Nov.19.2008 Bears are taking over the world
America is falling apart right now with a shitty economy, civil unrest, and new episodes of Two and a Half Men. So what could be the final sign of our personal apocalypse? Bears are getting much smarter.
I can’t say I didn’t see this coming. Ever since I read my first Berenstain Bears book I was like, “Oh fuck, they’ve gained autonomy.” Who knows what else they’re planning? I’m guessing raping and pillaging can’t be too far away. And trust me when I say that bears are not gentle lovers. My trip across Europe with Paddington taught me a lot. Including that there was nothing but pain hidden beneath his little blue jacket.
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Nov.18.2008 Now that is how you impale a pigeon!
It takes a special kind of luck to be able to jokingly juggle a couple of skewers and then spear a pigeon as it flies by. It’s either magic…or destiny.
There are very few times where I’d believe that I needed to eat a pigeon. But if I’m there just trying to get my barbecue on and a pigeon magically appears on my skewer, I might eat it. Raw. Bite its head off, steal its essence. I’m assuming it would really ramp around my ability to shit on people’s heads.
Nov.17.2008 Lindsay Lohan gets powdered by PETA protesters
Lindsay Lohan likes fur. PETA people don’t like people wearing fur. Lindsay Lohan wears fur. PETA people have a fucking bucket full of white powder. Then the magic happens (skip to 0:45).
It’s kind of funny to see someone doused by powder because other people being embarrassed is always entertaining (like that time I dumped the pigs’ blood on that weird cunt Carrie and then left town…not that she’d have ever gotten me back for it! hi5!), but I really can’t sanction these actions.
Any time a woman with marvelous breasts like Lindsay Lohan is attached or insulted by an inferior creature such as that pixiesh lesbian (not just in haircut, but running style too), we should all be outraged. This ugly ugly woman didn’t just throw powder at Lindsay Lohan, she powdered all of our erections. Powdered them into withered nothings. And for what? So some faggy little mink can frolic around doing exciting mink activities like shitting on its food, eating it, and sleeping? Absurd.
Nov.11.2008 Cat seduces dog, fails
By now you know my one snarky weakness is adorable animals…they’re just so cute! Fortunately, this one combines a viciousness with the adorable cats, so it’s something every reader here can enjoy.
I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve pulled a similar move on a foxy lady. Though, fortunately for me, they’ve never snapped back like that. You’d be surprised what a couple wine coolers and and a rag with just a dab of ether will do for your game. I don’t know why Mystery doesn’t teach that on The Pickup Artist.
Nov.07.2008 Phase 1: Steal bull semen. Phase 2: ?. Phase 3: PROFIT
In Scotland, some thieves stole a fuckload of bull semen, probably more for sale than for a tasting session. One can only hope.
The incident happened near Brydekirk in Dumfries and Galloway some time between Sunday and Thursday.
The semen is stored in a purpose-built flask containing liquid nitrogen in order to keep it at a fixed temperature.
A police spokesman said the flask was the only item taken during the raid on the farm.
“Due to the high value it will have a market - somebody will take it off their hands.”
Tee hee take it off their hands. Man, how low must you be on ideas for crime when you get to the point where you’re stealing bull semen for profit? I get it’s Scotland and all and they’re all fucked up and like to stick all sorts of things in sheep orifices, but nonetheless this seems like it’d be at least bottom ten on the ideas of crimes to make money. Probably right ahead of jerking off homeless men for their change or sawing off people’s legs and then selling them to hungry Vikings.
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Nov.04.2008 Finally, a viable write-in candidate
If you’re like me, you may like one candidate more than the other but mayyyybe don’t want to lose all of your income to give to welfare and the poor (what can I say, I’m a wealthy and powerful man). Well, finally, we have a viable candidate.
I would absolutely cast a vote for adorable puppies. They’d probably shit themselves less than John McCain would and are probably less likely to bite you than Joe Biden. Win/win!
Less slobber than Trig Palin too. Aw.
Oct.29.2008 Quote of the Day
A Vet in the UK gave a hernia operation to a fish. Sound retarded? It is. I didn’t even know fish could have hernias but I think we all learned something today.
James Oliver of London Aquarium, where Carla has lived for 10 years, said: “I guess it’s a bit extreme to operate on a small tropical fish, but she’s almost family.”
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