Jun.25.2008 7 year-old drives car, is child
Some kid who totally wasn’t any sort of ethnicity drove his grandmother’s car down MARTIN LUTHER KING BLVD (DING DING) and crashed it. It’s a slow news day, blow me.
Matthew Sands had to look twice at the driver of a red Geo Tracker that passed him on Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard Tuesday morning.
Mafatau told police he tried to stop the vehicle as the 7-year-old boy crashed into a bush near Burger King west of the mall. The boy drove off around the mall and then crashed into a bush and tree near Outback Steakhouse when Sands stopped his car and tried to get the keys out of the Geo.
The boy then threw the vehicle in reverse and backed into Sands’ car in the mall drive off Granville Avenue.
“He was awful small to be driving,” said Sands of Hartford City.
You know who else is awful small to be driving? Midgets. And we not only let them drive their stupid midget cards with sticks and booster seats everywhere, but we also let them LIVE. And REPRODUCE! So fuck that, let this little kid drive all he wants. At least he’s going to grow some day.
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Jun.24.2008 The Cookie Monster was on Stephen Colbert
So I just caught up with Thursday’s episode of The Colbert Report and holy shit am I sad I didn’t get to this sooner. Colbert discussed the recent study that showed that fruit had usurped cookies as the #1 snack for kids. And then accused the Cookie Monster of pushing a pro-fruit agenda. So imagine his surprise when the Cookie Monster made a guest appearance to rebut!
Nothing I say here would possibly be funnier so yeah…fruit is for fags.
Jun.23.2008 “Silly pills” + kids = sex
Are you a parent in Texas in a good mood? Well here’s something to spoil it. Kids in a small Texas town are being drugged and forced into sex shows. Fun!
In the windowless front rooms of a former day care center in a tiny Texas community, children as young as 5 were fed powerful painkillers they knew as “silly pills” and forced to perform sex shows for a crowd of adults.
Two people have already been convicted in the case. Now a third person with ties to the club, previously known in town only as a swingers group, is set to go on trial Monday not far from Mineola, population 5,100.
Patrick Kelly, 41, is charged with aggravated sexual assault of a child, tampering with physical evidence and engaging in organized criminal activity.
In all, six adults have been charged in connection with the case, including a parent of the three siblings involved.
Jurors this year deliberated less than five minutes before returning guilty verdicts against the first two defendants, who were accused of grooming the kids for sex shows in “kindergarten” classes and passing off Vicodin as “silly pills” to help the children perform.
How great of a front must this daycare have been? Like, if I were bringing my kids to a daycare, if I sense something even slightly amiss, I’d probably elect to bring them somewhere else. But these people had kids taking drugs and doing sex acts and parents were like “Suuuure! Take my kid!” They probably got the kid back all drugged up and sexed out, all deflated and tired and were like “Wow, this daycare center really gets my kids back on track. I’ve never seen them so sedated! And he even seems to be producing a type of delicious ketchup from his rectum! Thanks daycare without windows!”
And uh, where can one acquire an adult dose of these “silly pills”? Theoretically. I feel like I wouldn’t even have to slide it into a girl’s drink, I could probably go “Hey, silly pills!” and she’d be like “Sounds like a blast! They’re so silly!” It’s brilliant marketing, really.
Jun.12.2008 Boy Scouts get smited…smote? Is it smote?
Whatever the past participle may be of “smite” may be, some Boy Scouts in Iowa got fucked up by a tornado. Tornados: 1, Homoerotic children’s clubs: 0, Ties: 1.
Frightened Boy Scouts huddled in a shelter as a tornado tore through their western Iowa campground, killing four people and injuring 48 others who had little to no warning of the approaching twister.
Tornadoes also touched down in Kansas, Minnesota and Nebraska on Wednesday. They killed at least two people in northern Kansas, destroyed much of the small town of Chapman and caused extensive damage on the Kansas State University campus.
In Iowa, rescue workers cut their way through downed branches and dug through debris amid rain and lightning Wednesday night to reach the camp where the 93 boys, ages 13 to 18, and 25 staff members were attending a weeklong leadership training camp.
The boys were split into two groups when the storm hit the Little Sioux Scout Ranch in the remote Loess Hills. One group managed to take shelter, while the other was out hiking.
Hmm, it would appear as though they misspelled “fucking” in that last paragraph. Can’t FOX afford a good copy editor? Jeez.
The death/injury toll seems to be a little too even though for my tastes. Almost like they were paired off. And stuck together. As if each Boy Scout had a partner, sometimes another Boy Scout, sometimes a Troop Leader. Perhaps they were entangled in some way, one caught inside the other like a hairless Chinese finger trap.
I remember when my dad took me to an introductory Boy Scout meeting when I was little. I was like, seven years old maybe, and I just remember thinking “Holy shit this is so gay.” And that was before the ceremonial “dry finger in the asshole” introduction. At least if it’s slippery, you can say it slid in (ask my girlfriend). But apparently you don’t understand discretion when you’re one with nature.
Jun.05.2008 Rosie O’Donnell is all about snizz
Rosie O’Donnell is a big ol’ lesbian, which would be cool if she didn’t look like one of those marshmallow pillow things you put on your bed. Anyway, she totally wants to munch on Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Angelina Jolie.
Despite their political differences (which lead to many feuds on The View), Rosie O’Donnell finds conservative Elisabeth Hasselbeck nice on the eyes!
“Were you not attracted to Elisabeth Hasselbeck?” Howard Stern asked on his Sirius Satellite radio program Monday. “When you look at her physically, you don’t want her?”
“See, the want is the big thing,” O’Donnell responded. “I find her very attractive. She’s very attractive, I think.”
“Her body is perfect,” Stern said.
“Have you seen her biceps?” O’Donnell replied.
But O’Donnell’s true fantasy woman is pregnant Angelina Jolie (who turned 33 today).
“She’s got a little darkness - a little kind of weird sexuality going on,” she told Stern.
I’m sure Angelina Jolie reads this and is like “Wow, I’m so flattered that Rosie O’Donnell of all people would want to be with me. Sure, let me abandon BRAD PITT for that fucking water buffalo because that would obviously be a big upgrade for me.” Plus Rosie would just eat the kids Angelina adopts, confusing them for delicious little chocolate people. She’s just be sitting there with a brown leg out of the side of her mouth while Angelina mutters “Not again…” Ha because she’s fat! And because little third-worlders are delicious.
I was image searching for Elisabeth Hasselbeck and I was kind of disappointed. Did I completely make this up or didn’t she used to be really hot? Like now she kind of looks like that thing that was dissected in Alien Autopsy. It’s probably the ten kids she’s birthed in the past two years, I guess. Stupid kids, always ruining everything I love. Including pedophilia.
Jun.03.2008 Boy in bubble now free of bubble
Did you know that there are still boys in bubbles? Well, make that one less so-called “bubble boy”.
A boy who is only one of seven in the world with a genetic mutation appears to have been cured after spending two months sealed away in a bubble chamber, the Daily Mail reported.
Rhys Harris, 7, has a genetic mutation called NEMO, or Nuclear Factor Kappa B Essential Modulator mutation, which causes recurrent bacterial infections and abnormalities to the hair, teeth, nails, sweat glands, cranial-facial structure and other body parts.
After Rhys was diagnosed with tuberculosis, his parents, Kevin and Dawn Harris, allowed doctors to seal the boy in a space-age airtight chamber, according to the Daily Mail.
No one, including his parents, was allowed to touch him while Rhys was in the bubble chamber. Doctors thought Rhys would have to stay in the isolated room for as long as eight months.
But after just two months, he was strong enough to return to his home near Newbridge, South Wales. He had to wear a mask, however, to protect him from illness.
I’m sorry, the correct answer is “Moops”.
I’d make a more clever joke but I read up on NEMO to see what it did. Turns out, this is what it does:
Mutation of the gene encoding NEMO can result in immunodeficiency without ectodermal dysplasia
Aaaaand I refuse to subject my brain to any more of this. Like I’m so perplexed that I don’t even want to say anything mean about the kid. Godspeed you brave lil soldier.
May.27.2008 Why help when you can molest?
Hey you know what’s a great idea? Becoming a “peacekeeper” to molest kids. What? Someone already thought of that? Dammit.
Save the Children UK says in a report released Tuesday that it has uncovered evidence of widespread sexual abuse of children at the hands of peacekeepers and international aid workers in war zones and disaster areas.
The report said more than half the children interviewed knew of cases of coerced sex and improper sexual touching and that in many instances children knew of 10 or more such incidents carried out by aid workers or peacekeepers.
In some cases, children as young as 6 years old were abused, the report said.
The report details many types of abuse allegedly committed by peacekeepers and aid workers, including trading food for sex, coerced sex, improper touching and kissing, forced prostitution and using children for pornographic purposes.
Save the Children spokesman Dominic Nutt said U.N. peacekeepers are involved in many abuse cases because they are present throughout the world in such large numbers. But he praised the United Nations for improving its reporting and investigative procedures regarding sex abuse.
I don’t know that you can call it “reporting” and “investigating” if the primary way that things were accounted for is when peacekeepers exchanged high fives after an especially proficient diddling. But yeah, even with some measure of accountability in place, I can’t say that, after this, I’d be particularly enthused if I were an impoverished native and some peacekeeper came over with a medicine kit and a gleam in his eye. I don’t know what’s a needle and what isn’t any more, man.
Conversely, what man hasn’t traded food for sex or improper touching? I like to go down to the homeless shelter on payday with a steak tied to my belt buckle. The flesh may be weak and possibly corroded and, sure, I don’t even give them the steak half the time, but we both knew this was a dangerous deal in the first place, didn’t we?
