Aug.19.2008 The 7 awful movies that will prepare you the most for college
So I recently saw the awful trailer for the new movie College (BEWARE IF YOU CLICK THAT LINK…PARTIES AND GIRLS AND BOOZE AND MADCAP ADVENTURES AHOY!) and thought that many people, especially incoming freshman, may be mislead by that movie right as they’re starting to get on campus for the first time. College isn’t all about fun and excessive drinking. It’s about learning. There are so many college-themed movies out there…let’s take a look at the ones that will impart much needed wisdom to you before you hit the college campus.
Soul Man
Majors in: Theatre, Anthropology
Lessons to Learn: Blackface will help you achieve all of your academic dreams; Entitlement is a curse, not a blessing
I don’t care if you read the rest of this post, but if you do one thing for me ever, watch this clip above of C. Thomas Howell getting caught by his parents in his crazy scheme of acting black to get a college scholarship.
Yes, that’s right. The premise of Soul Man was that C. Thomas Howell was rich and privileged but, since his dad didn’t want to spend money on him any more and wouldn’t pay for his Harvard education, CTH had to pretend to be black for some reason to get a special scholarship. With a lot of bronzing pills and some “soul” in his voice, apparently people believe that he’s a black guy. Yeah. Honestly, the producers of this films should have to pay reparations for the fact that this film exists. Not just to black people, but to everyone who ever even saw the box art.
Higher Learning
Majors in: Ethnography
Lessons to Learn: We’re all different but beautiful; Lesbianism can find ways to be depressing
And now the other end of the racial spectrum…
There aren’t many movies that can combine the first theatrical appearance of critically acclaimed actress Tyra Banks with the musical stylings of Michael Rappaport, but fortunately, Higher Learning is indeed one (and, unless God is punishing us, the only).
The film is a drama, so there’s a lot of stuff going on, all in a crrrrrrazyyyyy couple months of college. For example, skinheads (oh you know how college is always filled with skinheads…college is a big place for radical conservatism) recruit Michael Rappaport since he’s lost in the “multicultural shuffle” of college; Kristy Swanson is date raped, then becomes a lesbian with Jennifer Connelly (not in the fun, let’s make out for attention way, but in the Lilith Fair way); and Omar Epps goes through a militant black stage before realizing he can be a black athlete and a student and blah blah there’s a lot of race stuff in here that wasn’t heavy handed at all.
With Honors
Majors in: Public Policy
Lessons to Learn: The homeless are valuable academic resources; Jheri curl tips from Patrick Dempsey
The tagline: If You Want a Degree, Go to Harvard. If You Want an Education, Go to Simon Wilder.
This film deserves a spot on the list for the poster alone. In the film, Joe Pesci plays a homeless guy (the Simon Wilder in the tag line) who lives in a boiler room at a Harvard library, only he’s smart and reads stuff and teaches important life lessons and doesn’t scream obscenities at me. Granted, I don’t hang out with many homeless people, but I find them to be less about debating professors about politics and more about crapping themselves and worrying about the satellites that are digging into their head because they saw aliens kill JFK. But that’s what college is all about…expanding your horizons.
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Aug.14.2008 Kentucky college girl wears dress too short, gets kicked out of mall
I don’t know what America’s turning into these days. Check out the story of Kymberly Clem, a college student forced out of a Richmond mall for wearing a dress that was “too short”. Sorry for the crappy image but it’s hard to find anything better.
A Kentucky college student has hired a lawyer after she was escorted out of a mall by security on Sunday because her dress was deemed too short, MyFOXBoston reports.
Kymberly Clem, a 20-year-old student at Eastern Kentucky University, wore the dress Sunday after purchasing it from the mall in Richmond the previous day, the Richmond Register reported Tuesday. After just a few minutes inside of the mall, a security guard approached her and expressed concerns over the length of the garment.
According to MyFOXBoston, the guard informed her that several female patrons had complained that she was disrupting their shopping experience because their husbands were “checking her out.”
“He made me turn all the way around while he stared me up and down,” she told the Register “The only thing he said was that other people didn’t like the way I looked, so he wanted me to leave.”
Clem’s sister Kendra told the Register that while the dress was short, it was not exposing any of her “private body parts.”
Granted I’m a big proponent of women’s rights and that makes me more inclined to take the side of the nubile college student over the angry henpecking women who complained about her dress because their husbands can’t stand looking at their butterball bodies any more and because every woman over 45 who isn’t at least a .6 on the MILFmometer should probably be shot and killed or taken to an internment camp, but this is just ridiculous. As is the fact that a grown woman used the phrase “private body parts”. We need to encourage our young women, not tear them down. They’re already getting all uppity with their rights to vote and whatever, let’s not give them reason to start wearing more clothes too. Otherwise we’re just going to be a less fun (read: no public stonings) version of the Middle East.
Because I like smart girls, check out this clip of the intelligent and beautiful Kymberly (when you have two Ys in your first name, you’re guaranteed to churn out pure genius) talking about the situation.
Aug.04.2008 The August 4 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy with dog vomit
Today’s reason why you should never trust a dog in the video above. Ever since a collie stole my identity, this became my life’s mission.
-Redneck stabbed over cheap beer
-Hookers may be the only thing to keep the US from Olympic Gold
-Sophie Monk went to buy a Ferrari, brought boobs with her
-Women wrestlers are tough, capable of caning many people (w/ video)
LINK OF THE DAY: Arizona State has an undie run that may very well top all others
-Heath Ledger offers something a little different in this version of The Dark Knight
-Audrina Patridge and Nereida Gallardo both love to frolick on the beach
-Canada has new female stomach-inspired holiday
-Becky Hammon is the hottest woman in the WNBA but also a traitor to our fair America
-Patrycja Mikula: Hard to spell, easy to find unbelievably sexy
-Cougars are loose on major college campuses
-Remember Tara Conner, the disgraced former Miss USA? She has a tell-all book full of saucy details
-Christina Applegate’s breasts are now full of cancer but her island remains full of whore
Jun.12.2008 The June 12 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy with three days worth of backup
–What happens when regular photos are blurred to look obscene? Awesomeness. And many allusions to genitals. [Yougotblurred]
–UCLA has coeds running in their underwear and the cameras there are plentiful. [Uncoached]
–Drunken baseball fans like to dance (w/ video). [Busted Coverage]
–This is how you build a redneck mansion. [Gibbs12]
–The Red Sox’ Clay Bucholz likes to pose shirtless with other gentlemen. Kissing not pictured. [Don Chavez]
–Sparring with Gina Carano is sexier than getting beat up should ever be (w/ video). [On 205th]
May.29.2008 The May 29 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy with a baby Sox fan
–The Red Sox and Jesus Christ: Two great tastes that go great together for your child’s baptism. [Brahsome]
–Here are some Entourage cameos that the world needs. [NextRound.net]
–Arizona State cheerleaders like slutty costumes. [Don Chavez]
–Avril Lavigne: Hot or not? I vote hot, though the main reason I’d bone her is because I imagine she’d be so indignant about it. [On205th]
–Erin Andrews will not be nude in Playboy, says her dad. Unless they finally buy my stick figure interpretations of her. One day Playboy. One day. [Busted Coverage]
May.14.2008 10 year-olds in college should probably die
I’m not a fan of rooting for the success of people who aren’t me. So you can imagine how annoyed I am seeing a story about a 10 year-old who’s in college.
With the end of another school year approaching, college sophomore Moshe Kai Cavalin is cramming for final exams in classes such as advanced mathematics, foreign languages and music.
But Cavalin is only 10 years old. And at 4-foot-7, his shoes don’t quite touch the floor as he puts down a schoolbook and swivels around in his chair to greet a visitor.
“I’m studying statistics,” says the alternately precocious and shy Cavalin, his textbook lying open on the living room desk of his parents’ apartment in this quiet suburb east of Los Angeles.
Within a year, if he keeps up his grades and completes the rest of his requirements, he hopes to transfer from his two-year program at East Los Angeles College to a prestigious four-year school and study astrophysics.
It’s not AS impressive when you consider the fact that other prepubescents have gone to REAL college right away. In fact, I’d say this kid is probably lagging. GOOD. And I’m glad he broke his lil wrist too.
All jokes aside, if this little guy were in one of my classes in college, I’d rape him. Nothing gay. Just to show him that, hey, I’m the man here. You’re infringing. And he’d be all like, “Why are you raping me!” and I’d be like, “Maybe you should have been a little less smart. Or slightly more smart to have gone to a more prestigious university. Either one of the two.” And he’d go like, “Awww” and then I’d do it and break his other wrist because kids suck and should be confined to places I’m not at or my dungeon.
Apr.28.2008 The April 28 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy with a Kardashian fight
–KARDASHIAN FIIIIIGHT!!! (w/ video) [Best Celeb Gossip]
–The top 10 greatest celebrity-inspired pinball tables. [On205th]
–Eli Manning has a fancy lil wedding. [Loser with Socks]
–5 questions with the University of Florida’s attractive female of the moment Lauren Stevens. [Busted Coverage]
–You may have issues when you’re driving a stolen ambulance with a deer in the back. [Tasty Booze]
