Dec.28.2007 Your December 28 Update
Hopefully you’re getting off early today to prepare for the stupor that New Year’s Eve will no doubt be putting us all in (I’m preparing the bottles of liquid nitrogen to consume right now). So here’s an early update for you on all the news, BS, and Chris Experience that you need to know.
Patrick Ewing is a big fan of the word “talent”. He also still looks like a monkey.
15 year-old Miley Cyrus and her 15 year-old boyfriend Nick Jonas of the Jonas Brothers have broken up. Kids grow up so fast these days. Early reports have Miley Cyrus getting custody of the hundreds of aborted fetuses.
Benazir Bhutto was killed. She led the opposition party in Pakistan. Which was amazing to me, because she has ovaries. I thought that having ovaries were a specific way to not get any sort of power in any culture with a Muslim presence. You learn something new each day.
Hello Kitty is launching a new line of products geared towards boys. The products are primarily black and white with that same gay kitty on the front. I’m not sure that the marketing folks there quite understand the male objection to Hello Kitty.
MOMSENWATCH!
A judge in Louisiana has postponed a trial date since it conflicts with LSU’s Bowl Championship game against Ohio State. God I f*cking hate LSU fans. You’re all such jackasses. Every single one of you. I seriously hope that anyone who’s ever cheered on the team or used the word “Geuax” in the place Go get inflicted an extremely painful case of colon cancer. I have nothing funny to add, merely wanted to state my position on the matter.
Happy New Year’s everyone…enjoy drinking like a Louisianan. I’ll catch you guys on Wednesday, most likely.
Smooches,
Chris
Your Paragon of Virtue
Dec.27.2007 Your December 27 Update
Day two of your news, BS, and Chris Experience updates. I just woke up and I’d be lying if I weren’t something that rhymes with “rung dover”. Again, this is why I probably wouldn’t be capable of working at home as a professional blogger, other than the obvious lack of talent. So let’s get into this before I make myself cry.
Mischa Barton was arrested for a DUI. The bitch weighs like 40 pounds, so big shock that she probably got lit off of one Cosmopolitan. She also just looks kind of c*nty in the photo TMZ used. She always looks kind of c*nty. She probably couldn’t look more c*nty if her lips were labia and her breath smelled like a bear’s.
The San Antonio Spurs’ Tony Parker has found himself in the middle of a web of intrigue as a result of a delusional French girl. The web of intrigue consists primarily of him not having slept with her and her being crazy. But boy, her lies are EXTRAVAGANT.
The NFL Network is simulcasting the New England Patriots/New York Giants game this weekend on CBS and NBC since nobody gets the NFL Network. That means you can watch this game on THREE different channels. I’m going to get a picture-in-picture-in-picture TV and watch this game on all three channels at the same time. I imagine it’ll be like being able to control the Matrix.
Paris Hilton is totally getting douched on her inheritance, expected to receive $5 million instead of an anticipated $100 million. I know it’s fashionable to think she should die of cervical cancer but that just sucks. I get wanting to give money to charity, but $5 million? When her grandfather Barron Hilton has $2.3 billion? And will be donating 97% to charity? That’s just a dick move. I’d steal his will and write over it in marker saying “Give the money to Paris,” then bludgeon him with a gold brick. I’m all about sending a message with my murders.
And I’ll leave you with a link to the love of my life Liston and his Douche test. Easily more entertaining than the crap you’ll find on Tickle or whatever crappy test sites that stupid people go to.
Dec.26.2007 Your December 26 update
So I told you I’d be posting sporadically over these post-Christmas/pre-New Years days. How sporadically? Apparently once a day in a rambling post about news, BS, and my life. It’s not a permanent change, don’t fret. But your hero needs to recharge a bit while still bestowing my goodness upon you.
In a building across from my Manhattan apartment is an office full of women. Middle-aged. Plain looking. They could probably be your moms. They have one amazing perk for their office though…they get to stare directly into my bedroom window. You see, I have curtains. Only the window pane is extra wide. So my curtains don’t quiiiite cover everything. So they will stare at me as I walk around during office hours in my boxers and a wifebeater (obviously only on days like today in which I’m off work). I’ll probably strip by the window later today to give them enough material for their spank banks for a month. Girls have spank banks too, I presume.
Britney Spears will literally f*ck anyone who shows her the vaguest bit of interest. It’s past the point of being embarrassed for her. I just want to give her a hug and tell her it’ll be okay. Then spit in her face. It’s probably like giving a fancy tennis bracelet to a normal girl.
Some old broad who had taken in Frank Sinatra’s loads died. Whoop.
It didn’t snow in New York City. My dreams of a White Christmas were dashed by that and the fact that my personal Christmas celebrations were held in the Bronx.
Paris Hilton’s little brother is a teenager. And he’s having sex! Oh no! He’s on the road to troubles! Teenagers having sex, my oh my. Only with the rich and famous!
No Country for Old Men is good, but not as good as everyone’s made me believe. I Am Legend is solid, but ultimately unfulfilling. Walk Hard is a very entertaining hour and change. I would recommend them all, but wouldn’t expect your life to be changed by any film out right now. Unless you’re going to see This Christmas. In which case, your world will never be the same. Chris Brown’s rape scene is particularly touching.
Will Smith isn’t as big a fan of Hitler as some media outlets would have you believe. You know, f*ck that. He shouldn’t have backed down from that quote. They say that the best villains are the ones who believe that what they’re doing is absolutely right. In that sense, they are doing good. So sure, while you or I…okay mostly you….probably wouldn’t exterminate millions of Jewish people, it’s not invalid to say that Hitler didn’t do it just to be a dick. He did it because he thought it was what was best. Can we, as media and consumers of media, not twist everything completely out of context and try to understand broader classifications of issues rather than make it out like Will Smith is goose-stepping around and walking his agent into a gas shower?
And I leave you today with six naked Victoria’s Secret models. Naked in the literal sense…they’re not really showing much. In fact, it’s reasonably Safe for Work. Which is kind of counterproductive. But enjoy yourself if you find yourself unable to find suitable masturbatory material at work.
Dec.21.2007 SITE NEWS: I’m taking off early
So I’m not going to lie to you, this week has been pretty draining on me. So I’m skipping out a day early for the holidays. I’ll be back Wednesday of next week with some sparse posting to lead us into the New Year. Girls, try to not get impregnated when hopped up on rum cakes. Remember: swallow or take it in the butt. Have a great holiday celebration of Christmas/Chanukkah/Kwanzaa everyone.
Smooches,
Chris
Your Paragon of Virtue
Dec.20.2007 My dog ate my World Series baseball
So the Boston Red Sox’ Jonathan Papelbon had the series-clinching ball from the 2007 World Series eaten by his dog. Which is great because it’s not like World Series championship-winning baseballs are in short supply. Baseball’s kind of ridiculous with this stuff anyway. “Oh we have to save it to commemorate this precious moment! Oh boy we need to save it as a testament to the good times!” Baseball is like a fat housewife in Iowa, saving up these dumb treasures that are pretty meaningless in the grand scheme of things. It’s a baseball, not a sarcophagus, you dipsh*ts . [ESPN.com]
Dec.20.2007 You thought I was kidding in my last post
Pregnancy pregnancy pregnancy. What more can I say? Anyway, Nickelodeon’s considering running a special to try to curb teenage pregnancy.
Nickelodeon is considering airing a special about sex and love after its Zoey 101 star Jamie Lynn Spears announced she was pregnant at age 16 this past week.
Veteran newswoman Linda Ellerbee, who has done shows before on the network, would host, the Associated Press reports. “I think it’s important that something be done,” she said.
NYC-based psychotherapist Robi Ludwig gave Usmagazine.com these five tips:
1. Ask your children questions
“Find out what your children’s thoughts are: What’s your understanding? What do you think about Jamie Lynn being pregnant at 16 and unmarried?”2. Be honest
“Parents need to be straight forward and say, ‘This is not a wise choice.’”3. See if your child knows about birth control
“Do they understand that having [unprotected sex] is not a wise decision? It’s very hard because kids will probably always have facts before their parents are ready to give them. But you have to deal with that kind of discomfort.”4. Tell them the consequences of having a baby so young
“In general, the statement needs to be, ‘It’s a really sad situation.’ Tell them it’s ideal to have a child when you’re an adult, and you’ve had a whole range of experiences and you’re ready to settle down in your life. It’s not ideal when you’re a teenager.”5. Help them find a new role model
“I think it’s fair to say, ‘This is not who you want to emulate. You might like her, enjoy her work, but her personal life is not one you want to emulate.’”
Yeah, sure, you could do all that. Or girls could just take my advice, as explained in my debut self-help book “Swallow for His Love…and Your Health”. It didn’t get the attention I wanted, but I think there’s an important lesson for girls out there. Additionally, young men should take a look at my book “Pulling Out” and, for situations like this, my chapter entitled “Introductions to Doctor Marten”. I have much experience and wisdom to impart to youngsters.
On the plus side, I really enjoyed the book “Abortion Jokes for Starting Comedians”. See? We all need a little help.
Dec.20.2007 J Records has dropped Ruben Studdard
Former American Idol winner Ruben Studdard was dropped from his record label, which is news that is vaguely interesting but not at all.
After a promising start as winner of the second season of “American Idol,” Studdard seems to have fallen short of expectations and has been dropped from J. A rep from his label has confirmed the artist’s departure to SOHH.
Studdard’s first J Record release Soulful, released in 2003, is RIAA certified platinum. His 2004 gospel follow up, I Need An Angel also fared well - reaching gold status. However sales of his 2006 project The Return have been unable to match his previous success, moving barely 235,000 copies.
Studdard has been putting in work to strengthen other aspects of his career. In November, he spent time touring alongside Robin Givens in a play called “Heaven I Need a Hug” and according to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, he is currently preparing to play jazz great Fats Waller in a national theatre tour of “Ain’t Misbehavin’.”
They dropped him? So that’s why I felt those tremors. HA! THAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS POST. YOU THINK I GIVE A CRAP ABOUT RUBEN STUDDARD? HA!
This is why journalists take a lot of the time before holidays off. There’s no news, so you have to talk about Ruben Studdard. Sigh. Look forward to 5 more Jamie Lynn Spears posts.
