I know it’s a holiday week and all, but it seems like there’s an alarming lack of news. So here’s a video of a cat playing with boobs. It entertained me for like 20 seconds. Why not.

“I can has tittyzfuck” said a clever captioner at an Internet meme site.

In related news because I’m morally obligated to put some sort of effort into the posts I do here, lest I feel bad about myself and lose your respect, I read a lot of Icanhascheezburger posts the other day. It’s funny if you don’t think about it. Then, if you do and you’re anything like me, you want to fly into a murderous rage about how the people responsible for this site are millionaires and you’re here sharing your cat’s food and using your tears as a masturbatory lubricant. Yeah I’m a bit dramatic, but fuck those dudes.

People in Hollywood are smart. Check out how Dennis Leary thinks that Tatum O’Neal’s work on FX show Rescue Me will make her stay sober.

Tatum O’Neal’s Rescue Me co-star Dennis Leary is convinced the drama series will help the actress stay sober - because her character will also be forced to kick alcoholism.

The star was charged with a minor narcotics offence earlier this month after cops caught her exchanging money with a dealer three blocks from her New York home. She claimed the incident was her first lapse in sobriety after a longterm battle with drug addition. O’Neal subsequently joined a recovery program for alcoholics.

And Leary - who plays O’Neal’s onscreen brother in the show - is convinced that as her character is battling a drinking problem in the upcoming second season, she will be able to put the experience to use in real life. He tells AOL Television, “(Her character, Maggie) got clean at the end of last year and we have this game plan for her that involves staying sober, so it’s probably gonna work in Tatum’s favour. We were in the middle of planning the next bulk of Tatum’s work before (her drug bust), so she’s got a place to come back to.”

Man, Dennis Leary is smart. Because you know what works really well for sobriety? Being on a TV set all day hanging around, then going out and partying with your resulting celebrity. It’s worked so well for countless Hollywood stars!

It’s true though, acting sober on TV will help you get over any problems you have in real life. Just like acting like a superhero in a movie will help you fly! And you know how Ellen Pompeo plays a doctor on TV? Well, hopefully if your kidney ever explodes, she’ll be nearby because she must know how to save your life as a result of her immersion in her role! Being a celebrity has many perks.

So tomatoes have been getting a bum rap for causing salmonella outbreaks across the US. Except that the salmonella continues to spread despite the tomatoes going off the market. Ruh roh, Raggy.

Adding to tomato confusion, the government is about to start testing numerous other types of fresh produce in the hunt for the source of the nation’s record salmonella outbreak — even as it insists tomatoes remain the leading suspect.

Investigators are mum on exactly what other vegetables are getting tracked.

Items commonly served with fresh tomatoes is the only hint Food and Drug Administration food safety chief Dr. David Acheson would give, calling it “irresponsible” to point a finger until he has more evidence that some other food really deserves the extra scrutiny.

The reason is that the outbreak continues, with 869 people now confirmed having taken ill. Most troublesome, at least 179 of them fell ill in June, the latest on June 20. That is more than two months after the first salmonella illnesses appeared, meaning the outbreak is continuing weeks longer than food-poisoning specialists had expected — and suggesting the culprit is still on the market.

I know this might be an unconventional thought, but if you don’t want salmonella, maybe you should stop inserting yourself into Mexican rectums.

And seriously why the fuck do Mexicans have to shit on everything? How about you bastards use a fucking toilet and a sink to wash your hands when you’re picking out veggiefruits? If I may speak to the Mexican gentlemen causing all this (his)panic for a second…”No me gusta, señores.”

The hottest orgy with hatred for black presidential candidates

-City vehicles in Orlando sprayed with anti-Obama sayings (w/ video)

-The treadmill desk is like torture for lazy fatsos

-Alex Rodriguez isn’t only boning ugly, old, muscular Madonna…check out his other 9 celebrity crushes

-Chile has the world’s largest swimming pool and it looks awesome and probably has hot Chilean women in it

-Holly Madison has boobs for days

-Marty McFly has his own Nikes coming out

Yeah there’s no real news hook here but whatever, everything isn’t interesting today and it’s a holiday week. Check out the latest photos from a Lindsay Lohan photoshoot in Brit mag ZOO.

Maybe this is just me, but I enjoy watching women get ready to go out. Putting on make-up, clothes, checking themselves out in a mirror…I find it very sexy. Which is great because women take so long getting ready, amirite 1980s comedian talking about male/female interaction? Haha so many pairs of shoes! Whatever, nobody’s reading this text anyway. There’s a fine ass in booty shorts above me. So I guess this is a good time for me to come out of the clos…wait, what if the image doesn’t work properly? And what if my parents read this? Man, I should stop thinking in text in blog posts.