Jul.31.2008 Jennifer Aniston must be cold
I’m starting to think that Jennifer Aniston tweaks her nipples before going out just to get people to post images of her. It’s like 100 degrees out wherever she is and it looks like she’s frigid more ways than emotionally. Anyway, that seems to suit John Mayer pretty well.
“John has such an amazing crew of musicians and friends with him. Everyone gets along and is drama free and Jen fits right in – perfectly,” says a Mayer friend. “Everyone really loves her.”
At a recent concert in Chula Vista, Calif., Mayer’s girlfriend continued to be the subject of fans’ anonymous text messages that were displayed on twin screens between acts. One said, “We want Jennifer Aniston to come out now!!!”
But even if the media coverage is exhausting, the source says Mayer, 30, is happier than ever with Aniston, 39.
“They are very happy together, it’s working really well and they’re only getting closer,” says the Mayer pal. “His friends think she’s great for him.”
That’s a pretty nice thing for John’s friend to say. It’s pretty convenient that some friend of John’s went to People and said exactly the opposite of what Jen’s reputation is. You know, the one of her being clingy and needy and unlikeable and kind of crazy. It’s pretty great that John was able to strike up such a great friendship with Jen’s publicist.
This is also a real feel good story in another way. It’s great to see Maggie Gyllenhaal getting a new line of work after uglying up The Dark Knight. That has to be her in the photos below, right? It must have gotten too hard to have her on set, what with the cameras and monitors always shattering after being forced to bear her reflection.
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Jul.24.2008 Sophie Monk: Less attractive when not in bikini
You may recall the amazing photos floating around the Internet yesterday of Sophie Monk looking ridiculously hot in a sheer bikini. Turns out that girls in bikinis are hotter than girls not in bikinis. Exhibit A:
I know occasionally I have “unrealistic expectations of women” and perhaps I want them to not “be real” or “look ugly” but seriously what the fuck. I don’t think it’s SO unreasonable for me to not want you to have pit stains on your t-shirt. I don’t care HOW hot it is out. We could be on the surface of the sun and I will say to you, “Um…sup with the sweat? Didn’t realize I was dating Orson Welles.” I don’t think it’s so much to ask that you have all of your sweat glands removed and have any toxins that stay in your body as a result removed via painful surgeries (that don’t scar…so HELP me if I see a single scar). But other than that, I’m just a guy looking for a simple gal to share good times with.
[Love you Celebutopia]
Jul.15.2008 The July 15 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy with a celebrity dress
-Ever want to sniff Stacy Keibler’s crotch? Buy her dress, like Busted Coverage did
-Alyssa Milano <3s the MLB All-Star game
-Here’s what NCAA Football 09 needs
-Lauren Conrad may very well be coming to your town
-Kids love beer if they’re Cubs fans
-Five fictional movies that changed reality
-Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel no longer (literally) bumping uglies
-Strippers continue to train hard for the Olympics in China
-Italian girls on Myspace are hot
Jul.08.2008 Lindsay Lohan continues to munch box, love it
The Mirror in the UK is reporting that Lindsay Lohan is officially dyking and really relishing it. I think “official” is a bit of a stretch, but reporting on real news is for fags.
Talking about her special someone Sam, Lindsay said: “I just wanna live a happy, healthy year, continue on the path that I’ve been on and be with the person that I care about. And my family.”
And Sam must feel the same way because she posted a pic of her and Lindsay kissing on her MySpace page.
A pal said: “Sam and Lindsay are inseparable. Sam has been a really good influence on Lindsay.
“There is no one else special in Lindsay’s life apart from Sam but it has taken her a while to feel like she can talk about their relationship.
“Lindsay hasn’t dated any men since she started hanging around with Sam, and there has hardly been a day in the last two months when they have been apart.
“They have been shacked up in Lindsay’s place and they spend weekends like a married couple going to the supermarket together.
In related news, I’m planning on eating a tuna sandwich this afternoon. I assume that it will provide me similar joy to what Lindsay’s experiencing.
I guess it’s sort of like how much dick can you get without being sick of it? I mean at this point for Lindsay, it has to be miles and miles worth. It’s like that song with the “how many miles must a man walk down before you can call him a man,” except putting “of cock” in there and “a Lohan” and changing the second “a man” into “a lesbian.” Yeah that was a little convoluted but whatever, put some work in here, you bastards.
[More on Sappho 1 and 2 at WWTDD]
Jun.13.2008 EXTREMELY IMPORTANT question Friday
I haven’t seen any good midget videos lately and I like having a feature, so I’d like to pose an important question that I’m curious about every week. Comments would be appreciated.
Let’s say you meet an attractive woman at a bar. You get along great, she’s interesting, smart. Anyway, after a lot of banter, she asks you to jerk off in a cup for her. I don’t know why; maybe it’s a fetish, maybe she’s been playing a prank on you this whole time, maybe she just wants to see if you’d do it for her. Would you do it?
May.19.2008 Finally the virtual girlfriend you’ve waited for
I’m sure this has no relevance to my readers since I assume to “get” me you have to be as cool and handsome as I am. But if you’re an unlucky guy, you may want to consider this recently unveiled NYU student’s creation: A virtual girlfriend.
It’s simple to behold — a single mattress, tucked into a dark, curtained back room of the showcase space. On it: a lithe brunette. She’s perfectly quiet, but once you sit or lie down, she responds to your every move. Lie on your back, she snuggles up right next to you in a log position. Curl up in the fetal position, she spoons. The only hitch: She’s 2-D. “Yeah, you can’t feel the girl. That’s the thing,” Burrows explained as he demonstrated his invention, an “infrared sensitive” light projection (meaning it reacts, and the projected woman moves, based on an infrared sensor) called INBED. “Still, it’s so nice if you’re tired and worn out to have someone to curl up with.”
As for satisfying those not-so-innocent late-night desires, this lady adheres to her role as steady girlfriend. Give her kiss on the check and she rolls over and buries her face in the pillow. And yes, she stays fully clothed at all times. Nonetheless, Burrows suggests his new alternative to a full-body pillow or (ugh) blow-up doll could provide late-night comfort for traders, lawyers, or any other single guy in Manhattan who simply works too hard to keep a girlfriend. Speaking of, how long has Burrows been single?
“Long enough to come up with this idea,” he sighed.
Wow, a girlfriend you can’t touch. This is an even better idea than the invisible hamburger my dad used to give me when I was little that ended in me biting my own hand. And by little, I mean like last November. Whatever, I caught on eventually.
But that’s pretty great that you can have this fake chick in your bed giving you all the non-physical benefits of a relationship. Like uh…talking about shoes. Or staring at you with utter contempt and disbelief that she once found you appealing. Yeah, that’s what I need. If I wanted a chick welded to the bed who still thought she was better than me, I’d have kept dating that 800-pound woman. At least then I’d have been able to occasionally find a sandwich while going down on her.
May.14.2008 Catcalling is fun for everyone involved
I’ve always thought randomly shouting things at women on the street in an effort to bed them was a little bizarre. Apparently, catcalling is simultaneously as awful as and less awful than I built it up to be.
As the weather warms each spring, women — especially in cities with active sidewalk traffic — once again face catcalls from men. It’s a situation some find unnerving and an invasion of their space, while others ignore or are even flattered by.
“I call it street abuse,” says New York City filmmaker Maggie Hadleigh-West, 49. “It’s unwanted attention and invasion of space.”
Yeah I agree. If you’re harassing a 49 year-old woman, you may want to take a long, hard look in the mirror. Then again, women are kind of delusional about who is or isn’t hitting on them sometimes. It was probably a guy handing out menopause brochures and she was all like, “HEY BUDDY, I WILL NOT HAVE SEX WITH YOU” and he was like, “Ummm…k!” She was probably really proud of herself that day.
On the other hand, some women appreciate the attention in certain cases, like Jessica, a 31-year-old health-care educator in Los Angeles, who declined to use her last name to protect her privacy. “Yeah, it’s objectifying and all, but you know, if I walked down the street and didn’t have men looking me up and down and catcalling, I’d think, ‘Boy I must really be getting old and dumpy’,” she says.
She’s gotten catcalls just walking her parents’ dog in baggy sweats. “I thought it was hysterical, like, ‘Boy, doesn’t take much to impress you, does it?’”
It’s true. Once you’re 31, you are old and dumpy. However, this really ties into the deep psychological issues inflicted upon women by society. The ills of magazines like Vogue or shows like Sex and the City promote a negative view of women that can make women feel less significant. Or you’re all insecure bitches who constantly need to be told you’re pretty so that you can walk around in life without collapsing on the floor in a pool of tears. Probably the latter.
The site HollaBackNYC.blogspot.com encourages New Yorkers to snap pictures of street harassers and then post them.
Emily May, 27, and six of her friends were inspired to create the site in 2005 after a young New York woman used her camera phone to take a photo of a man who was looking at her while touching himself on the subway. The picture led to his arrest. (Such behavior is, according to New York state law, a misdemeanor offense). The blog has spawned similar sites in other major cities such as Chicago and San Francisco.
The site is a way to encourage dialogue, says May. “I think sites like ours can help women see that they’re not alone, that it happens to women in all walks of life by men in all walks of life, and that it’s not okay.”
It’s time for men to take the power back in the Holla Back infrastructure. Next time you feel compelled to yell something at a woman in an effort to get into her pants, throw a banana at her. She’ll be so confused and the key to bagging hot babes is doing the unexpected. That’s why I like to call rape “Surprise Sex”. Girls love surprises. Makes it sound way more fun, I think.
According to existing studies and her own findings, Kearl says, some men are simply ignorant about how their behavior is perceived. Kearl, who completed her thesis, “Direct Action, Education, Consciousness-Raising, Activism and the Internet: Methods for Combating Street Harassment,” last year, thinks posting on Web sites like HollaBackNYC is preferable to resorting to anger and violence.
“A lot of men have no idea that women don’t like being talked to in this way,” she says. “It never crosses their mind, and yelling doesn’t educate them. If you yell, they often don’t understand why you are upset and so they take it personally.”
If a woman tried to fight be because I said something like, “Hey doll, nice gams!” or something I’d probably just laugh and let her punch me. It’s like letting a kitten swat at you with its little paws. It’s like, “Aww look at the lil kitty! You’re a feisty one aren’t you? Wuzza wuzza.” Though I probably wouldn’t find myself crying later in the night if the kitty refused my sexual advances. Well, not again. Damn sexy cats and your misleading ways.
