunk’ from eating too many apples.
She said: “It looks like he was scrounging for apples in the garden and fell in when he trod on the tarpaulin over the pool.
Sounds like a bit of horseplay. He’s lucky he didn’t end up Mr. DEAD. It sounds like a real horse gag (Google that one if you don’t get the joke…just don’t click the links if you want to keep your sanity). Oh horses, you’re so ripe for puns.
So does this apple thing work for humans too? Because if so, I’m going to be up to my ears in delicious Granny Smith. Much like Grandpa Smith. He loves the ‘lingus.
Oct.15.2008 This may be animal torture
This is from the celebration of China’s 59 years of communism at the end of last month (what can I say, they deliver delicious egg rolls much faster than they do photography).
Yes. That’s a lion. Riding a horse. This is so counterintuitive to everything the animal kingdom is about. And also less adorable than one might think. A lion cub, sure, but a fully grown lion? It’s about as awkward as walking in on your father masturbating. To a photo of a lion riding a horse. While dressed like a baby. In blackface.
Sep.29.2008 The most adorable prison break ever
So what if America is in total economic ruin? Look at the bright side: The Internet is churning out adorable videos and pictures with greater regularity than ever before!
Doggies breaking out of jail is so cute! Until you learn why they were breaking out. That answer: Unflinching amounts of doggie prison rape. Though I guess it was slightly adorable. The rottweiler dressed up like one of the Sisters from The Shawshank Redemption was pretty cute. But still.
