Oct.10.2008 The 7 most delightfully perverse toy commercials

As a child, there’s so much that goes over your head. For example, look at these seven commercials that you might not think much of as a kid that now seem a little, shall we say, off.

Mr. Bucket has a love-hate relationship with your balls

I don’t really get how this game would be fun in any situation (here, put these balls in a bucket…HAHA IT FELL OUT, what fun!) but Mr. Bucket makes it seem captivating. And vaguely like a dog in a bathtub.

It’s so whimsical the way he requests balls being put in any open orifice. Singing and dancing around, just begging for you to toss them inside of him. It’s like hanging out with the male members of the cast of Rent at their show afterparties.

The Hulkamania Workout Set will make you get sweaty and shirtless with grown men

Hulkamania was a big thing for kids in the 80s. Hulk Hogan taught life lessons, won championships, did copious amounts of steroids…so of course the then-WWF wanted to pass his ideologies onto kids. Through the Hulkamania Workout Set (in a commercial that, oddly, didn’t feature Hulk Hogan, but rather his archnemesis, Paul Orndorff).

I can only imagine this boy’s father coming in to the room at the end of the commercial…

“Son, why is there a giant hole in the wall? And a shirtless man? And why are you also shirtless? Oh you’re just working out…whew! Welp, back to the living room, where I drink copiously and ignore any loud noises. Parenting is hard!”

The Baby Wee-Wee loves indecent exposure

There have been a ton of dolls that pee. I guess that’s fine enough because kids like dolls that excrete things like urine or vomit or blood or chocolate sauce for whatever reason. But this commercial just leaves no mystery to how things work.

So if you’ve ever wanted to see a child doll’s penis leaking fake urine, congratulations! You can now cross that off your Mr. Bucket list. I don’t know why it’s so cute when a doll does it though. Every time I pull down my pants in front of grade schoolers it’s a “problem” and “arrest” and often “prison sentence” followed by a “Megan’s Law”. These injustices will not be forgotten.

Shoot your goo in a friend’s face with Super Soaker’s Oozinator

Super Soaker inundated consumers with dozens upon dozens of water guns…the Super Soaker 50, The Super Soaker XP100, the Super Soaker Chain Gun, whatever. So when sometimes you have to venture out of your comfort zone…in this case, “goo” replaces water.

I guess you have to learn the lesson of “I don’t want sticky liquids shot at me” one way or another. These boys are just lucky they didn’t learn it at the hands of an all too friendly uncle or professor. Kids today have it so easy.

Love ‘N’ Licks will get you wet and messy

Many a child couldn’t have a real puppy when they grew up. So look at the next best thing: Love ‘N’ Licks, a puppy that simulates the best part of any puppy experience: the love!

Oh…well, that sounds less wholesome than a real puppy would. Puppies shouldn’t be involved with humans like that. Unless it’s for a “special movie” with licensed professionals and key grips. And jars of peanut butter. And many many regretful glances.

Wham-O’s Fun Fountain gets kids all wet and excited

This commercial isn’t as bad until you really look at what’s going on here. The horror movie-esque camera lens, the dead eyes of the clown head, the boys and girls alone in a forest…something bad is about to happen.

If these kids didn’t end up dead at the hands of a hockey mask and machete-wielding killer immediately after the camera cut, I’d be disappointed. The way the commercial was shot just struck me as inappropriate too. The girl leaping through the water with the lens slowed down…very seductively filmed. It’s good to see that Roman Polanski got work after his legal problems forced him to leave the country.

The Michael Jackson doll wants kids to make it do splits

Michael Jackson was big in the 80s, so it seemed logical enough that he would have a doll in his likeness. But with all that transpired since, what with the surgery and the freakishness and the llamas and the child diddling allegations, this commercial takes on a much less innocent tone.

Kids yelling I love Michael Jackson without a tinge of irony to it…I have no doubts in my mind that Michael Jackson gets a tingle in his groin even to this day when seeing the commercial. Then he thinks about how these kids are almost 30 now and shudders, visibly repulsed.

Here’s a bonus one that I stumbled across that, while it isn’t a toy, kind of freaked me out. Chuck E. Cheese hangs out with a mom and her kids.

The part that put it over the top for me…when the mom lovingly hugs Chuck E. at the end, as if she’s saying, “Son, meet your new stepfather. Hopefully he’ll be less of an alcoholic than your real one. Also he’s a rat. Cool? Cool.”

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If you want to ruin your childhood further, check out the 6 creepiest guys living in a sitcom household. Or for more shitty toys and such, check out the most unnecessary kid products. Is there a commercial that I forgot? Leave it in the comments.

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