May.29.2009 So which of these is she fucking first
I don’t really know how to introduce this photo so just look at it and really let it soak in.
Now sure, you may be thinking, “This is entirely out of context.” But when you’re holding a fat, midget-sized squash and your dog and there’s a palpable sense of fear on both their faces, something’s not right. I love animals and take an embarrassingly large number of adorable photos of my pets…I get that. But a huge squash with a dog? I’m not sure that conveys the image you want people to perceive of you. You might as well be holding up a Grey’s Anatomy DVD and a Lean Cuisine dinner so everyone can really get a sense of what your lonely nights are all about.
In related news, I really hope she can’t fuck that squash. Not that I think we shouldn’t be objectifying squash or anything because every squash is a dirty whore just waiting to be ravaged, but because could you imagine the type of vagina that would fit that? It’d have to look like a cartoon tunnel painted onto a wall.
[via]
May.28.2009 Prison guard gets knocked up by inmate, arrested for rape
I’m not sure where I stand on this one. A prison guard, Reyna Lujan (pictured here for you to determine if you’d fuck her or not) had sex with an inmate at the jail where she worked. She got knocked up. And, as a result of the proof of sex, she’s now being accused of rape.
A former jail guard could be charged with rape after deputies say she became pregnant by an inmate while she was working at MDC.
Bernalillo County investigators think the inmate impregnated the guard, Reyna Lujan, in his own cell while the guard was on duty.
Lujan, who denies the charges, quit the jail after her bosses started investigating her.
A tip from inmates spurred the investigation. Now investigators have hundreds of phone calls between the two.“The sheriff’s office is recommending that she be charged with criminal sexual penetration in this case,” said DA spokesman Pat Davis. “It’s a second degree felony because it involves a person of authority — in this case, a correctional officer.”
Lujan could be hit with a rape charge for each time she had sex with the inmate, Eric Brayman, even if she didn’t force the inmate.
“Although we can’t speculate whether it was consensual or not, the law doesn’t make an exception for that,” Davis said.
Now on the one hand, she kind of has a nose like a real life version of Lois Griffin. On the other hand, it’s pretty fucking hot that this dirty whore needed her scuzzy inmate cock so bad and didn’t even think, “Hmm, maybe I shouldn’t let this maximum security prisoner squirt his bound-to-fail-human juice inside my vag. Oh wells!” It’s kind of fucked up that they’re charging her with rape though since, meanwhile, a couple doors down some poor guy was probably getting raped hard and they’d just laugh at him if he goes, “Excuse me guards, I’m being sexually assaulted.” It’s like grade school all over again.
No shit that the other inmates ratted them out though. Gee, you think they’re happy that Paco McStabbins got to fuck some guard while they get to eat stale bread, watch Judge Judy, and have to coerce some thin guy into a wig so throwing backshots to him feels slightly less like fucking Carson Kressley? Stunner.
[via]
May.28.2009 Quote of the Day
Literal humor always amuses me, but this might be a bit inappropriate. Take a look at one person’s response to someone saying “bite me.” Spoiler alert: Bitings occurred.
An instructor at the Connecticut Police Academy has been charged with disorderly conduct after he allegedly responded literally to a co-worker’s “bite me” remark. Francis Woodruff, a former Waterbury police captain, was arraigned Tuesday and released on a promise to appear in court.
He was accused of biting the arm of 42-year-old Rochelle Wyler, a license and applications analyst at the academy, on April 24.
According to the arrest report, she was left with teeth marks and bruising on her left triceps.Wyler filed a complaint April 28, alleging the 51-year-old Woodruff was agitating her by calling her a clerk. She said she responded with “bite me” — and he did.
[via]
May.28.2009 Burger King is so healthy
I ate a Whopper from Burger King yesterday for the first time in a while. It was definitely delicious. Up until the part in which I felt like my stomach was full of sludge the rest of the day. And the cold sweats. And the syphilis, which may or may not be unrelated. Anyway, they’re getting healthier for your kids!
Burger King, the Florida-based fast-food giant, has added three Kids Meals designed to be lower in fat, sodium and calories.
The meals are part of its Positive Steps program and brings the number of choices to four, the South Florida Sun-Sentinel reported Wednesday.Meals in the program must have no more than 560 total calories, with no more than 30 percent of those calories from fat and 10 percent from added sugars. The amount of sodium must be below 600 milligrams.
The new meals include two bite-sized hamburgers with fried apple slices, low-calorie dipping sauce and calcium-fortified apple juice.
Whew, thank God they got so healthy. Kids, you’re going to be okay. Now, instead of those terrible french fried potatoes, you’ll merely be eating a deep fried apple. So much better for you! Gee Burger King, what other life saving initiatives are you going to undertake? Maybe a needle exchange program for addicts in impoverished needles in which you give your needle to Burger King and they give you back one that they just imported from a waste bin in a hospital in Kenya? No, don’t worry, it’s cool, they totally blew on it before putting it into your vein.
[via]
May.28.2009 The May 28 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy with lions
French woman attacks lion. Or maybe the inverse. I forget how the laws of the jungle work.
funnyinteresting
-Finally, a TV show I can relate to
-7 things you say when assembling something from Ikea
-Signs you’re at a white-trashtastic wedding
-Another reason to convince your lady to take your load in her face
-6 things that absolutely suck at the movie theater
-What an inappropriate sponsorship (funny pic)
-I like this site…a Drudge Report for men with news and cool shit
-I think this might be the worst thing a girlfriend has EVER DONE
-Welp, no reason to visit Illinois any more
-The to-do list for Conan O’Brien’s first show
-What exactly is going on here? (WTF pic)
-Twenty bizarre Star Wars ads
-The world’s UGLIEST toes. Yum.
-The 5 most bizarre Ninja Turtle ripoffs of the 90s
-10 legendary hangover cures
girls
-Okay, we need a definitive answer: Lady Gaga…hit it or NO?
-Becca is a saucy college coed in a bikini
-Behind the scenes of an Elisha Cuthbert photoshoot is very sexy
-Brooke Hogan’s CD cover may be taking some creative liberties
-Ashley Greene got famous from Twilight but I’d let her…uh…suck on my fang?
-Tori Spelling has massive boobs in this bikini. But are they good or no?
-Jessica Biel in spandex
-Jeska Vardinski is a punk rock chick with a hot ass in booty shorts
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May.28.2009 Photos show rape and torture of Iraqi prisoners
Reportedly, a major part of the report which President Barack Obama is attempting to avoid releasing to the public includes graphic photos of Iraqi prisoners being tortured, raped, and sexually abused. For more sexiness, read on.
The images are among photographs included in a 2004 report into prisoner abuse at Abu Ghraib prison conducted by U.S. Major General Antonio Taguba.
Taguba included allegations of rape and sexual abuse in his report, and on Wednesday he confirmed to the Daily Telegraph that images supporting those allegations were also in the file.
“These pictures show torture, abuse, rape and every indecency,” Taguba, who retired in January 2007, was quoted as saying in the paper.
He said he supported Obama’s decision not to release them, even though Obama had previously pledged to disclose all images relating to abuses at Abu Ghraib and other U.S.-run prisons in Iraq.
“I am not sure what purpose their release would serve other than a legal one,” Taguba said. “The sequence would be to imperil our troops, the only protectors of our foreign policy, when we most need them, and British troops who are trying to build security in Afghanistan.
“The mere depiction of these pictures is horrendous enough, take my word for it.”
Just terrible stuff. I could get wanting to torture people for information, even though most of you people don’t agree with me. But rape? That’s just unnecessary. And gay. Unless it were a female soldier. Then that’d be kind of hot. But the real question is…is she doing it for our country? Or doing it for herself?
Fortunately, my crack reporting skills were able to get this photo of the torture of Iraqi prisoners EXCLUSIVE to this site. Now I should warn you that the image below is graphic and is not recommended for minors.
Well, hrm, that doesn’t look so bad. The candles imply a degree of sensuality that the liberal, anti-prison-rape media won’t report on. Well then. Carry on, soldiers.
[story via, genuine artistry by me]
May.28.2009 Shetland Pony
Via Hark! A Vagrant comes this comic about the adventures of a Shetland pony with a whole lot of responsibilities.
Why is it that every little girl wants to own a pony. I mean they’re cute and all, and I get that every woman thinks she’s a princess even when she’s best fitted for a job siphoning fluids from a septic tank, but ponies just don’t seem practical. You ride it around once or twice, brush its hair, whatever, fine. But did you know that horses have a flap of skin over their penis called a sheath that you have to regularly clean out because debris and goo accumulate in it? You might as well bring Dom DeLuise into your home for the same experience*.
*Yes, I’m aware he’s dead. But until a younger fat man fits this description as well, I’m keeping it. Fuck you.
