Eddie Walker, the principal of Irmo High School in Columbia, S.C., announced his intention to step down to faculty and students on Wednesday, saying he’ll end his tenure following the 2008-09 school year. The decision, outlined in a letter to Lexington-Richland School District 5 officials, said the reason was the formation of a Gay-Straight Alliance Club for students.

“Allowing the formation of this club on our campus conflicts with my professional beliefs and religious convictions,” Walker wrote in the letter, obtained by FOX affiliate WACH-TV.

“I feel the formation of a Gay/Straight Alliance Club at Irmo High school implies that students joining the club will have chosen to or will choose to engage in sexual activity with members of the same sex, opposite sex, or members of both sexes,” he wrote.

In his letter, Walker wrote he prayed about the issue before stepping down and asked board members to “respect my choice as I respect your choice to disagree with me on this issue.”

You know, the dude is being pretty reasonable about the whole thing. It’s not like he walked into the club meeting and yelled “Faggots!” while beating the little nancy boys with their hard plastic dildos. There’s something to be said for a biased Southern guy to be carrying himself with a degree of decorum.

With that said, I found the Gay and Lesbian Alliance or whatever the ‘mo club was at my high school to be utterly obnoxious. I remember one time we had an assembly they through and one of the gay guys talking there had a last name of “Elasser”. It’s like…come on! YOU’RE JUST BEGGING FOR ME TO MAKE JOKES ABOUT YOU. THEN ANGRILY KISS YOU IN THE LOCKER ROOM AS I’M UNABLE TO COME TO GRIPS WITH WHO I REALLY AM. BUT THEN YOU OUT ME TO ALL MY JOCK FRIENDS BECAUSE I WAS BASHING YOU PUBLICLY BUT SLEEPING WITH YOU IN PRIVATE. DAMN YOU GAYS! Uh. Hi.

That pic game up for “gay high school”. So here we are.

Smooches,
Chris
Your Paragon of Virtue

Smooches,
Chris
Your Paragon of Virtue

I really feel like this has to be fake. The guy on the right getting knocked out appears to have gotten knocked out in a way similar to how a Broadway performer would get “knocked out” in a performance of West Side Story. And like how bad do you have to be at your job for this to happen? I’ve always thought that getting hit and not like collapsing in a pathetic fashion was an important part of professional fighting. It’s like if I start a new job as a pirate and I come into work and not only do I not have a parrot, but also I’m Asian so I can’t say “Arrrrr” all the time because it comes off as “Alll” and everyone I interact with gets confused pretty quickly. It’s like “Whoa buddy, let’s get the fundamentals in place here.”

A Johnstown teenager has been ordered to stand trial after a 7-year-old girl in his care died in what police said was a beating that imitated the “Mortal Kombat” video game.

A Weld County judge ruled Friday there was enough evidence to warrant a trial for Lamar Roberts, 17, accused of child abuse resulting in the Dec. 6 death of Zoe Garcia and child abuse resulting in serious injury. A trial date will be set after a June 20 court hearing.

Zoe died of blunt-force trauma to the head after she was hit, kicked and slammed to the floor as the teens reportedly re-enacted the video game, authorities have alleged. The two were baby-sitting while the sisters’ mother, Dana Trujillo, 30, was at work.

Roberts later told a friend, Janee Cardenas, “he was doing martial arts on her (Zoe) and that his hands were registered weapons,” Halldorson said.

It’s always pretty smart to brag in really lame ways after killing a 7 year-old. It’s unfortunate that this incident happened because I bet that this Lamar Roberts was a real winner. He could have been many great things. Like a test subject for new medicines. Or perhaps the manager of a poorly trafficked Taco Bell. Truly a shame that he will probably be in jail forever.

I do find it odd though to emulate Mortal Kombat of all games. That game came out like 12 years ago, maybe we should update what we’re going to try to do when murdering people. Or at least be more clever when imitating an old game. For example, the next time I kill someone, I’m going to paint them blue, eat a “power pellet” (not sure yet if it’ll be shrooms, meth, or E), and then eat them alive. Then I’ll wash it down with a nice cherry, ideally one the size of my body. Then you can call me the Donkey Kong Killer, because you’re not too good at getting references.

It’s simple to behold — a single mattress, tucked into a dark, curtained back room of the showcase space. On it: a lithe brunette. She’s perfectly quiet, but once you sit or lie down, she responds to your every move. Lie on your back, she snuggles up right next to you in a log position. Curl up in the fetal position, she spoons. The only hitch: She’s 2-D. “Yeah, you can’t feel the girl. That’s the thing,” Burrows explained as he demonstrated his invention, an “infrared sensitive” light projection (meaning it reacts, and the projected woman moves, based on an infrared sensor) called INBED. “Still, it’s so nice if you’re tired and worn out to have someone to curl up with.”

As for satisfying those not-so-innocent late-night desires, this lady adheres to her role as steady girlfriend. Give her kiss on the check and she rolls over and buries her face in the pillow. And yes, she stays fully clothed at all times. Nonetheless, Burrows suggests his new alternative to a full-body pillow or (ugh) blow-up doll could provide late-night comfort for traders, lawyers, or any other single guy in Manhattan who simply works too hard to keep a girlfriend. Speaking of, how long has Burrows been single?

“Long enough to come up with this idea,” he sighed.

Wow, a girlfriend you can’t touch. This is an even better idea than the invisible hamburger my dad used to give me when I was little that ended in me biting my own hand. And by little, I mean like last November. Whatever, I caught on eventually.

But that’s pretty great that you can have this fake chick in your bed giving you all the non-physical benefits of a relationship. Like uh…talking about shoes. Or staring at you with utter contempt and disbelief that she once found you appealing. Yeah, that’s what I need. If I wanted a chick welded to the bed who still thought she was better than me, I’d have kept dating that 800-pound woman. At least then I’d have been able to occasionally find a sandwich while going down on her.

–The Preakness had attractive girls and large hats. Sometimes together! [The Angry T]

–…and an ugly girl who got her nose broken on the infield. [Busted Coverage]

–Dwayne Wade bought his mom a church for Mother’s Day. I bought my mom an altar boy. Point Chris. [Lion in Oil]

–Finally, a video of Scarlett Johansson singing poorly (w/ video). [IDLYITW]

–Most violent soccer situation ever (w/ video). [Brahsome]

I don’t even have anything to add. Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words. Or stained khakis. Yeah I’m a little worried to get up from my desk right now, not gonna lie.

[More photos from Audrina filming Into the Blue 2, including her ass getting rubbed for some reason, at WWTDD]

Good for them. I think it’s great that gay people can get married in California. “They should be able to suffer just like the rest of us,” said 1980s Comedian in Front of a Brick Wall. Haha, oh man. He says what we’re all thinking.

[Clip from Cele|bitchy]

A sixth-grade science teacher at Chastain Middle School could face disciplinary action for forcing a class to list the students most likely to die before 19 and most likely to get pregnant before they graduate from high school.

Teacher Roshondra Sipp on Monday told the students to fill out a paper with questions such as who in the class is most likely to contract AIDS/HIV, go to jail and be poor, Curtis Lyons said. His daughter is in Sipp’s class.

Jackson Public Schools apologized to students and parents Wednesday, saying an “inexperienced teacher” used “poor professional judgment.” JPS did not name the teacher.

Lyons was told by his daughter the class of about 19 students did not want to do the assignment, but Sipp insisted. After the students gave the teacher the answers, she tallied the totals and put them on the wall, Lyons said.

Lyons said his daughter was listed as the fifth most likely to become pregnant in high school.

“That’s when they began to make fun of each other,” he said. “This is just ignorant. It shows that not only is there a need to educate our students, but we need to better educate our teachers.”

Lyons said it was not clear if the assignment was meant to motivate students to do better or if it was meant as a joke. He said the assignment could negatively impact the students’ performance on the Mississippi Curriculum Test, which began Tuesday.

I guess that might make sense if this is some sort of longitudinal psychological study in which you determine if having these children vote for their most likely candidate made the winners any more or less likely to actually complete the tasks. Like a scavenger hunt in which the prize is AIDS or a fetus. But that’s not much of a prize at all. What an awful scavenger hunt. Who organized this? It’s like that time I was bobbing for apples at a Boy Scout retreat and the prize was a blindfold and some sort of meat flavored lollipop. It’s like my mouth was already all sore from bobbing for apples, but then to force my face onto some prize I didn’t really want, I dunno. And there wasn’t even like a Tootsie Roll in the middle. It didn’t even melt away! It just like shot some sort of gooey bleach down my trachea. Waiiiiiiiiiiit…oh…oh nooo. I’m guessing they weren’t really taking my temperature either. Sigh. At least I got to wear short shorts.

My childhood traumas aside, they’re poor black kids in Mississippi. Let’s be real here, they probably celebrated their triumphant showings in the polls with their newborn babies by doing some intravenous drug use. It’s nice to pretend that everyone has a great chance at leading a productive life, but welcome to reality, kids. Perhaps that was the lesson the science teacher wanted to impart most of all. A lesson about tempering expectations.

[Thanks to the lovely Dena for the tip]