Nov.18.2008 Scarlett Johansson is an attractive woman in Allure

From behind the scenes of her photo shoot for the new issue of Allure…

Seriously, just look at her. Scarlett Johansson is a modern miracle. Though honestly, if I were a woman reading Allure, I’d be like, “Get this fucking bitch out of my face” because there’s no way to compete with her. You’re practically a different species than she is. It’s like if you tried to play basketball against robots on pogo sticks or trying to make someone vomit faster than a picture of Sarah Jessica Parker.

It’s not an exaggeration when I say that I’d eat peanut M&Ms out of Scarlett’s ass. I’d even eat stuff I don’t like out of there, like peas or spoiled salmon or Ryan Reynolds’ cum. Really, whatever’s there, I’d take. This may be more of a reflection of my lack of clean dishes than desire for her, but still, it’s something.