Oct.02.2008 The 7 most completely bizarre McDonald’s commercials
After seeing that video yesterday where a man punched a teenage girl in the face at a McDonald’s, I got to thinking…McDonald’s is pretty much as wholesome a slice of Americana as we have. Only, not so much when you take a look at some of these perturbing commercials throughout McDonald’s history.
Ronald McDonald’s TV debut
This is supposed to be the first ever McDonald’s commercial, conveniently coinciding with the first appearance of Ronald McDonald. And, with such a stellar debut, you’d think it would have probably been his last.
There’s just something menacing about him in this. Whether it’s the pedophilic voice (and the way he already “knows the kids”), his food hat (never trust anyone in a hat made of food…I’m looking at you, Chiquita Banana), his serial killer make-up, or his dancing alone to a somewhat perturbing jingle, it really hits all the notes. The total package terrifies me. Imagining him yelling at me to eat the hamburgers off of his “magic regenerating burger tray” makes me want to curl up into the fetal position and pray that he just moves onto a more willing victim. And people today say the Burger King is creepy. You kids don’t know how easy you have it.
Into the heart of McDonaldland…
Some research shows that this is one of the first “McDonaldland” commercials, a campaign which debuted in 1971, and it shows. It’s definitely got a 60s feel to it, with the LSD-inspired hamburgers with eyes and french fry plants (perhaps a precursor to the Fry Kids, only they don’t scream when you eat them) and the Beatles’ Yellow Submarine-sounding theme. But at the same time, check out Ronald’s fro. That bad boy is pure 70s Black clown power Dolemite.
Of course, the idea was basically entirely ripped off from H.R. Pufnstuf, leading to a lawsuit that meant shutting down the McDonaldland usage in TV ads. No way Mayor McCheese was pleased…did you see him in there with the McDonaldland Chief of Police? He was all about business, trying to maintain sanity in this crazy crazy world around him.
The Hamburglar touch
The Hamburglar dreams that he could turn everything into hamburgers, which is working out pretty well for him as he just goes around making everything into hamburgers (but not eating them, which seems kind of counterproductive). Eventually, he decides Grimace would make the greatest hamburger of all, but Ronald puts the kibosh on that one. So the Hamburglar accidentally touches his face and becomes a hamburger himself. Since paradoxes greatly confuse the Hamburglar (”How can I steal the hamburger if I am the hamburger?”), he wakes up horrified.
Here’s one thing I never understood. The Hamburglar loves McDonald’s hamburgers, but doesn’t like paying for them. So he turns to a life of crime, solely consisting of hamburger-related theft. In spite of the fact that Ronald seems to always be cockblocking the Hamburglar’s attempts at living up to his name, he and Grimace opt to hang out with him and a plate full of burgers which, presumably, they bought. Why would you tempt him? Even if he’s genuinely your friend, do you hang out with alcoholics and start spraying hoses filled with vodka up into the air? Ronald has a real sinister side to him.
Also for fun: Imagine that this is the diner scene from Heat.
The Grimace has stolen all of our cups.
Turns out that Grimace wasn’t always a friend. His introduction to the viewing public came when he committed a dastardly deed in the form of stealing all of the cups in McDonaldland. Now maybe I’m just less heroic than Ronald, but when a giant blob monster steals all my cups, I’m inclined to let him go. But the discourse between Ronald and the kids went more like this:
“But how will we drink our delicious triple-thick shakes, Ronald?”
“We’re going to have to get the Grimace.”
“Um…he’s an 8 foot-tall monster. We could just drink it straight from the machine, clown. Or even buy new cups.”
“…what did I just say.”
“*in unison* Sorry Ronald.”
Of course Grimace is basically retarded because he is, in fact, a brainless pile of goop, so he falls for some hare-brained lie about a contest and Ronald gets all the cups and shakes are had by all. How Ronald and Grimace became friends after Ronald’s deceit escapes me. How could you ever trust him again?
To McDonald’s credit, they really crammed a lot of plot in there. It was more well-thought out than Two and a Half Men, at least.
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Oct.01.2008 Cigarette packages just got more fun in Britain!
I refuse to listen to any cartoon camel, so I’ve grown up thinking that smoking is not only bad, but that smokers are indeed jokers. But if you’re a smoker in the UK, you might end up seeing some horrific images on your packaging soon. The US can’t be that far off either.
Smokers buying cigarettes will from Wednesday be confronted with a series of gruesome images printed on the packets showing how tobacco damages health.
The pictures, which show cancerous lungs and throats as well as rotting teeth, replace written warnings such as “Smoking clogs the arteries and causes heart attacks and strokes” or “Smoking can cause a slow and painful death” which currently greet going to light up.
The picture warnings will start appearing on cigarette packs from October 1 and will be compulsory from October next year. They will be printed on all tobacco products from October 2010.
Why stop with cigarettes? Let’s go all the way and have the dangers of everything on the labels for everything. A vomiting man getting into a car accident with an ugly lady in the passenger seat on the side of alcohol, an enormously obese man on the side of a Big Mac box (with Scratch ‘n’ Sniff body odor!), a man standing there with a coathanger looking menacingly at his girlfriend on a box of condoms…there’s so much risk out there. The world needs to know!
The horrific pictures are after the jump. Be careful clicking. Seriously.
Sep.25.2008 Fashion advertising is weird.
I don’t claim to understand everything; most things, yes, but not everything. For example, meet Gucci’s new ad campaign for their Fall ‘08 “Hysteria Collection”.
I get that there’s a thin line between fashion and art. Every fashion shoot has a twinge of photographic artistry. But this is so abstract and odd to me. Why would I want a golden knight to palm my (supple and delicious) ass? Is that a desired affect of purchasing Gucci? Or are the bags a cure for my gold knight-inducing insanity as a result of not having Gucci? Do I have to have a vagina to understand this? Check out the video version of the ad below, maybe that offers some answers.
Yeah. So I’m not totally sure I get it. But apparently, it’s great.
Gold Knight and Ladytron’s music transport us to Gucci’s new world. Frida Giannini has managed to create a new impression in the brand. We’ll leave you with the ad campaign, and with the amazing video created to make Gucci one of the big online brands…
My new impression? “Holy fuck, am I high?” Maybe I’m totally off-base here, you decide. More hot knight-on-woman action below.
Sep.19.2008 Microsoft’s new ad: I’m a PC. Also, a douchebag
So after the new ads with Jerry Seinfeld were a catastrophe of the highest order, Microsoft went back to the drawing board for their ad campaign. And made this.
Yes, that’s pretty great. You know what’d be just as funny and possibly more poignant? An ad with Pete Townshend saying “I’m a PC”. Because, yes, a man who got busted with kiddie porn on his laptop appeals to me just as much as that piece of crap above.
What the fuck does the guy who catches fish use a PC for? Was that supposed to be cute? Ugh. I hate you, advertising.
Sep.05.2008 Microsoft has made Jerry Seinfeld suck
I don’t know how it’s possible, but Microsoft has somehow taken its uncanny sucking ability and made comedy deity Jerry Seinfeld into an utter bore. Check out the new commercial from the campaign that’s supposed to “totally revitalize PCs”.
Lol, they’re at a mall, doing things. That is so crazy yet so relatable. These two billionaires are so like me, I should totally buy their elitist computer system and be asked twenty times a day by Vista whether it’s okay for me to click a button on my mouse. Stupid Vista.
Yes, I use PCs exclusively. Doesn’t mean I can’t whine about it.
Aug.20.2008 Jessica Simpson now just a beer slut
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I remember growing up I would see girls in bikinis in the local deli preening for some beer product. They were just talentless chicks looking for a gig. Well, seems fitting for Jessica Simpson then doesn’t it?
Singer, actress and North Texas native Jessica Simpson will soon be marketing beer, according to an announcement expected today from a local brewing company.
Jessica Simpson has signed on as spokeswoman for Stampede Light Plus, made by Dallas’ Stampede Brewing Co.
Ms. Simpson will serve as a spokeswoman and appear in ads in stores for Stampede Light Plus, which is made by Dallas’ Stampede Brewing Co.
But she won’t be just another pretty face: Ms. Simpson is taking a 15 percent stake in the brewer. Terms of the transaction were not disclosed.
“She’s the face of the brand now,” said Lawrence Schwartz, Stampede’s president and chief executive, who says sales have more than doubled in the past year.
Wow! Stampede AND Stampede Light! That’s a pretty big coup for her career! I guess Natty Light wasn’t looking for a celebrity endorser? A little too high brow for Jessica, I guess.
Seriously is she hard up for cash? Because no joke, I will pay her for sex. Like I don’t expect her to jump at the offer, but think about it. I have a lot of green M&Ms just sitting around with nowhere to go. Just saying. Think about it.
Aug.15.2008 Wow, Burger King is f’d up
I just came across this first image on Buzzfeed of an onion about to get a rectal exam at the airport from a pickle and thought, “Holy shit, this is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen (and eerily similar to all of my fantasies).” Then, after some more digging, I found a few more. Apparently, these are ads Burger King launched in Europe (though this first one may be in the US…I’m not sure).
The campaign is something called “Veg City” and includes the brutal murder of tomatoes, drunken debauchery on New Years, pickles buying sex from fat potatoes (shamefully…I’ve been there man), and the attempted assassination of some onion dictator. Needless to say, I’d like to know more about the lives of these vegetables yet I have no desire to ever put any of them in my mouth for any reason. So I’m not sure if Burger King accomplished their advertising goals. Check the images, via Brutalissimo, out below…
