Oct.06.2008 Mr. T can teach you how to rap
I just got this sent to me and it easily trumps any other news story out there right now. Are you a poor white guy who wants to learn how to rap? Never fear..Mr. T is here.
I learned a lot in this video. Not just about rapping or about Mr. T, but about myself and the beauty of humanity. Also, gold chains. A lot about gold chains.
Oct.06.2008 The 7 least trustworthy food mascots
A study in the UK released last week said that some beloved food mascots such as Tony the Tiger and Coco the Monkey are contributing to children’s obesity. But they’re not the only mascots who seem capable of misdeeds. For example, take a look at these delinquents below.
Mayor McCheese
Sells: McDonald’s
Most Likely to: Get your child to wonder how delicious their own head must be
You’d expect a political figure in a major economic power like McDonaldland to be above reproach, but you’d be mistaken. Think about it. How does a lifelong criminal like the Hamburglar escape the law time and time again in a land where 90% of the populace is a food item themselves? Do you know the outrage that must be in every issue of the Daily Hamburgian? But for some reason the police force can’t wrangle the most incompetent (yet persistent) criminal of all time. Smells like corruption to me.
Plus how can you trust an adult dressed in a sash? Maybe a beauty pageant contestant. Or a guy dressed like a New Year’s baby. But anybody else…notsomuch.
The M&Ms
Sells: M&Ms
Most Likely to: Be voiced by Jon Lovitz
I kind of feel bad for these two because they have it tough. Not only are people always chasing them around, trying to take a bite out of their skull, but they also depend upon eating miniature versions of themselves for sustenance. For example:
Now if those M&Ms would do that to their own people, imagine what they’d do to you as soon as you turn your back. Have you been roasted like a pig as two talking M&Ms wear Tiki masks and dance around you? Well, probably not because they’re not real, but still. It’d be a pretty cool visual. If not slightly uncomfortable for you. I think you’d be delicious though, if it’s any consolation.
Colonel Sanders
Sells: KFC, Slaves
Most Likely to: Curse the day Lincoln was born; Drink mint juleps
Yes, I know what you’re thinking…if I can’t trust a slave owner-looking dapper dressed Southern man who fills my arteries with sweet fatty fried breading, who can I trust? It’s counterintuitive, yes, but take a look at this quote from a recent story about his much-discussed “secret recipe”:
Vials of the herbs and spices are also stored in the secret filing cabinet.
“The smell is overwhelming when you open it,” said one of two keepers of the recipe in an interview at company headquarters.
Others have tried to replicate the recipe, and occasionally someone claims to have found a copy of Sanders’ creation. The executive said none have come close, adding the actual recipe would include some surprises.
Secret cabinets, overwhelming smells, and something what would “surprise me”. I don’t think I’d be putting a lot of stock in my longterm health if I’m a KFC regular. On the plus side, rat droppings have a shelflife of 50 years, so their presence as a secret ingredient will only be inside of you until approximately the time Miley Cyrus becomes our first female President.
Oct.03.2008 Your Pornographic Update: Palin porn and Space porn
Two stories jumped out at me and, frankly, I don’t cover nearly enough porn here. So here’s two important news items.
The Sarah Palin porn is a go! After a casting notice went up earlier this week on Craigslist, the ho portraying Sarah Palin in new porn Nailin’ Paylin will be Lisa Ann (pictured above, right). Finally, the White House motorboat scene we’ve all been waiting for. When reached for comment, Lisa Ann removed two dark footlong penises from her mouth, clanked them together and said, “Here’s to success!”
Meanwhile, the any-asshole-can-go-into-space company Virgin Galactic declined a million dollar offer to shoot a porn in space.
The private company planning to take wealthy tourists to the edge of the atmosphere starting in late 2009 or early 2010 has refused a million-dollar proposal to film a sex video while the participants are floating gravity free, the company’s president said.
Will Whitehorn, president of Virgin Galactic, said the offer, from an unidentified party, “was $1 million, up front, for a sex-in-space movie. That was money we had to refuse, I’m afraid.”
Whitehorn disclosed the rejected transaction here Sept. 30 during the International Astronautical Congress. He said Virgin Galactic, part of Richard Branson’s Virgin Group, is planning to begin flights of the WhiteKnightTwo aircraft in late 2009 or early 2010 from Sierra County, N.M.
So, if you want to see what jizm looks like without gravity, you’re going to have to just keep throwing cupfulls in the air and hoping they somehow never land.
Oct.03.2008 This is what happens when you own a lynx
Okay, so you own a lynx. Lynxes can be huge and deadly. So what do you want to AVOID doing? Pissing off that lynx. Well, here’s a failure on that front:
Ramsey, the lynx in question, may just be a surly one though. For example, look at this adorable little lynx:
Yeah, that shit is adorable now, but when he’s 6 feet tall with claws like razor blades, it might be slightly less charming.
SO PICK A SIDE, LYNXES! ARE YOU WITH US OR ARE YOU AGAINST US? This “Aww, I’m all adorable” then “I WILL FUCKING EAT YOUR FACE” attitude isn’t going to fly much longer.
Oct.02.2008 The 7 most completely bizarre McDonald’s commercials
After seeing that video yesterday where a man punched a teenage girl in the face at a McDonald’s, I got to thinking…McDonald’s is pretty much as wholesome a slice of Americana as we have. Only, not so much when you take a look at some of these perturbing commercials throughout McDonald’s history.
Ronald McDonald’s TV debut
This is supposed to be the first ever McDonald’s commercial, conveniently coinciding with the first appearance of Ronald McDonald. And, with such a stellar debut, you’d think it would have probably been his last.
There’s just something menacing about him in this. Whether it’s the pedophilic voice (and the way he already “knows the kids”), his food hat (never trust anyone in a hat made of food…I’m looking at you, Chiquita Banana), his serial killer make-up, or his dancing alone to a somewhat perturbing jingle, it really hits all the notes. The total package terrifies me. Imagining him yelling at me to eat the hamburgers off of his “magic regenerating burger tray” makes me want to curl up into the fetal position and pray that he just moves onto a more willing victim. And people today say the Burger King is creepy. You kids don’t know how easy you have it.
Into the heart of McDonaldland…
Some research shows that this is one of the first “McDonaldland” commercials, a campaign which debuted in 1971, and it shows. It’s definitely got a 60s feel to it, with the LSD-inspired hamburgers with eyes and french fry plants (perhaps a precursor to the Fry Kids, only they don’t scream when you eat them) and the Beatles’ Yellow Submarine-sounding theme. But at the same time, check out Ronald’s fro. That bad boy is pure 70s Black clown power Dolemite.
Of course, the idea was basically entirely ripped off from H.R. Pufnstuf, leading to a lawsuit that meant shutting down the McDonaldland usage in TV ads. No way Mayor McCheese was pleased…did you see him in there with the McDonaldland Chief of Police? He was all about business, trying to maintain sanity in this crazy crazy world around him.
The Hamburglar touch
The Hamburglar dreams that he could turn everything into hamburgers, which is working out pretty well for him as he just goes around making everything into hamburgers (but not eating them, which seems kind of counterproductive). Eventually, he decides Grimace would make the greatest hamburger of all, but Ronald puts the kibosh on that one. So the Hamburglar accidentally touches his face and becomes a hamburger himself. Since paradoxes greatly confuse the Hamburglar (”How can I steal the hamburger if I am the hamburger?”), he wakes up horrified.
Here’s one thing I never understood. The Hamburglar loves McDonald’s hamburgers, but doesn’t like paying for them. So he turns to a life of crime, solely consisting of hamburger-related theft. In spite of the fact that Ronald seems to always be cockblocking the Hamburglar’s attempts at living up to his name, he and Grimace opt to hang out with him and a plate full of burgers which, presumably, they bought. Why would you tempt him? Even if he’s genuinely your friend, do you hang out with alcoholics and start spraying hoses filled with vodka up into the air? Ronald has a real sinister side to him.
Also for fun: Imagine that this is the diner scene from Heat.
The Grimace has stolen all of our cups.
Turns out that Grimace wasn’t always a friend. His introduction to the viewing public came when he committed a dastardly deed in the form of stealing all of the cups in McDonaldland. Now maybe I’m just less heroic than Ronald, but when a giant blob monster steals all my cups, I’m inclined to let him go. But the discourse between Ronald and the kids went more like this:
“But how will we drink our delicious triple-thick shakes, Ronald?”
“We’re going to have to get the Grimace.”
“Um…he’s an 8 foot-tall monster. We could just drink it straight from the machine, clown. Or even buy new cups.”
“…what did I just say.”
“*in unison* Sorry Ronald.”
Of course Grimace is basically retarded because he is, in fact, a brainless pile of goop, so he falls for some hare-brained lie about a contest and Ronald gets all the cups and shakes are had by all. How Ronald and Grimace became friends after Ronald’s deceit escapes me. How could you ever trust him again?
To McDonald’s credit, they really crammed a lot of plot in there. It was more well-thought out than Two and a Half Men, at least.
Oct.02.2008 Yahoo Answers tackles the Jonas Brothers
Yahoo Answers is really the heartbeat of America, asking all the hard-hitting questions you’ve been dying to know but afraid to ask. For example:
Just remember, if you have a 10 inch “thingee”, make sure to cover it in sugar before inserting it into Nick Jonas. I hear he loves that.
Oct.01.2008 Man punches teenage girl in face at McDonald’s
Oh boy is this a doozy. Check out the video from this story.
Note: This video was Youtubed by me, via KNBC.
Police are asking for the public’s help to find the man who repeatedly punched a 16-year-old girl in the face at a McDonald’s restaurant in South Los Angeles.
The victim was attacked while in line at the McDonalds at 7123 Crenshaw Boulevard at about 10:15 a.m. on Sept. 14, 2008.
Police say the suspect and the teen got into an argument about who was first in line, and he struck her repeatedly in the face.
In related news: lol. I’m pretty shocked though that this kind of thing would happen in a South Central McDonald’s. Or any McDonald’s, for that matter. We should be brought together by our desire to clog our arteries with overly processed meat while being stared down by a clown and his amorphous blob friend Grimace, not torn apart. If only we heeded the message in Mayor McCheese’s “I Have a Dream” speech.
