Feb.29.2008 Angelina Jolie feeds her child penis
You know what’s awesome? That title is totally misleading. She bought some gum for her kid that says I Heart Penis. Take that Angelina Jolie! Our rivalry is renewed!
The day before Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt finalized their adoption of 4-year-old son Pax, Angelina spent the afternoon with son Maddox, Us Weekly reports in its latest issue, on newsstands now.After treating him to a matinée of The Spiderwick Chronicles at Hollywood’s ArcLight theater, they hit the gift shop.
Six-year-old Maddox picked out a pack of gum labeled “I [Heart] My Penis.”
“[Angelina] laughed and bought it,” a witness told Us.
Whatever, I feed little boys tons of penis all the time and I don’t get an article on US Magazine about it.
See kids, sometimes it’s the easiest joke that’s the most effective. Hooray pedophelia!
Feb.29.2008 Be careful with that Internet usage at work
An alarming amount of people have been getting fired at work for their various misdeeds in Internet usage or emails. So stop masturbating 2girls1cup and listen up.
A new survey found that more than a quarter of employers have fired workers for misusing e-mail, and one third have fired workers for misusing the Internet on the job. The study, conducted by the American Management Association (AMA) and The ePolicy Institute, surveyed 304 U.S. companies of all sizes.
The vast majority of bosses who fired workers for Internet misuse, 84 percent, said the employee was accessing porn or other inappropriate content. While looking at inappropriate content is an obvious no-no on company time, simply surfing the Web led to a surprising number of firings. As many as 34 percent of managers in the study said they let go of workers for excessive personal use of the Internet, according to the survey.
Among managers who fired workers for e-mail misuse, 64 percent did so because the employee violated company policy and 62 percent said the workers’ e-mail contained inappropriate or offensive language. More than a quarter of bosses said they fired workers for excessive personal use of e-mail and 22 percent said their workers were fired for breaching confidentiality rules in e-mail.
Uh. This doesn’t include people blogging at work, right? Because, uh, that’s like giving back to society and shit. Like I’m pretty sure me writing about really important things like forcible abortions is curing cancer. Because laughter is the best medicine. Especially laughter that leads to stem cell research!
Feb.29.2008 Jessica Alba is a perfect storm of sluttery and falling
Rarely do I put two stories together in one post, but they seem tangentially related. Jessica Alba knows all about having big breasts. And falling at the Oscars.
JESSICA Alba knows the trauma of developing a big chest at an early age - she says she was labeled a sixth-grade slut by her elementary school principal and a couple of “self-righteous” PTA moms.
“The accusation still ricochets . . . They think I’m a slut?,” Alba recalls in “If I’d Known Then,” Ellyn Spragins’ upcoming book of essays by female celebrities.
Alba adds: “Boys are awful. They are made of nothing but hormones until they’re about 20 or 21 . . . It’s fun to have a crush, but don’t think it’s forever . . . And use birth control and condoms, please.”
Aaaand….
Pregnant actress Jessica Alba is counting her lucky stars after suffering a terrifying tumble backstage at the Academy Awards on Sunday.
Alba, who is in her third trimester, was caught just in time by fiance Cash Warren.
And the 26-year-old Latina is astonished normally eagle-eyed photographers missed the whole thing - because she fell right in front of them.
I think that perhaps these two ideas may be correlated. For example, when I draw my ideal woman (which looks suspiciously like a stick figure with comically oversized breasts), I can’t imagine that she wouldn’t topple right over. Unfortunately though, where Jessica Alba differs from my ideal woman is that she has a functioning womb. My ideal woman has a gumball machine in place of her womb. Because then, instead of babies, you get delicious candy! Everybody wins!
On the downside, you then occasionally get jizm on your delicious candy. So see? Even the perfect woman is slightly imperfect. These are the sacrifices you just have to make in life.
Feb.29.2008 The February 29 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy featuring a famous radio midget
–The natives of Staten Island do not want Howard Stern’s beloved midget Beetlejuice to be bowling in their horrible borough. [Busted Coverage]
–Flirt like a champion. Meaning don’t just insert your fingers into an orifice and go, “EH!?!” [Tasty Booze]
–Miley Cyrus had a nipple slip. Uh. Is that legal? [On205th]
–Will Lindsay Lohan bare it all for Playboy? [Egotastic]
–John Stamos has a massive belly button. [Just Jared]
Feb.28.2008 So I guess an explanation is in order
I feel like lately I’ve been writing more posts about the site than I have actual posts so my apologies. But yeah, basically, our host (who I’m sticking with right now even though I absolutely want to fucking murder them so I shan’t mention them by name) randomly fucked something up on Tuesday. Then fixed it late Wednesday. Then broke it again. Then I got a new host and switched the nameservers there. Then I switched it back to the first host so I can grab files off the FTP. Then the site began to look like it works again, so I put a new template on it, updated Wordpress, and now pray that it won’t take a shit again.
So after approximately 2 hours on hold with tech support, hours spent yelling profanities at the utter confusion behind why my blog didn’t work, and possible kidney stones passed, here we are. Needless to say, I’m hoping for the best and expecting the worst, so back-ups have been made and I’m paying for the new host too for right now. Just in case.
Much meanness to come, I’m sure.
Angrily yours,
Chris
Your Paragon of Virtue
Feb.28.2008 Uhhh…oops?
So apparently my blog is still fucked up in some way, meaning that I can’t future-post stuff right now. So that’s why there were no morning updates. Haha fuck me dude. Anyways, I’m sorry guys! There’s now an entire morning’s worth of content up and more coming shortly. I swear I’m not this incompetent usually. Swear!
Smooches,
Chris
Your Paragon of Virtue
Feb.28.2008 My Gay Roommate: A trip to Europe that doesn’t involve going to Europe
The latest reasons I wish my roommate did intravenous drugs with Freddie Mercury…
Last Wednesday, I came home to find that my roommate had packed up all his stuff and it looked he left. Turns out, he didn’t. I saw him that night. I then told my roommate that I would be moving out March 15th. He told me he would be going back to Europe the following day because A) his grandmother was dying, B) his cancer, and C) he needed to address his visa issues.
We now sit here one week later and he’s prancing around, leaving more wig hair than ever in the sink. I don’t even address him any more. He’s the sketchiest human being I’ve ever met. Which is no small feat.
