Nov.06.2008 The 10 worst movies to get for your girlfriend this holiday

It’s the holiday season and, if you’re an atypical man, you might be already trying to think of movies that you’ll want to get your girlfriend or wife or mistress for the holidays. In an effort to help, here’s 10 you should avoid at all costs if you want your girl to not think you’re a complete sociopath.

Lolita
1962
Premise: Man moves into a woman’s house solely to bone a woman’s daughter.

Now I know what you’re thinking…a film in which a man completely disregards the overtures of an older woman for the luring appeal of her 14 year-old daughter; why would my significant other not go for that? Well here’s the thing, when you’re a woman, you’re basically like a beat up old Dodge Rambler just waiting for your owner to get sick of all your blown gaskets and leaky fluids. That’s just science. But when you’re a beat up Dodge Rambler being replaced by a Dodge Rambler that’s just 20 years younger, looks fairly similar, and doesn’t have a loose tailpipe, you’re just being a dick.

Probable kicks to groin: 4

The Accused
1988
Premise: Jodie Foster gets raped. Hard. The rapists eventually get jailed though, so that’s cool.

Here’s how you’d try to sell the movie The Accused to your girlfriend if she hadn’t heard of it.

“So what’s this movie about, honey?”
“Well Jodie Foster is kind of a slut. But she’s not a bad person.”
“Um. Ok.”
“Anyway, she gets raped really hard on a pinball machine…”
“Why do you want me to watch this????”
“LET ME FINISH. IT’S A REAL FEEL GOOD MOVIE BECAUSE THE RAPISTS GET CONVICTED IN THE END.”
“I hate you.”
“Fine. But can we still get the pinball machine?”

Probable kicks to groin: 3 and a girly punch

Swordfish
2001
Premise: Hugh Jackman and Halle Berry are hackers or some shit.

Any time the primary selling point for a movie is, “Baby, have you ever wondered what Halle Berry’s tits look like?” you’re probably not going to find yourself in the best place with your lovely lady. On the plus side though, Hugh Jackman is pretty sexy. I mean like, plus side for your chick. Not you. I guess sometimes we all want a powerful man with adamantium in his body to hold us. Nothing wrong with that. It’s not gay if he’s a mutant.

Probably kicks to groin: 1…she totally wants to check out Halle Berry too

High School Musical 2
2007
Premise: Gay kids sing about high school in an all gay school for gays.

If you give this gift to a woman, you couldn’t give her any more signs of what a complete pedophile you are unless you started dressing like Gary Glitter, complete with a laptop full of “special research on children’s issues”. And yes, Vanessa Hudgens is 18 and sure she looks delicious and probably has rainbows and a cure from cancer in her cooch, that doesn’t make it okay. Publicly.

Possible kicks to groin: 3…4 if you go “NIIIIICE” during one of the cheerleader scenes

Caligula
1979
Premise: Roman Emperor does a whole lot of crazy shit.

I’ll leave a description of one scene from the film to a Caligula fan page:

While giving Caligula a tour of his Palace, Tiberius has Macro tie
a drunk Sentry’s cock off while the Sentry is forced to drink a large
amount of wine. A little later on, Tiberius splits the Sentrys gut
open with a sword. As well, Caligula gets a tour of the “Villa of the
Monsters”, which is Tiberius’ pleasure grotto, filled with all kinds
of deformed sexual wonders. Tiberius refers to them as living
statues who “do!”. This includes an orgy, a woman who puts a
snake in her snatch, someone fucking a bull, the pussy paddler,
a whip handle inserted in someones ass, and the best of Tiberius’
Stallions doing what he does best. “More Conviction!”

Sure, a snake in a very delicate female area might seem shocking, but when you consider that something similar was a deleted scene in Beaches, it’s not so bad.

Probably kicks to groin: 2…though I imagine there will be more dumping as a result of this than actual violence

Happiness
1998
Premise: Various fucked up plots come together to make one cohesive fucked up plot.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed Happiness quite a bit. Very funny movie in the kind of dark way that not many people can do. But at the same time, not many women that I’ve ever encountered take to that so well. In fact, quite the opposite. Most usually recoil as though I asked them to participate in a foursome with me, their mother, and a wiffle ball bat. Not to mention that there’s a copious amount of little boy diddling in the film. So that’s fun for everyone.

This may not apply though if your girlfriend is a big Philip Seymour Hoffman fan. If she is, then absolutely get this movie so she can watch him masturbate vigorously while breathing heavily into the phone with a woman he’s prank calling. It’ll be the first time Philip Seymour Hoffman has gotten anyone laid…probably including himself.

Probable kicks to groin: Probably 3, one for each individual perverse storyline.

Molly
1999
Premise: Elisabeth Shue is an unbearably sexy retard.

This movie girls may actually like quite a bit. The only problem is if you watch it with your lady. You see, Elisabeth Shue is quite attractive (or, at least, was during this film). She’s also profoundly autistic in the movie but plays more of a retard than an autistic. It’s kind of a touching movie overall. Except for the parts where Molly runs around naked because, well, she’s autistic and apparently that’s what they do.

I can’t accurately explain to you how difficult it is to explain a raging erection while watching a movie about a functional retard. Unless you’ve seen Christopher Burke’s stunning turn in Nailin’ Palin.

Probable kicks to groin: 0 until the nude scene…then, oh, eleven billion.

Hounddog
2007
Premise: Dakota Fanning gets raped but finds solace in blues music.

Ignore the fact that the movie kind of sucked. Hard. There’s no situation in which you can tell your significant other about wanting to see a Dakota Fanning movie (excluding Man on Fire, which is so awesome and manly that you can almost cry at the end when Denzel’s character comes full circle) and not have her be completely disgusted. Through in another healthy dose of rape and, ta da, you’ve got a movie that, if you own it, says, “Hello world! I propose more child rape for our entertainment needs!” Which makes you no better than Ronald McDonald.

Probable kicks to groin: 1 and a whole lot of head shaking

American Psycho
2000
Premise: Christian Bale is crazy and kills people. He also has nice business cards.

There’s no doubting that this is a fine movie. One of my favorites, in fact. But if you really care for your significant other, you won’t want to risk them thinking that they’re about one month away from you throwing a chainsaw at them while they run downstairs. In spite of how impressive a feat that is.

Conversely, if you want to break up with your girlfriend but don’t want to pull the trigger yourself, nothing will expedite that process more quickly than casually laying down a plastic tarp and putting on a smock while you and your girlfriend watch the film. Humming Sussudio would be an added bonus.

Possible kicks to groin: 1 so long as you don’t make any sudden movements

The Last House on the Left
1972
Premise: Girls get tortured, peed on, sexually assaulted, and disemboweled by violent criminals. For a loooooong time.

There’s really no way to do this film justice, so I leave it to the wordsmiths over at Wikipedia to explain a significant portion of the film:

In the woods, the girls are untied and subjected to several tortures, including forced urination, exhibitionism, and molestation at the hands of Krug’s girlfriend, Sadie. At the police station, the bumbling police officers realize their mistake in disregarding the car near the Collingwood’s home and quickly set out. Their car breaks down en route, however, and the cops unsuccessfully try to hitch a ride with a group of hippies and a chicken farmer.

After Phyllis and Mari are forced to have sex, Sadie molests Mari. Phyllis whispers to Mari she will make a break for it to distract the kidnappers and thus, offer Mari an opportunity to escape. Phyllis takes off, chased by Sadie and Weasel, while Junior stays behind to guard Mari, who makes a desperate attempt to convince the troubled addict that he doesn’t need to listen to his abusive father because Dr. Collingwood, her father, can help him instead. She also gives him her peace symbol necklace as a symbol of her trust. Meanwhile, Phyllis is eventually cornered at a cemetery, where Weasel stabs her in the back. The defeated Phyllis attempts to crawl away, but the gang inevitably catches up with her and repeatedly stab and disembowel her.

Mari eventually convinces Junior to let her go, though their timing is too late, as they are immediately halted by Krug. He presents Phyllis’ severed hand and proceeds to carve his name into Mari’s chest before sexually violating her. Following this act, Mari, sick from shock and blood loss, rises and slowly staggers over to the nearby lake. Krug shoots Mari in the head and she drifts away. Krug, Junior, Sadie and Weasel wash up and change out of their bloody clothes.

Actually, maybe you should make your girlfriend watch this. Tell her it’s a feel good romantic comedy starring a young Bette Middler. Then just sit back and videotape her reaction. If she doesn’t leave you after that, you’ll know you’ve found the one. Probably the one you won’t want to sleep next to after a fight, but the one nonetheless.

Probably kicks to the groin: 5 real testes breakers

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If you liked this, you might like The 6 Creepiest Guys Living in a Sitcom Household or The 9 Most Eerily Cultlike Kids’ Shows. Any horrific experiences with a girlfriend and a movie? Leave it in the comments.

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