Apr.24.2008 POLYGAMYGATE: So what about those polygamy sect kids
We’ve been all over the sexy…tragic story of the Polygamy sect in Texas being broken up by the Feds. But now that things are being cleaned up, what about the kids?
Many of the children have seen little or no television. They have been essentially home-schooled all their lives. Most were raised on garden-grown vegetables and twice-daily prayers with family. They frolic in long dresses and buttoned-up shirts from another century. They are unfailingly polite.
The 437 children taken from the polygamist compound in West Texas are being scattered to group homes and boys’ and girls’ ranches across the state, plunged into a culture radically different from the community where they and their families shunned the outside world as a hostile, contaminating influence on their godly way of life.
The state Child Protective Services program said it chose foster homes where the youngsters can be kept apart from other children for now.
“We recognize it’s critical that these children not be exposed to mainstream culture too quickly or other things that would hinder their success,” agency spokeswoman Shari Pulliam said. “We just want to protect them from abuse and neglect. We’re not trying to change them.”
Yeah these kids are fucked. It’s probably for the best if we just like burn them all alive or send them to Switzerland or something. It’s hard to imagine some of them, especially the older ones, being deprogrammed enough to be contributing members of society. I mean, yeah the girls would make great wives because I could basically treat them like a rabid wolf that I have sex with (and that bakes me delicious Polygamy Pies! Multiple flavors combined into one delicious cakey crust! Get yours now!). Chained up and totally bending to my will. So appealing.
I guess so long as the government doesn’t go with my “burn them alive” strategy, these kids will have a far better deal. I mean, TV alone is probably worth the price of admission. And yeah, if you’re a boy, you’re not going to be the alpha male of the world like you would have been in the sect. But you also don’t have to see your sister get diddled by a 40 year-old wearing an Amish beard and a stupid hat to protect his dumb reddened skin from the sun. So I guess it evens out. Ugh and with all that farming and shit, the guy probably has really meaty knuckles too. And there’s no way he’s just using one finger either; they never just use one…it’s in their Wacky Magic Bible or whatever they call their scripture. Sigh. Dirty dirty polygamists.
Wait polygamists do farm and shit too right? I mean, I know they use electricity, but I assume if you have a huge ass compound, there’s some agriculture going on. Eh, fuck em.
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Apr.18.2008 The April 18 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy with Chubby Cox
–The dirtiest names in sports tournament…if you like puns and dick jokes, prepare for your Waterloo. [The World of Isaac]
–Manute Bol’s candor about Shawn Bradley is humorous and appreciated. [Busted Coverage]
–Have you ever said “An egg full of silly putty just isn’t enough”? Well, after psychiatric evaluation, you should check out this 5-pound blob of silly putty. [Tasty Booze]
–The Popemobile looks more like a torture chamber attached to an SUV than you’d think. [Mac G's World]
–There are scientific reasons why every athlete is drunk every moment of their lives. [NextRound.net]
Apr.17.2008 Pope says child-diddling not the best idea
The Pope is doing his big US tour this week, hitting up DC right now and NYC tomorrow through Sunday. So he’s commenting on all the hot button issues, like how kids’ hot buttons were manipulated.
Pope Benedict on Wednesday acknowledged the Church had handled the pedophile priests scandal “very badly” and told U.S. bishops to bind up wounds and seek reconciliation with those who were “so seriously wronged.”
For the second consecutive day, the pope said the scandal had caused “deep shame” and enormous pain as the result of priests betraying their vocation by sexually abusing minors with such “gravely immoral behavior.”
But he said the problem ran deeper, saying children should be “spared the degrading manifestations and the crude manipulation of sexuality so prevalent” in society today.
The title of the article is: Pope acknowledges sex abuse scandal “badly handled”. I like to pretend to be dyslexic, then outraged, so I read it as “Pope acknowledges bad abuse scandal “sexily handled”. Then I was like, “ARGH THAT POPE IS SO BRAZEN! HOW DARE HE!” Needless to say, I threw my Pope bobblehead down in disgust. And it bounced up and its mouth hit my groin. Give it a rest, Catholic church! My crotch is a no-fly zone for you!
But yeah, it’s pretty great how he blames society for some of the “degradations” of kids today. Yeah, it’s totally the fault of Myspace and camera phones and not because Father Flannagan played Bobbing for Communion Wafers. Never has the blood of Christ tasted quite as bleachy!
Apr.10.2008 The April 10 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy with a bizarre tandem
–Why are Tyson Beckford and Jeremy Piven trolling for poon together? And why does Beckford have a red goatee? [Don Chavez]
–Mr. Belding is out and and about cavorting like a younger man. [NextRound]
–Catholics are not pleased with an ad by DC’s Metro transportation system with a Pope bobblehead. His head only bobbles near young men, I’ll have you know. [Mac G's World]
–The Colorado Rockies treat a Red Sox fan just like he should be treated (w/ video). [Busted Coverage]
–There are large breasted Italian girls in Texas. Who knew? [Hottest Girls of Myspace]
Apr.09.2008 Polygamy sounds fun. Assuming you’re not the underaged wife
Polygamists have kind of a bad wrap in this country. And perhaps it’s justified when you consider that one sect is forcing underaged girls into abusive marriages
The scared girl, already a mother at 16, whispered into a cell phone: she wanted out. She’d been forced to marry a man more than three times her age, becoming his seventh wife.
Her husband sexually assaulted her, and when he was angry, he would beat her while other women held her infant, she told a family violence shelter in a series of secret calls that triggered an investigation of the polygamist sect here.
But child welfare officials allege in court documents released Tuesday that the compound built by leaders of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints was rife with sexual abuse, with girls spiritually married to much older men as soon as they reached puberty and boys groomed to perpetuate the cycle.
Well, they say if there’s grass on the field, marry it and force it to allow you to play ball all over it while you regularly wander to other fields and play ball there as well, then beat all your fields with phone books and sacks of oranges.
If I were a 1980s comedian, I’d probably say something to the effect of, “I can barely handle my one wife! How can these guys be with four? Seems like four times the amount of someone yelling at me to take out the trash! Am I right? Am I right?” Then I’d snap my suspenders thusly.
Mar.21.2008 SITE NEWS: Did I mention I’m off for Good Friday
I’m not in work today and just got my Internet connected at home, so whatever, I’m not doing any posts today. FINALLY back to the usual routine next week.
In the mean time, some links. Happy Zombie Christ Day everyone! Enjoy your chocolate rabbits to distract you from the fact that a man was NAILED TO A CROSS because you touch yourself at night.
New Jersey celebrates Bag Day! [Don Chavez]
USC fans (read: ME) are not happy about losing in the NCAA tourney last night. [Busted Coverage]
Canadians give the best Snow Jobs. [Cuzoogle]
If you’re playing in the NCAA tournament, you should probably be able to hit an open dunk (w/ video). [On205th]
Finally, remove your pubic hair without becoming a ‘mo. [Attuworld]
Mar.10.2008 The Pope has some new sins for you
So Catholicism is kind of dumb except for the whole part about fucking boys (which isn’t cool, but I can respect it/occasionally fantasize about it…I mean what, huh, who said that). But when the Pope says there should be some new sins, goddammit I am going to totally fucking Jesus Christ up and listen to what he has to say while I engage in premarital sex and worship my yellow highlighter. PRAISE BE TO GLOWNOR!
Thou shall not pollute the Earth. Thou shall beware genetic manipulation. Modern times bring with them modern sins. So the Vatican has told the faithful that they should be aware of “new” sins such as causing environmental blight.
Asked what he believed were today’s “new sins,” he told the Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano that the greatest danger zone for the modern soul was the largely uncharted world of bioethics.
“(Within bioethics) there are areas where we absolutely must denounce some violations of the fundamental rights of human nature through experiments and genetic manipulation whose outcome is difficult to predict and control,” he said.
The Vatican opposes stem cell research that involves destruction of embryos and has warned against the prospect of human cloning.
Girotti, in an interview headlined “New Forms of Social Sin,” also listed “ecological” offences as modern evils.
In recent months, Pope Benedict has made several strong appeals for the protection of the environment, saying issues such as climate change had become gravely important for the entire human race.
Under Benedict and his predecessor John Paul, the Vatican has become progressively “green.”
First of all I just want to say that I find it hard to take anything seriously coming from a man wearing red Prada shoes and a comically oversized hat. Unless it’s like something about more effectively working the shaft while tonguing the head. Then that’s the kind of thing where maybe you’ll take his expertise.
I dunno though, how can messing up the environment be a sin? Like if the environment gets messed up, shouldn’t that be construed as part of God’s divine plan? Isn’t that fundamentally what this whole deal is based around? Same thing with the baby fetuses being turned into a creme brulee cure for cancer. If God is all-powerful and all-knowing and wearing a nice white robe and he hates babies being put in a blender to cure what ails me, then maybe he just would stop me from eating baby protein shakes. I DARE YOU!*
*please don’t strike me down, I’m too handsome to die.
[Thanks to my alluring reader Caitlin for the tip.]
