Apr.29.2008 SITE NEWS: I’m employed again, so I’m taking some Chris time
So yeah, dear reader your fears have been allayed. Presumably, the fears that I would be forced to make this blogging thing a full-time job.
I am a gainfully employed man again beginning May 12. Theoretically that has nothing to do with you (though if you’re reading what I have to say every day here, you should be rooting for my successes. Perhaps over your own). But it does! I’m leaving town for like a week. I will probably pop in here and there but not with my usual frequency. So let’s say, for all intents and purposes, I’m out of here til next Wednesday.
Read the archives, check out the sites on the blogroll, maybe check here once a day to see if I said hi and called someone gay/fat/a racial epithet; do what you have to do to get by without the countless minutes a day I distract from your existence. As the colored gentlemen I saw in the Bronx today say: “Word.”
Smooches,
Chris
Your Paragon of Virtue
Apr.29.2008 Jimi Hendrix’s genitals are available for viewing
Not in their current state fortunately. But anyway, it looks like Vivid is promoting a Jimi Hendrix sex tape. Story here, sex tape site here.
“Jimi Hendrix: The Sex Tape” will premiere today online at www.hendrixsextape.com, with a DVD edition scheduled to hit stores across the country on May 6. Shot in a hotel room circa 1968, the film shows Hendrix in “an erotic liaison with two slender brunettes.”
“This new movie shows that Jimi Hendrix could have been as great a porn star as he was a rock star. He could clearly play more than just his guitar,” said Vivid co-chairman Steven Hirsch. “It’s easy to see that he turned women on with his music and his passion.”
Rumors of the explicit Hendrix film began to circulate in October 2007, when Vivid registered several Internet domain names for the project. According to a company press release, Vivid acquired the rare 8mm home movie footage of the late rock guitarist from “a collector of rock ‘n roll memorabilia.”
Vivid consulted with several experts to authenticate the footage, including author Pamela Des Barres, known for her groupie memoir “I’m with the Band,” and the notorious Cynthia Plaster Caster. Both women contributed commentary to Vivid’s DVD, which is billed as “a sexual documentary that gives insight on the uninhibited rock ‘n’ roll scene of the Sixties.”
Des Barres says in her commentary: “Hendrix liked to be filmed having sex. He’s the ultimate adult film movie star. I understand why everyone wanted to sleep with the guy. He played like an all-encompassing rock orgasm. He reeked of sex. You wanted to strip to keep up with him when he played ‘Foxy Lady.’ [...] The footage proves that Hendrix was fabulous in bed and really wanted to please his partner.”
Psh, like you can go off of footage to judge sexual prowess. What with all that CGI in the 60s. It’s also pretty perturbing that this Des Barres chick is like the age of my grandmother and she’s still talking about getting deep-dicked. Well, my grandmother is like slightly older, so she was probably getting deep-dicked by Muddy Waters, but still. Not fun.
Anyway I can’t tell if it’s Jimi Hendrix or not, and not for my usual reason of being unable to tell one black guy from another. There’s like a fro and a black penis and they’re both probably wearing colorful headbands or whatever. I don’t even really know what Jimi Hendrix looks like…this could probably be Andre 3000 from Outkast and I’d be like, “Yeah this is probably legit.” But yeah, if you’re interested in seeing a guy who’s been dead like forty years have sex, well, welcome to flavor country my friend.
Apr.29.2008 Britney Spears wears a towel for no reason really
At a hotel spa at the Marina Del Ray in California…
First of all, Britney’s kinda fat. Kinda very fat. That isn’t so much a towel as it is a blanket for a whale’s bed. But what’s that Daily Mail?
Earlier she had been at a gym in Culver City, Los Angeles, as reports today suggested she is now spending six hours a day working out.
Uh, six hours a day working out? We sure about that? Because unless your workout includes you doing squats into a 10 foot tall vat of brownie batter and then eating your way upwards to survive, I’m pretty sure you shouldn’t still look quite like THAT. You don’t necessarily have to transform into a supermodel (or, depressingly, what you looked like when you were 18) overnight. But looking less like a beanbag chair would probably be ideal for that amount of time invested.
Apr.29.2008 Grand Theft Auto IV has arrived with extra sauciness
Today is the day many people across the country have craved. Grand Theft Auto IV hit store shelves at midnight this morning. As I am without an Xbox still (yeah, I never sent my Red Light of Doom one in and am just planning on buying a new one when I feel like it/have money), I cannot play the game. But that won’t stop me from masturbating to The Pixel Women of GTA IV!
“Grand Theft Auto” doesn’t even seem like an appropriate title any more. Perhaps they should call it “A Guide to Being a Classy Gentleman”. Because let’s be honest, I’m doing that exact same “honk at a woman then shoot her in the face if she doesn’t get into my car” strategy every single time I’m crusing for honeys. Especially honeys camped out underneath trains. It’s like baby, we both know you’ve got nothing going on with the way you’re standing under this train. Why you be frontin’?
Apr.29.2008 The April 29 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy with partying white girls
–The Boston Celtics’ Paul Pierce likes inappropriate hand gestures, cavorting with stereotypical partying white girls. [Don Chavez]
–Mandy Lynn has to be some sort of porn star. [Hottest Girls of Myspace]
==The Charlotte Bobcats are a glorified UNC. [Brahsome]
–Watching Juno as a microcosm of maturity. [Shabooty]
–$11 for a can of domestic beer will make you feel sodomized. [Mac G's World]
Apr.28.2008 Speed Racer is seizureiffic
I just came across the “music video” for the remake of the Speed Racer theme song for the film coming out on May 9th. I’ve never seen such a pleasant array of colors not found in a baby’s diaper.
I don’t know why, but this trailer really got me excited for this movie. I mean, it looks like it’s a movie consisting entirely of Emile Hirsch making angry faces while driving a car created in a Playstation 2 but man, these colors are like so bright. And the camera really seems to spin. I want to bring everyone I know who has a weak equilibrium to see this movie and joyfully eat my popcorn while they roll around on the floor with slobber falling out of the sides of their mouth.
Also I don’t really recall Speed Racer pistol whipping someone in the cartoon but then again I didn’t really watch the cartoon other than when I passed by it on the Cartoon Network at 2AM when I was younger. It definitely had less pistol whipping, more yelling with poor English-synching, and less Christina Ricci breasts. So I’m thinking these are improvements we can all support.
Apr.28.2008 Jessica Alba large, flanked by past version of self
From, I assume, outside an all-you-can-eat buffet…
Yeah, Jessica Alba looks like a circus tent…no, a little classier…wedding tent. Which is fine, I guess. She’s been pregnant for like a year now, so she should theoretically be the size of a finely crafted German automobile. But who’s that chick behind her? I’m going to guess a sister or something, maybe a personal assistant. But it’s kind of depressing because, to me, she looks how Jessica Alba used to look before she swallowed one of those Swiss workout balls. It’s like having a painful reminder of how great you used to look with you at all times. No wonder Jessica’s turned to food so vigorously and authoritatively.
[I'm mentally penetrating PopSugar]
