Oct.01.2008 Bank robbers finally embrace Web 2.0
File this under The Most Brilliant Crime Ever Perpetrated in Reality…a guy “hired” a bunch of Craigslist people to serve as decoys in his armed robbery. Here’s the story.
In a move that could be right out of a Hollywood movie, a brazen crook apparently used a Craigslist ad to hire a dozen unsuspecting decoys to help him make his getaway following a robbery outside a bank on Tuesday. He then made his escape in an inner tube on the Skykomish River.
The robbery happened about 11 a.m. on an armored truck guard at a Bank of America branch.
“He was wearing a dust mask, a particle mask. At first I thought it might be a surgical mask. I still didn’t think anything was wrong, just unusual. Then I noticed he had a pump sprayer,” said Mitch Ruth, who had looked out his office window and noticed the man walking into the bank.
Related ContentThe robber sprayed the guard with pepper spray, grabbed a bag of money the guard was carrying and ran about 100 yards to the creek that runs into the Skykomish River, shedding clothes as he ran.
But apparently, the robber had planned ahead. In case anyone was hot on his trail, he had at least a dozen unsuspecting decoys waiting nearby, which he recruited on Craigslist.
He said he inquired and was e-mailed back with instructions to meet near the Bank of America in Monroe at 11 a.m. Tuesday. He also was told to wear certain work clothing.
“Yellow vest, safety goggles, a respirator mask… and, if possible, a blue shirt,” he said.
Mike showed up along with about a dozen other men dressed like him, but there was no contractor and no road work to be done. He thought they had been stood up until he heard about the bank robbery and the suspect who wore the same attire.
On the one hand, the guy totally committed a crime. On the other hand, he did it brilliantly and with quite a bit of pizazz. In most circles, this type of clever monetary thievery from the general public would be rewarded…with a $700 million government bailout. Ohhhhhh topical humor! So fresh!
If this were a movie with Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro, whichever one was playing the Craigslist criminal would have gotten away and the other would have made some wry look like, “Maaaan, this guy is gooooood.” Then there’d be another hour and a half of hamming it up and they’d have a one-on-one scene where they play chess and then the Craigslist criminal dies and he’s like, “If I had to be caught, I’m glad it was you. Friend.” Because really, they were like kindred spirits. They just happened to be on divergent paths.
In real life, this guy probably celebrated his crime by revisiting his old Craigslist stomping grounds and got himself an Asian ladyboy for affordable rates. Real life: not so glamorous.
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Sep.30.2008 Robin Meade is stalkable
Some people are way into Robin Meade, apparently. Including this kid, who stalked her so hard that she had to get a restraining order on him. That’s Robin on the right, with alleged “sexy legs”.
A Maine man showed up outside CNN’s Atlanta headquarters earlier this month, claiming anchorwoman Robin Meade used on-air body language to tell him to travel to Atlanta, according to a police report.
Atlanta police have not arrested Gregory Fitzgerald, 32, of Lewiston, Me., but advised Meade to seek a restraining order against him, the police report said.
Apparently, CNN or Meade followed through. Fitzgerald was served with a restraining order before he returned to Maine, said his stepfather, Paul Stufflebeam of Lewiston.
“He’s a good kid,” Stufflebeam said. “He’s never hurt anybody. He doesn’t have an aggressive bone in his body.”
Fitzgerald told Stufflebeam that he was flying to Atlanta to spend time with a woman he met on the Internet and had been chatting with her for a couple years, Stufflebeam said.
I can think of one aggressive bone. It rhymes with “penis”.
I like the way this kid thinks though. Everybody’s stalking sexy Hollywood starlets, maybe you can go for a more achievable stalking of a hostess of a second rate show on a second rate cable news network (Headline News…come on, that’s hardly CNN). That’s why my courtship of Robert Gray is working out so well.
Sep.29.2008 Fat lady survives flesh-eating bacteria due to immense fatness
There are literally ones and ones of times in life where you can thank the skies for your obesity…when you’re so fat that a flesh-eating bacteria gives up on eating you is one of them.
Clair Robinson, 23, is lucky to be alive after contracting the killer bacteria following surgery at a regional hospital.
The shop assistant thought she had a fever and stomach ache until she was told the life-threatening condition was eating through her stomach muscles and body tissue.
“Being big saved my life,” she said.
“If I had have been smaller it would have eaten my organs and my insides. My kidneys and liver would have been eaten if I hadn’t have been big.
“Maybe fat people do have a good life after all.”
Yeah, maybe they do. It’s totally worth decades of wheezing around, finding it difficult to get up, having people regularly ask you about your performance in the movie Ghostbusters, and probably dying of a heart attack on the one in 400 billion chance that a flesh-eating bacteria finds its way to your delicious flesh. Well put, Woman-shaped-like-the-boulder-from-Indiana-Jones.
It’s kind of fun to imagine a bacteria just chomping away. I bet at first it was all like, “YAYYYY ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT” then it kept chomping and chomping and it’s like, “What the fuck, why am I not tasting organs?” And then it chomps and chomps and just feels bad about itself and what it’s doing in the world and, ultimately, dies of loneliness in the sweaty, musty folds of this sloppy mess. It’s tragic in a way.
Sep.26.2008 Pakistan loves America now thanks to Sarah Palin
Republican VP candidate and all-around swell gal Sarah Palin is considered hot by a lot of people out there (I’m still not sold though I’d certainly throw a motorboat to Bristol Palin and her huge boobs, um, once she’s 18. And when she drops the fetus.)…well add Pakistan President Asif Ali Zardari to the list of admirers.
Yes, that is a President of a foreign nation calling that polluted-wombed nothing of a candidate-for-public-office “gorgeous”. And you know, it kind of sucks for her that in an important meeting with a leader of a country who could be a significant part of our future, he’s basically just like “HEY JUGGS, PLEASURE TO MEET YOU. AND PERHAPS…MEAT YOU. HEHEHEHE.”
Whatever, fuck her. Who hasn’t been hit on by a Pakistani man at some point in life? The nice thing is that they make you feel really good about yourself. And then, if you feel like giving a handjob that day…BOOM! Free cab ride!
Sep.25.2008 David Letterman went after John McCain HARD
Amidst news that John McCain was suspending his campaign, he was scheduled to appear on David Letterman’s late night talk show. After he pulled out, citing a need to immediately fly to Washington to get to work, Letterman understood..ish. Until he heard from staffers that McCain wasn’t actually on a plane, but rather speaking to Katie Couric. Aaand that’s when he really went on the attack.
Here’s a snippet rundown, via Defamer:
:01 - 3:27: Letterman takes fairly tame shots at McCain mixed with genuine praise for the man’s heroism.
3:27 - 6:34: Dave starts getting testy!
6:35 - 9:11: Fill-in guest Keith Olbermann (haha, amazing choice) is interrupted when Letterman finds out about McCain’s Couric interview, conducted at that very moment down the street. Letterman then plays live footage of McCain getting powdered by a makeup assistant before Couric goes on the air.
Other than the fact that the clip is awesome for showing that Letterman, apparently, still has some teeth, it’s even more hilarious that John McCain has this faux-importance he’s presenting to the country. John McCain is rolling up his sleeves (so long as they don’t go above his shoulders since his arms don’t go that high) and getting to work, folks! Nevermind that there’s nothing really he can do. Nevermind that some of his work helped the Wall Street companies in trouble get to this point. Nevermind that his aides have been taking money to the tune of millions from Freddie Mac…no no. John McCain is getting it done.
I seriously wish my life were so cushy. Granted, I don’t do a lot of “work” in the traditional sense, but it just seems counterintuitive that a man hoping to be a global economic player can already go into hiding without even having won the job. I can’t do that in my job. “Hey Chris, write this up for me, will you?” “I’d love to, but I can’t. I’m suspending my work right now…I need to focus on greater issues.” “Such as?” “Uhhhhh…the economy…sucks…so….I’ll be over here…scratchin’ my balls.”
Hmm. I’ve had worse harebrained schemes.
Sep.23.2008 Hot female twins become porn stars, family is sad - NOW WITH NSFW LINKS
It’s tough out there when you have a couple of attractive young daughters. It’s even tougher when they’re twins. And it’s even tougher than that when you find out they love getting deep-dicked on and off film for money.
The family of identical twins who left Sunderland to become porn stars have spoken of their shock after learning of their secret lifestyle.
But Noor and Zayna Ellemore today told how they have no regrets after appearing on a national television show to discuss their involvement in the adult film industry.
The Thorney Close sisters, also known as Kit and Kat, took centre stage on the Jeremy Kyle Show with their grandma Pat, who says she is disgusted at her granddaughters’ choice of career.
But the former Sandhill View schoolgirls, who can charge up to £500 an hour as escorts for a London-based agency, say the show has brought them closer together.
When questioned by host Jeremy Kyle about her choice of career, Zayna said: “At first we were doing normal glamour stuff, but there’s a fine line between glamour and porn and it’s easy to slip to the other side.”
If you’re interested in such things, you can see the girls as Kit and Kat, “The Blue Two”, at this NSFWish link.
It’s true though, there is a fine line between glamour and pornography. For example, often times on a photoshoot, you’re just there posing and all of a sudden it’s like “Wow, a penis! I should insert this inside of me!” Believe me, I know. I was a hand model for 6 months.
I’d be remiss if I pointed out that I don’t find them THAT hot other than the idea that they’re twins and seem to put out at the drop of a hat. Like seriously, 500 pounds? For both of them? That’s a bargain and a half, I’d think. That seems like a discounted hooking rate, even with the pound’s value being so much higher and them being in good shape but maybe slightly busted. Global whore economics are confusing!
UPDATE: Since there’s a debate on how hot these two are (I think bonus points for being twins but fundamentally, they’re butterfaces) found a couple more shots on Fark: Boobs and butts
Sep.17.2008 Even Google News thinks Sarah Palin is a pig
Just saw this on Digg and found it hilarious…
I think Sarah Palin should be greatful. As you can see from the story next to her, there are many pigs that can’t even afford lipstick. She needs to stand up for her people and not allow this genocide to stand. That’s what heroism is, Sarah Palin. Be like Babe. He was a hero for all of the world.
