Sep.29.2008 Kiefer Sutherland is retarded

Or he’s good at promoting movies. Or both. Either way, he’s claiming to be petrified of mirrors.

Hollywood tough guy Kiefer Sutherland has banned mirrors from his home - because he’s scared of them.

The 24 star admits he has a fear of the looking glass and avoids being around them.

He says, “Come over to my house. You won’t find a mirror anywhere.

“I don’t like mirrors. They are frightening.”

Ironically, in latest movie Mirrors, Sutherland plays a department store security guard who starts seeing horrifying images in the shop’s mirrors.

I think Kiefer might be confusing the fact that he once played a vampire in The Lost Boys with real life. And even then, vampires aren’t scared of mirrors, they just look in them and go, “How am I supposed to fix my hair now? This is inconvenient.” This is why you never see a vampire with a bouffant.

If he’s not just being a douche promoting his new movie that isn’t scary at all (”OMG MIRRORS! I MIGHT SEE REFRACTED LIGHT! GAHHHH”), it’s kind of disheartening to know that he’s such a wuss. He plays Jack Bauer, the baddest man alive, who bites out people’s throats and leaps off of walls and hangs terrorist from complicated pulley systems…meanwhile Kiefer Sutherland is going back to his trailer and just emitting a constant stream of shrieks, tears, and urine-soaked pants. It’s like my childhood all over again.

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Jun.12.2008 Time Magazine takes funny photos

Some photographer from Time followed Democratic nominee Barack Obama on his primary victory night and I just saw the photos attached to some article today. One in particular stood out as odd.

That white chick is really looking longingly at Obama. I’m thinking the term “Mandingo” may be slung around a bit. Also, the guy on the left looks like he’s really glad that Obama has loose background checks. Or a lack of opposition to hiring pedophiles.

Also, the photo looks like an all-ugly cast photo from 24. See?

I guess there’s worse things to do than liken Obama to Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer would get shit done. And torture the economy back to life. God I miss him so much. Come back Jack Bauer. I can’t live without you, can’t breathe without you.

Mar.06.2008 Jack Bauer will be back when we need him the most

Awesome news, friends. Just when it looked like we would not be seeing any 24 this calendar year, Fox pulled the ol’ whoopsidoodle and metaphorically inserted itself into our rectum with the surprise of the TV season! I’m bad at analogies :(

The producers of the Emmy-winning series are developing a two-hour “prequel” to the upcoming seventh season.

The movie, designed to bridge the two-year gap between Seasons 6 and 7, is targeted to air in the fall, leading to the January return of the real-time drama. On Wednesday, “24″ producers began securing the show’s core cast members for the film.

“24″ was one of the biggest casualties of the writers strike. Three days into the work stoppage, Fox decided against airing a partial season of the serialized drama with the eight episodes produced before and during the first weeks of the strike.

Each season of “24″ is a closed arc that takes place in real time over a 24-hour period. The upcoming seventh season is set in Washington and features the first female U.S. president, played by Cherry Jones.

I’m really excited by the prospect of this. Not only because I enjoy shows that feature graphic fictional murder, but because I enjoy shows that feature graphic fictional murder for AMERICA. Because that totally makes it okay.

Plus we really need to support Kiefer Sutherland. He did TIME man. In PRISON. And he ATE SHITTY SANDWICHES. If we don’t support him, he’ll be a lifelong criminal. Just like the kids on The Wire. Only with like millions of dollars and no real reason to be in jail at all. And dammit, the millionaires are the ones who are forgotten by society. Left behind, really. Forced to fend for themselves. They need someone to care for them. And I will be that person!

Millionaires, love me!