Jun.29.2009 Going.com has a classy Michael Jackson tribute
I once did a pub crawl with Going.com which, of course, means that I have to get their emails in perpetuity for the rest of my life. Now don’t get me wrong, I could care less, but this marketing email (pictured below) that I got about a “Tribute to Michael Jackson: King of Pop Pub Crawl” struck me as a bit tacky.
I personally think it’s pretty scummy to marry yourself to some sort of tragedy to make money, but hey, whatever works. I don’t think that “moonwalking down 2nd Avenue” is going to cut it though. If you’re going to do a Michael Jackson “tribute,” do it all the way. Let’s get a Brooke Shields look alike to walk out of a bar with me, then try to kiss me as a I go, “Oh, look at the time! Gotta go!” then vomit in a garbage pail for an hour. Then let me flamboyantly smash the shit out of a car like it was my abusive stage father. Then we can cruise by a playground where I make vague but inappropriate gestures towards kids and ultimately pass out in a gutter after getting painkillers injected straight into my bloodstream. Now THAT sounds like good times. So long as I don’t have to throw Clorox on my skin at some point. Not sure I’d pay for that one.
Jun.29.2009 Quote of the Day
This is just an odd story…not a quote, but quite possibly the oddest sentence written in the history of journalism. Video of the incident in question is here.
Police in Warren, Ohio, released video of a woman who was interrogated by officers with a baby squirrel in her shirt.
She was brought into the station to be questioned about a crime.
The detective sat amazed as the woman continued the conversation while tucking the squirrel into her cleavage.
Police let the woman and her animal friend go.
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Jun.29.2009 Basketball is deadly
I used to love basketball but due to now being older and not having melanin, I no longer can play the game with the same amount of zeal. And here’s another reason why that’s a good idea…rims with murderous intent.
It’s like that old “Grant Hill drinks Sprite!” Sprite commercial where the guy tries to dunk but falls backwards, only instead of falling backwards, this guy almost died. Much less charming in real life.
Basketball is typically pretty safe though. If you’re playing by yourself, odds are you won’t injure anything. And if you’re playing with other people, odds are the black guys won’t be able to mug you because there’s no way you can carry weapons and adequately sprint around the court. That’s why they call basketball The Great Equalizer. Other than athletically. Or if it turns into a penis measuring contest. Probably not equal there, at all.
Jun.29.2009 The June 29 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy with drunk girls
This drunk chick fell like Peter in Family Guy
funnyinteresting
-Hardees will not be defeated by Burger King’s sexual innuendos
-What girls don’t want to see you in at the beach
-3D Porn
-What it’s like to be a mail-order bride
-Mugshot of the week
-2009 Dyke Marches…not the lesbians you’ve dreamed of (funny pics)
-42 unfortunately product labels
-The 10 worst infomercials ever
-Virtual girlfriend: Just as good as a real one
girls
-Excellent usage of a string bikini (kinda NSFW)
-College girls dressed like sluts and acting like sluts…probably nice girls
-Raquel Alessi: Busty, flexible
-Fergie is not wearing sexy panties
-I approve of this sorority advertisement (kinda NSFW)
-NBA draftee Wayne Ellington has a girlfriend whose bustiness needs to be seen
-The lesser Kardashian sisters wear bikinis together
-10 female child stars who grew up to be hot…it’s like pedophilia but not!
-Krisztina Sereny, minus one fur coat (NSFW)
Jun.29.2009 Artist gets money to study asses
Art is totally subjective, but receiving a buttload (lolpuns) of money to study the female derrière seems a bit pointless. Sexy, but pointless.
Bonus…check out the classy comments on the source of this photo.
A CHEEKY artist has been given a £20,000 National Lottery grant - to look at girls’ bums.
Sue Williams was given the cash to “explore cultural attitudes towards female buttocks”.
She will create plaster cast moulds of women’s behinds to try to understand their place in contemporary culture.
Swansea-based Mrs Williams, 53, will also examine different racial attitudes towards bums in Europe and Africa. She said: “The project is taking on the issues around the bottom.”
Emma Geliot from the Arts Council of Wales, which awarded the grant, said: “This produces a tee-hee response but there is a serious point.”
Oh there’s a serious point alright…IN MY PANTS. HA! For you see I’m implying that I may have an erection due to the featuring of numerous asses. Jokes are always much funnier when you overexplain them.
I guess there’s probably some validity to studying asses and the sociological implications of them. But I don’t think I’d trust it to some old British lady. If you want an exuberant and thought provoking analysis of the female ass, I’m pretty sure there are countless guys with hidden cameras who’d be more than willing to help you out. They’d probably even pay for it themselves. Then again, they’d quite possibly be too sticky to read. And I don’t think you’d want to lay hands on the plastercast of the asses either. But you should have known what you were getting into when you hired that ass fetish pervert for free then, now shouldn’t you?
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Jun.29.2009 Crying wolf
Via Oglaf.com comes this comic about the perils of crying wolf.
You know what’d be a crazy spin on the old tale of a boy crying wolf? What if a boy ran into a wolf who was crying? And he’d try to console the wolf because he’s just a kid who cares and the wolf is like, “Sorry man, I’m inconsolable.” So the kid keeps trying to make the wolf feel better, telling jokes and whatever, but the wolf is just so profoundly sad. The kid keeps going and it comes to a point which the wolf has had enough, so he just eats the kid. It’s mostly the kid’s fault though, because he wouldn’t shut up and if he didn’t want to get eaten, he shouldn’t be so delicious then, now should he? Since he’s a wolf, this would probably satisfy his hunger and, as a result, make him feel better. Even if a wolf is going to shit you out in 5 hours or so, there’s nothing quite as satisfactory as a job well done.
Jun.29.2009 Dogs have very specific tastes
It’s entirely too early for me to exist today let alone use any effort and this video is trending on YouTube right now despite being quite old so, hey, two great tastes. What happens when a dog has an unhealthy appetite for vaginas? Skip to 1:30 in.
You might think this is bad, but I think it’s a step forward for dogs. They bite penises all the time, plus they’re always shoving phallic objects like sausages in their mouths. That unhealthy obsession with men is either a gay thing or a completely sexist view towards women. Bitches are all about gender equality and respect, so we should view this vagina biting with the same reverence as women view things like Rosie the Riveter or Lilith Fair or that one episode of Sex and the City where Sarah Jessica Parker is all like, “Hey men, I am SO putting you in your place!”
