Oct.31.2007 Britney Spears is…um why is she in a martini glass
It’s not easy being Britney Spears. There’s a lot of pressure to be completely insane and worthless and get your trusted associates to turn against you.
For three of the most turbulent months of the pop star’s life, Kalie Machado was a constant by Britney Spears’ side.
Plucked from a hairdresser’s assistant gig in December 2006 to serve as Spears’ personal assistant, Machado, 23, soon found herself a featured player in Brit’s daily soap opera, a drinking companion and shoulder to cry on.
“She wanted so badly to have the father of her babies. When Britney thought about Kevin not wanting her, she would bawl,” Machado tells Us. “She would look at Sean and Jayden and say, ‘Where’s your daddy? I need help. Where’s your daddy?’”
Machado’s conclusion? “She needs mental help,” she says.
Well gee, thanks Kalie. With those clue-finding skills, you should have been a detective instead of a woman who sells out her former boss to the press. Or maybe you could have been both. That way, you could do your detective work, then blackmail the involved parties. Win/win!
At what point is enough enough with Britney though? Like she’s got an album out that’s oddly getting rave reviews and she looks crazier and crazier with each passing moment. Dealing with her every day is like staring straight into a time portal with a version of yourself in it wearing blackface and tapdancing shoes. You know what you’re seeing on the other side is technically another reality, but it just doesn’t compute. This is what happens when you talk about Britney Spears, you end up sounding like a stoner.
Find the Jonas Brothers Tour Dates and Madonna Tour Dates at Vividseats.com! We sell Concert Tickets like Avril Lavigne Concert Tickets and Theater Tickets to the hottest shows, such as The Lion King and Wicked.
Oct.31.2007 Jessica Alba is a c*cktease
Via FilmDrunk and the pure sex that is Lance Martini, Jessica Alba has once again vowed to never be nude on film.
Jessica Alba says she would almost do anything for a film role including get fat and cut off her hair, but she draws the line at nude scenes. Alba says her Catholic upbringing prevents her from striping for films.
“I will never do a nude scene in a movie – not ever. I can act sexy and I can wear sexy cloths but I can’t go naked. I think I was always very uncomfortable about the way my body developed,” says Alba. “I come from a Catholic family and it wasn’t seen as good to flaunt yourself. I can handle being sexy with cloths on but not with them off.”
Alba is currently dating long time love Cash Warren. The couple split earlier this year amid rumors that Alba wanted to get married and Warren did not.
Well that’s great news. For me, the main thing I want from Jessica Alba is to be able to take her seriously as an actress. I don’t want to be distracted by her luscious breasts or bodacious booty. I want to focus on her garbled lines and awkward physical interaction. That’s the way Olivier wanted it. And if there’s any actor that knows how to deal with people wanting to f*ck them more than watch them act, it’s Sir Laurence Olivier.
Oct.31.2007 So communism was all the result of a skin disease
So you know how Communism was pretty big for a while and one of the driving forces was Karl Marx? Turns out that all his anger at the system was the result of an odd skin disease that made him filled with rage. Sorry former Soviet Union, looks like your suffering was for naught. Whoops! [Times UK]
Oct.31.2007 The emotionally volatile power couple
Via WWTDD, comes the news that Jessica Simpson and Owen Wilson are now dating.
She and Owen Wilson have been spotted on a date in Los Angeles, according to the new issue of Star magazine. The two dined Sunday at the Huntley Hotel in Santa Monica before retiring to his Malibu home. “He couldn’t keep his hands off her,” a witness tells the mag.
At first glance, it might not be the best idea for a suicidal guy to go after an emotional needy girl, regardless of how hot she is. But then I thought about it a little more.
You see, nothing would get me over a suicide attempt better than a dive into Jessica Simpson’s lap. I’d put on my goggles and snorkel and dive right on in and not come up for air. That’s what the snorkel’s for. The goggles are for the looks. It’s not about pleasure. It’s about snorkeling.
Oct.31.2007 Big Foot is a bear with a skin infection
Or it’s actually a giant prehistoric ape that wanders the forests of Pennsylvania. Either way, something’s messed up. How lonely does your life have to be though to dedicating yourself to finding a big furry monkey? At least with aliens, there’s the hope of a brighter future or something with some tangible impact on mankind. If you find Bigfoot, you find a big f*cking monkey that may rape you. To each their own. [AP/Yahoo]
Oct.31.2007 It’s Halloween. So what did our hero/editor go as?
Because I give my lives to you, dear readers, I’m exposing a very special piece of myself to you today. My Halloween costume.
Longtime readers of the blog (especially those who’ve added me as a friend on Facebook in that little link to the right) will know my personal obsession with Mystery, the lead dog on VH1 show The Pick-Up Artist. He’s a creep, absolutely. An enjoyable creep, but a creep nonetheless. But he gets very superficial results with beautiful women. So it’s a bit of a trade off.
As I put on the costume and felt ridiculous, I was given this wisdom from former BOH editor/occasional contributor Tommy: “Just because Mystery gets women doesn’t mean that he doesn’t look like a gay pirate.” Truer words have never been spoken.
I required female consultation on my application of eyeliner and nailpolish. Did I need eyeshadow? I was told to get a pencil eyeliner. I got liquid. Apparently, that’s sacrilege, as I was told by all my female co-workers. “You have to be way more experienced to do liquid eyeliner,” they told me. And then I had black fingernail polish going all over the sides of my fingers. You know, some men just aren’t cut out to wear make-up.
Although apparently, as you can see above, I look great in it. I’m like every emo band ever rolled into one sexy package. Though the boa stuffed in the front of my jacket makes me look paunchy. Lesson learned.
The punchline to this post was going to be me with a sexy broad dressed like Amy Winehouse, but I’m not going to use her likeness unapproved for her sake (though, again, you can add me on Facebook to see that one), so here’s me mock jerking off BOH contributor Edgar in his “dick in the box” costume while the Burger King looks on with a sad face.
Oh Halloween. No other night even comes close.
The Christery World Tour continues tonight in New York City’s West Village. If you see Chris in his costume and say, “Chris, you’re my Paragon of Virtue,” Chris will buy you a drink. Hooray for contests. A drink and hot sex if you’re a cute girl dressed like some sort of slutty animal or occupation. Greatest contest ever!
Oct.31.2007 MySpace’s pervwatch should begin with Tom
You know how one of the biggest problems with MySpace is older men lying about their age and preying on youngsters? Well, now we know where that all began: MySpace creator Tom Anderson is actually 37 years old.
As the public face of MySpace, cofounder Tom Anderson has become a celebrity since the site launched in 2003 because he’s every user’s first “friend”: when you join MySpace, your profile is automatically linked to his. But it turns out that Tom, who, along with cofounder Chris DeWolfe, made a fortune when News Corp. bought MySpace for $580 million in 2005, may have a secret: his real age.
According to public documents obtained by NEWSWEEK—including professional license information, voter registration and utility and telephone service applications—Anderson is five years older than he claims. His online profile currently lists his age as 32, but it appears he was actually born on Nov. 8, 1970, meaning he’ll turn 37 next week, not 33. (Happy birthday, Tom!)
Rumors about Anderson’s age began to spread last week, when the blog TechCrunch suggested that he was 36 or 37. Anderson and MySpace declined multiple requests for comment, and the company would not confirm his birth date. “I’m pretty bummed out about it,” says 25-year-old Andrew Haynes, a Seattle comedian. “I’ve always taken MySpace with a grain of salt, but Tom was my first friend. It’s kind of messed up that he lied to me.” Either way, he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Sorry baby, but Tom was too busy being friends with sexy little 17 year-olds to get you his correct age. In fact, he’s actually going over to one of their houses right now. Oh no, he brought all his wine coolers and pot. Look out Tom, it’s a trap! CHRIS HANSON IS BEHIND YOU. OH THE HUMANITY! THE HUMANITY!!!!
And scene. My Academy Award in Blog-based Role Play better be en route.
