Dec.30.2008 A NERF chaingun and a helpful chart on what to say during sex

This is your last update of 2008 so I should make it a good one. Only I’m not because there’s fucking nothing extremely funny on the Internet right now (see what happens when I take a semi-vacation?) and I’m a lazy lazy man when I don’t “have” to do work. So here’s the best things I could find.

Nerds mod NERF gun to make it superpowered

I have no technical abilities whatsoever when it comes to building things or fixing things (once I tried changing the battery on my remote and it caught on fire and called me racial epithets) so I’m easily impressed by stuff like this. Some dudes modified a NERF chain gun and made it into a monster that shoots 500 rounds per minute. Take a look.

This is really helpful if you not only want to be a pedophile and lure kids in with awesome toys, but then also torture them with said awesome toys. It’s really got a dual functionality that can’t be beat there.

In related news, at approximately 5 times in my adult life, I’ve bought a NERF gun on a whim at a toy store. Then I brought it home and shot it at friends for approximately 10 minutes and got bored and never touched it again. This has to be at least 10% of NERF’s sales, right?

Sexy times

It’s New Year’s tomorrow and since there’s a decent chance that a good majority of you may end up in the company of another individual in a sexy way, you may want to heed the wisdom of this chart.

I highly recommend the “I pooped on myself” usage. It not only breaks the ice, but also proves that you’re very comfortable around your partner, which shows trust. Chicks dig trust. Granted, the ends may not justify the means, but eh. Everyone loves shit. Monkeys…uh…fetishists…all the important power players, really.

-ADVERTISEMENT-

Dec.29.2008 Fraudulent psychics and phone companies screwing you on text messages

So I hope Jesus’s birthday was wonderful for you all. It was less so for me because, after buying seemingly 700 million gifts, I’m now giving handjobs on the street corner for reasonable rates. Tis the season!

Psychic fails at..psychic..ness

Pro tip: Don’t be specific with your cold reading guesses when you’re a ugly old lady pretending to be a psychic.

This is totally why I failed at being a psychic too. I’d go to do a reading where I’m in touch with the dead and then I’d be like, “I bet your husband’s death was a tragic one…WAS IT MARSHMALLOWS? DID HE DIE IN A VAT OF MARSHMALLOWS? I BET IT WAS MARSHMALLOWS.” Sure, it was a correct guess one out of the first ten thousand times, but it didn’t do much for my psychic street cred.

Phone companies fucking you on text messages

It may be a shocker to learn that major corporations are fucking you everywhere you go. Well, add another confirmation on that fact to the list: It costs you .20 for every text you send. It costs cell providers approximately 0 dollars. And 0 cents.

Telcos are ripping you off. If you are surprised by this, you may also be interested in some prime real estate I have for sale. It’s on the Moon.

But just because we all know that we are being scammed doesn’t make the manner of the sting any less interesting. A piece in the New York Times goes into some detail on the cost of text messages to the cell carriers and concludes that it is close to zero. An SMS doesn’t even take any bandwidth away from the regular channels which carry calls:

That’s why a message is so limited in length: it must not exceed the length of the message used for internal communication between tower and handset to set up a call. The channel uses space whether or not a text message is inserted.

I never thought this would be possible but, with this news, apparently the text photos I send women of my penis are somehow worth less than I had originally valuated them at. The cost-benefit analysis of this really makes me realize that, not only is my business model foolish, but frankly, it’ll never be profitable. But sometimes you have to take a hit financially to get your message out there. Really, it’s the closest thing to charity that I do.

Dec.23.2008 Robots fighting and a nipple hair moustache

Another daily update for you in this lazy holiday season in which I bring you the best dose of worthlessness I can find, ideally within 5 minutes or so.

Robots fighting!

I don’t know what it is about robots fighting exactly that does it for me. Maybe it’s the way they move so inorganically or maybe it’s the way it foretells a dystopic future where robots will destroy us all. Either way, pretty awesome.

I’m shocked that something like this happened in Japan. If you see something about robots doing something, some girl getting raped by tentacles, or a woman getting shat on while wearing a wedding dress, it’s a pretty safe bet that it’s coming from Japan. And while those probably aren’t their three highest selling exports, they’re certainly something to be proud of.

Nipple hair moustache

Sometimes you have no words for the sexy things creepy men do.

Now that is what I call a classy gentleman. Wait, did I say classy gentleman? I meant fucking creep. Either way though, that’s one sexy free moustache ride in the making. I’m kind of jealous though because, even though that’s disgusting, the best moustache I can conjure up looks vaguely like a Mexican day laborer or a wispy pedophile moustache. And it’s hard to stroke a wispy pedophile moustache. Unless you’re a 12 year-old boy, in which case, it’s alarmingly easy. And educational because then you learn, hey, maybe I should have gotten so close to that pedophile. It’s a lesson we all need to learn at some point.

Dec.22.2008 Map-based sodomy, diving failure, and this is what a dog masturbating looks like

So here’s your one post with the best stuff I can find while searching briefly. Hopefully it’ll be enough to get you through the day, but if not, well, you can die. I’m not saying you should, but you can.

Inappropriate Map is inappropriate

This map comes from a hotel, I dunno, somewhere on Earth. And it seems as though the map is, perhaps, conveying a message the designer did not quite intend. Or did, depending upon how much he really likes to trumpet the cause of surprise sodomy.

I haven’t seen a map so enrapturing since I took that that set visit to Dora the Explorer. With Map’s subtle charms and lengthy land mass, I knew it was love at first sight.

Awful diving failure

Polish people doing dumb things? Finally jokes have come to reality!

It’s truly stunning to see complete idiocy in its natural form. It’s like walking in on a lemur eating or bears doing calculus or whatever the fuck bears do on their free time. Utterly majestic.

Dog masturbates for camera’s amusement

Did you know that dogs can masturbate? Well, in this NSFWish (assuming your office doesn’t allow dog masturbation in which case, how does it feel working in Soviet Russia) video, a dog explores the finer points of self-abuse.

I bet that’s a pretty cool party trick the first time. Maybe even the first five times. But if you wake up to your dog blowing a load on your cheek, it probably got much less adorable and much more sexy. I MEAN DISGUSTING.

Also that is quite a nicely endowed Chihuahua. That shit is like as long as his leg. No wonder he’s whipping it out for all to see. He should walk around with a picture frame around it to make sure that everyone is truly soaking it all in. Assuming chihuahuas have pride in such things. It’s about time they move on from their obsessions with burritos and chalupas.

Dec.19.2008 SITE NEWS: Holiday schedule type things and stuff

I’m off from real life work for the next couple weeks so I won’t be tethered to a computer every day updating as often. However, as I did this time last year, I’m planning to ramble on here a bit more longform in that time period (i.e. cramming multiple things in rather than spreading them out on multiple posts) probably once a day, save for the actual holiday days, so check back and see what I’m doing.

I could also re-run some older posts I think are awesome (which you might not have seen) if you guys want. Because I live to entertain you. If that’s something you’d like to see, leave a comment. Otherwise we can pretend this didn’t happen.

Just letting you all know. Happy Christmahanukkwanzaa to all!

Dec.19.2008 Some hot UK chef chick has been parodied

It seems like the rest of the world is opting to take an early vacation like me as there’s seemingky nothing too great and new going on. HOWEVER! There are some heroes out there recutting videos of UK chefs that I’ve never made of and making them hilariously perverse. Meet Nigella Lawson, hot chef of UK show Nigella Bites. And she likes dirty things.

I haven’t been so aroused by someone making a turkey since, well, the last time I saw someone making a turkey. What can I say? All that shoving things in various cavities and drizzling viscous liquids…it does it for me. Who are you to judge?

Dec.19.2008 Quote of the Day

Some crippled guy has been suing everyone whom you can sue for stuff like not being able to wash his hands in a rest room. Well, people aren’t so pleased.

A disabled man who claimed he couldn’t reach the soap or toilet-seat covers in a Garden Grove Del Taco had his case rejected by an Orange County Superior Court jury, a lawyer with the restaurant chain said.

The jury took 18 minutes to deliberate, according to a press release from the law firm representing Del Taco, Call, Jensen & Ferrell. According to the release, the jury was “outraged” at how frivolous the claim was.

Mundy conceded during the trial that he had, in the words of the press release, “filed nearly 200 lawsuits in recent months, earning over $60,000 in settlements in 2008 alone.”

Del Taco lawyers, in the defendant’s trial brief, said the allegations were “meritless and made by a professional plaintiff who intentionally and aggressively seeks out alleged ‘barriers,’ which he never truly encountered.”

[via]

Next Page »