Jun.30.2008 The five most unsettling moments in the life of the Burger King
By now you know about the common conception that the Burger King (you know, the dude with the plastic face and tunic) is evil. Well, good news, he’s unleashing his spawn upon the Earth in a new campaign launching next week.
After watching its bigger rival McDonald’s Corp. try to woo mom, Burger King Corp. is launching a new marketing and promotional campaign Monday meant to grab her attention.
“A large part of our customer base is parents with children,” said Russ Klein, president of global strategy, marketing and innovation. “As a parent, the challenge is always trying to get the kinds of things you want to but have some dimension of fun.”
The centerpiece of the effort, Klein said, is a new kids meal featuring a four-ounce serving of Kraft macaroni and cheese, lowfat milk and the company’s “Fresh Apple Fries”, which are uncooked apple slices shaped like french fries and served with low-fat caramel dipping sauce. The meal will go on sale Monday for $3.49 and will be a permanent fixture on Burger King’s menu.
The launch will be followed by an in-restaurant merchandising and television ad campaign, with the first commercial airing July 7. That spot will introduce “Little King” meant to be the masked king’s young son.
*shudder. The Burger King campaign has toed the line between creepy and creative for a while now. Never has a singular character so completely horrified me yet made me want a hamburger. Other than Al Roker.
But of course, the King has an innate ability of terrifying the masses that makes the notion of him siring a spawn seem tame. So to celebrate his newfound fatherhood, let’s take a look at the top 5 creepiest moments of the Burger King.
Number 5: Two forces of evil collide
There is no name more feared by football fans across the country than Drew Rosenhaus. While always claiming to fight for his players, Rosenhaus is cutthroat, aggressive, and kind of evil. So what can soften his image a bit? Having him represent the King in negotiations.
Look at him there…soulless, stoic gaze. Not a hint of a soul. How can he walk among us? And then there’s the King standing next to him. Ho ho ho when it comes to an obvious set-up and punchline, I am the King.
Number 4: Where is your God now?
The simplest item on the list but probably the most poignant and chilling.
I have a fairly iron will, but if I woke up in my bed with the King laying next to me, staring at me, I don’t care if he’s wielding a sandwich. I’m running for my life. I’m also probably wondering what the viscous liquid running down the back of my pants is, but there’s really no time for questions.
Number 3: He can run too
I’d like to think I can at least get away from the Burger King if he ever wanted to come after me. Not likely, if this video holds to form.
Traditional monsters of film tend to be slow and plodding. Zombies, Jason, Freddy Krueger…not really speedsters. But the King appears to be running a 4.3 40 and has amazing field vision. Needless to say, if the King wants to catch you, you’re going to end up caught. And with a face full of meat. Which kind of meat depends on how lucky you are that day, I suppose.
Number 2: The King is giant
A tie-in with an ape-based epic gave birth to this horrific vision. No, not a tie-in with Dunston Checks In unfortunately…rather, A Kong-sized King.
Sure, at first it’s all burgers on fingertips and Rockette-styled kicking. But it’s not all fun and free artery-cloggings. Eventually the King is going to wonder why your relationship hasn’t “escalated”. And I’d be damned if I were the one coming face-to-face with what’s under a 70-foot tall King’s spandex.
Number 1: A sexy dance for you perhaps?
England is kind of awesome when it comes to their programming. Less restrictions means more room for creativity. Unfortunately, that allowed the geniuses at Burger King’s UK advertising agency to craft this horrific idea.
I can imagine nothing that would make me swear off the sexual services industry faster than having the King appear before me at a peep show, then shoving meat into my face. On the plus side, he’s about as nimble as I’d expect a man in a tunic to be. So that’s pretty cool.
RELATED GREATNESS:
-Paris Hilton will eat a hamburger sexily for your entertainment (w/ video)
-Teens put pot in a cop’s Whopper
-You met the Burger King, how about the Spam King?
-Or Don King (w/ video)?
-The Los Angeles Kings have sexy Ice Girls
-And the Sacramento Kings dancers are pretty hot, and willing to show the goods, in these candid shots too
Find the Jonas Brothers Tour Dates and Madonna Tour Dates at Vividseats.com! We sell Concert Tickets like Avril Lavigne Concert Tickets and Theater Tickets to the hottest shows, such as The Lion King and Wicked.
Jun.30.2008 The Quantum of Solace trailer leaked
James Bond has a new movie coming out November 7th and, through the magic of the Internet, the trailer has somehow appeared online. Unfortunately, Sony is hellbent on taking it down, but this version was put up with a description in Spanish, so there’s no way they’ll figure it out.
I’m pretty gay for James Bond, to the point where I took a class on the films in college (that class was informally subtitled “How Chris Saw James Bond Movies for Accreditation from a Major University). But I’m kind of confused by this movie title. It sounds something that some kid with long black bangs would call his livejournal. Or perhaps an advanced math problem. If they call the next movie A Hyperbola with Vengeance, I’m going to be a little conflicted. Because I hate math, but I love murder. Which is why I can never be an assassin…too much trigonometry.
Oh so yeah the only “quantum” I know of is Quantum Leap with Scott Dracula or whatever his name was. It was pretty inspirational that a vampire subdued his animalistic thirst for blood long enough to have a fairly successful sci-fi TV show.
Jun.30.2008 Miley Cyrus wants you to eat her penis-shaped gummy treats
Hrm.
Is there anything this girl does that isn’t sexual on either a subtle or overt level? The only way this is acceptable is if there was a surplus of gummy penises that this company got on the cheap, so they put pink food-coloring on them and said, “Eh, kids are idiots.” Because I can totally relate to wanting to save money and find new uses for gummy penises. I made my surplus of penis gummies into an affordable yet suitably squishy sex doll!
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Jun.30.2008 Don’t sell your life away and expect big money
Thinking about selling your life away? Prepare to be disappointed if you’re anything like this Australian dude.
A man who auctioned his life — his house, his car, his job, even his friends — on eBay said Monday he is disappointed with the selling price: almost $384,000.
Ian Usher, a British immigrant to Australia, put everything he owned as well as introductions to his friends on the online auction site after a painful breakup with his wife prompted him to want a fresh start.
“I guess I’m a little bit disappointed at the final price, I’d hoped it to be a little higher than that,” Usher told Nine Network television on Monday. “But I am committed to selling and moving on and making a fresh start.”
He declined to reveal the buyer’s identity, or what his next step would be.
Usher said he had hoped to get at least $480,000 (a half-million Australian dollars) for his life — his house and all its contents, car and a motorcycle, a jet ski, skydiving gear, an introduction to friends and a trial period in his sales job — but that the final result was enough for him to make a new start in life.
Early reports say that the reason bids on the man’s life were lower than expected was because who the fuck wants the life of some asshole who has to sell his life on eBay. In a related story, I once offered a homeless guy $20 to trade places for a day. Under the guise of wanting to see how the other half lived, I rolled around in dirt, found the ugliest trenchcoat I could find, got myself a coffee cup, and prepared to brave the harsh conditions. It was an important sociological experiment to me; I believed that by putting myself in the shoes of the unfortunate, I’d be able to truly appreciate all of the things that I’ve been given in my life. Then after five minutes I got bored and wanted to eat a sandwich so I killed the homeless guy when he came to pick up the keys to my apartment and went to McDonald’s. It’s ok. He’s homeless, he didn’t have a soul anyway.
Jun.30.2008 The June 30 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy with the awesomeness that is Minka Kelly
–Minka Kelly is hot and classy
–Drunk asshole gets stuck in a hole (w/ video)
–Reminder: Maria Sharapova was once pretty hot (w/ video)
Jun.27.2008 Gossip Girl’s Blake Lively and Penn Badgley do shitty impressions
In this photo, they do an impression of Black people. Which is fine, other than the fact that they’re in the Hamptons. Diddy’s family is like 94.3% of the black population up there.
Jun.27.2008 Prostitute trades her pimp for pizza
Via Fark comes this charming tale of classy people doing classy things. A judge bought a whore a pizza to reveal her pimp to the court.
When inmate Caressa Brunelle came before a judge Wednesday to be released, Brunelle reminded the judge she was owed a pizza.
So, Hamilton County Municipal Court Judge Nadine Allen sent someone to pick up a $5 personal pizza at the Downtown Donato’s and let Brunelle eat it in court.
The pizza was Brunelle’s reward for telling Allen who her pimp was, information Allen used to have the alleged pimp - Jason Lee - arrested.
“I felt that a pizza for a pimp was a good (trade),” the judge said Thursday.
“She was all ecstatic and she said, ‘Oh yeah, you owe me a pizza,’ ” Allen said.
Allen was pleased to pay up.
“I wish other prostitutes would come forward and reveal their pimps. Pizza is cheaper than what we pay for undercover (investigations). Of course, you understand I’m being facetious,” the judge said.
The fuck? A $5 personal pizza? This dick couldn’t even spring for a full pie for this poor cum dumpster who lost the main man in her life? And isn’t this illegal somehow? He totally bribed her to get her to give up info. That seems kind of messed up, even if the stakes are low and the pimp is a scumbag. On the other hand, pizza is pretty delicious. I had a lot of it last night. AND I didn’t have to sell out the guy who made me suck dicks for money. Point Chris!
