I remember growing up I would see girls in bikinis in the local deli preening for some beer product. They were just talentless chicks looking for a gig. Well, seems fitting for Jessica Simpson then doesn’t it?

Singer, actress and North Texas native Jessica Simpson will soon be marketing beer, according to an announcement expected today from a local brewing company.

Jessica Simpson has signed on as spokeswoman for Stampede Light Plus, made by Dallas’ Stampede Brewing Co.

Ms. Simpson will serve as a spokeswoman and appear in ads in stores for Stampede Light Plus, which is made by Dallas’ Stampede Brewing Co.

But she won’t be just another pretty face: Ms. Simpson is taking a 15 percent stake in the brewer. Terms of the transaction were not disclosed.

“She’s the face of the brand now,” said Lawrence Schwartz, Stampede’s president and chief executive, who says sales have more than doubled in the past year.

Wow! Stampede AND Stampede Light! That’s a pretty big coup for her career! I guess Natty Light wasn’t looking for a celebrity endorser? A little too high brow for Jessica, I guess.

Seriously is she hard up for cash? Because no joke, I will pay her for sex. Like I don’t expect her to jump at the offer, but think about it. I have a lot of green M&Ms just sitting around with nowhere to go. Just saying. Think about it.

The hottest orgy with fists of fury

-Kristen Bell in a bikini is susceptible to mind control
-More on the unstoppable hotness that is Marzia Prince
-Check out Britney Spears’ voice without studio production (w/ video)
-The Philadelphia Phillies…where gay meets gay jokes

-Emmanuelle Chriqui looks hot in a bikini
-Silvina Luna excels in topless thong photoshoots
-An easy way to sex up soccer: Girls in mud
-College presidents looking to lower the drinking age

-Jenn Sterger is no Fabiola Romero, don’t be mistaken
-Need a chin dildo? Look no further
-How to make the worst music video ever
-WVU girls leave something to be desired

From the set of Transformers 2…I’ve wanted to be all over various parts of Megan Fox before but never have I so badly wanted to be a pair of hands.

If I were a woman who looked like her, that’d be all I’d do. I could probably break into stores, kidnap an emu, fondle Barack Obama…really the world is your oyster when you have that kind of power in your breast tissue. Yet another reason to tuck away my genitals, strap on high heels, and cry…dreaming of what could have been. Sniff.

The hottest orgy with mac and cheese

-Attack of the Show’s Olivia Munn got her boobs massaged (video)
-The many benefits of having Kyle Orton as your starting QB
-Even more Olympic beach volleyball photos of girl’s butts
-A floating beer cooler will make your impending drunken drowning much more convenient

-Kelly Brook makes a bikini proud
-Maria Korinthou is the International Babe of the Day
-Christine likes cars, showing off cleavage
-Andie Valentino is in lingerie

-Christina Applegate fought that cancer off quickly
-Yeah, Bangkok Dangerous is going to suck
-Hayden Panettiere looks good in some magazine
-Disney meets Sin CityD

I’m not going to act like I’m an expert on manual car washing, but these “leaked ‘paparazzi’ photos” of Lisa Rinna just perplexed me.

I get washing your car, I get using a hose and leaning around. I even get wearing a bikini while doing it. But seriously, a gold bikini with aroused nips? It’s like you’re not even trying to pretend that your privacy is being invaded. When I want to pretend like I wasn’t expecting someone to be watching, I always go like, “Oh wow! I didn’t expect to see you! This is a violation of my privacy” and such. It really throws people off your track. Because even if they don’t believe what you’re saying, the fact that you’d act disgusted makes them more than willing to pretend that you AAAALWAYS walk around with your bathrobe undone stroking your genitals and offering to give women “free mustache rides.” Let me live my life, PAPARAZZO.

[Even more here]