Feb.20.2008 You know what I don’t need? A Gene Simmons sex tape
Of all the exciting things I’ve received in my inbox, a press release for a Gene Simmons sex tape has to be on the bottom 300, right behind “ElongateyourPHALLUS” and an email from my mom telling me she’s disappointed in me. Only one of which enlarged my penis.
A sex video allegedly featuring Gene Simmons was released Tuesday at GenesSecret.com.
The site’s video still show a man who appears to be Simmons - bassist for the rock band KISS and star of the reality TV show “Gene Simmons’ Family Jewels” - having sex with a woman identified as an Austrian babe named “Elsa,” a spokesmodel for Frank’s Energy Drink. Simmons reportedly endorses the drink.
Photos on the site promoting the sex video show the couple going at it in several positions, with Simmons keeping his shirt on and Elsa wearing lingerie.
GenesSecret.com is an offshore site operated in Panama. The site’s owner has not been identified.Simmons made a name for himself in the flashy, makeup-covered band KISS, not only for his musical talents, but also for his long tongue and sexual conquests. Simmons claims to have slept with more than 4,600 women.
Oh boy. You know what’s awesome for sex tapes? Seeing some random slut getting with some rock star you don’t care about. If I want to see Gene Simmons’ big retard tongue licking some girl’s crotch, I’d…uh…do some sort of absurd analogy that would make him lick that girl’s crotch. Writing is hard.
I just don’t see the appeal in a man’s sex tape. Especially a man whose fame comes from prancing around in face paint and whoring out his likeness in every way imaginable. Unless it was the Ultimate Warrior. And only if he shook the ropes while having sex and let out some sort of humorous cartoonish growl. Then that’d be something I can get behind. Maybe I need to think these proclamations out a bit further before putting them in writing. Point: Fuck Gene Simmons.
“Point: Fuck Gene Simmons.”
Rather, the point is: If you DO fuck Gene Simmons, keep it to yourself. Please.
:P
I can’t get over how the media gets hyped over shit like this. I can’t stand stupid gossip about TODAY’S stars, leave alone some clown (wait, he WAS a clown, right? i just remember the makeup) from the last century and his geriatric flingamajongs.
(Oh? You checked?? ok, ok, I admit. I just made up the word ‘flingamajong’…)