It’s easy to say that’s the worst speech by a best man ever. But knowing how fucked up the world is, there has to be much worse. Like a best man revealing like a Bond villain, that he’s actually the father of the bride’s unborn child. Or that he actually created the groom in a laboratory in a quest to make the perfect man whose genitalia will fall off the moment he finds himself legally married. Even if it weren’t true, that’d probably be enough to give me pause. Uncomfortable silence is one thing, adjusting my perception of reality in an M. Night Shyamalan poorly-written twist is something entirely different.

On that note, I’m out of here for a couple days. Not to get married, thank God (my girlfriend is clearly not old enough for that. Not emotionally, but legally), but to move to Brooklyn and probably drive myself to near-suicide in the process. I’ll be back next Monday. And while I’m yammering about myself, reminders: Join the Facebook page for my stand-up comedy career (especially if you’re in New York, but even if you’re not, support me you fucks) and check out my side project Maybe You Shouldn’t Buy That, especially if you’re a book publisher with money burning a hole in your pocket. Daddy needs a new pair of needles for intravenous drug use!

It was a simple request: “Don’t defecate on my lawn.” But shortly after making it, the head of homeowner Elias Ramirez of Bridgeport was met by a black plastic milk crate Saturday night, police told the Connecticut Post.

Gabriel Venegas, 34, was apparently the guy who unbuckled his pants and squat on Ramirez’s lawn. When ordered off the property, he apparently became enraged, threw the milk crate and took off.

Police picked him up a short time later. In booking, the Connecticut Post reports he became uncooperative, refusing to give his name and birthday.

[via]

I’m kind of surprised there isn’t more innovation in the field of fireworks though. I mean it’s pretty much been the same fundamental “Shoot colorful shit in the air, probably injure some redneck’s eye” for the same shit for 100 years hasn’t it? There’s been more innovation in the field of talking greeting cards than there have been in fireworks, and that’s sad.

Maybe I’m just too passionate about fireworks. I like fireworks a lot. They’re very loud and colorful, mindless fun. Though oddly, that’s the same reason I hate the Puerto Rican Day Parade. Well that and the rape.

funnyinteresting
-What celebrity vaginas probably taste like
-The coolest man alive (funny pic)
-Weird shit is going down at the protests of KFC
-This is too funny for me to spoil with an adequate set-up
-15 animals armed with lightsabers
-iPhone apps that guys may actually need
-The funniest worthless Internet ranting you’ll see
-Best sex offender name ever (funny pic)
-Top 10 celebrity death conspiracies
-How to fish like a MAN
-This might be the worst job ever (funny pic)
-A collection of the best nude scenes of all time

girls
-A+ application of sideboob
-Busty amateur blonde girl with a hula hoop is an excellent usage of my time
-Jessiqa Pace is so hot that a billboard of her had to be taken down for distracting racecar drivers
-Former college softball player Jessica Cruz looks better without a softball uniform on
-I would not at all be opposed to a Blake Lively sex tape
-Aria Giovanni is highly fuckable
-The top supermodels of the 90s is a worthwhile look back
-Check out the ass on Tori Black (NSFW)
-Mariah Carey dressing like a man probably shouldn’t give you an erection, but is noteworthy
-Who knows what Ciara’s done lately, but here’s her nipples

Not the clown in question, but you’d be surprised at how few cross-dressing clowns the Internet yields

The Boulder Police Department is looking for a cross-dressing man wearing clown makeup who robbed a liquor store on Saturday night.

Boulder police spokeswoman Sarah Huntley said officers received a call from the Boulder Beer Emporium, on the 4700 block of Table Mesa Drive, just before midnight. The caller said that the store was robbed.

The witnesses described the robber as a man wearing red and white face makeup, a red and purple wig, a fake nose and a denim dress. Employees told police they didn’t think anything was peculiar when he walked into the store because of the Pridefest events happening over the weekend in Denver, Huntley said.

The clerk said the man walked up to an employee in the store and asked for help in a feminine voice, saying, “Will you help me? My husband is out of work.”

After being rebuked by the employee, the man walked to the checkout stand and showed the clerk a pistol.

The man did not take any beer or liquor and left with an undisclosed amount of money, Huntley said. The robber fled on foot just as two other customers were walking into the store, Huntley said.

You know whom I’m really concerned for? The gay cross-dressing clowns who don’t rob liquor stores. They’re just trying to live a normal life filled with clown make-up, shopping at Lane Bryant, and sodomy. They don’t need this social stigma hanging over their head.

This really should be taken as a wake-up call for Gay Pride parades across the country though. A cross-dressing clown came into a liquor store during a Gay Pride Parade and the store owner didn’t find this unusual. If that’s not a sign that you need to tone it down a bit, I don’t know what is.

[via, image via]

Monsters are pretty scary though. Every time I used to stay over at one particular friend’s house when I was little, there was a monster that would come out in the middle of the night and make my butt hurt. It was doubly bad because the monster would do this after my friend would sodomize me. That’s what we call a switch joke, friends. A switch joke that brings back to life too many repressed memories. :(

Pretty stirring stuff. Sure, you can question how effective these lines would be coming out of your mouth, but hey, it got Ted Danson into the much coveted pantaloons of Whoopi Goldberg so they can’t be all bad. Talk about one sexy little tigress. MeOW.

I’ll tip you off to one of my favorite lines. It’s a line of function and form, designed to bring the ladies to their knees. They’re looking at you with a real hunger in their eyes, desperately in need of their fix. So you go, “Hey baby…I got what you need.” So she comes home with you and then she seems like she’s waiting for something. She reaches for your jeans pocket and you tell her, “No no no. You get the antidote after.” That’s when the lovin’ begins.

[via]