Jul.31.2007 LIBEL TUESDAY! Freddy Adu is a filthy Communist
What other rationale is there for Freddy Adu, the best young American soccer player (I presume…that’s what all ESPN tells me), to go over to Europe to play professionally?
MLS deputy commissioner Ivan Gazidis told The Associated Press that Adu’s agent Richard Motzkin had confirmed the deal.
The 18-year-old attacking midfielder arrived in the Portuguese capital Monday to negotiate terms. There were no immediate plans to introduce the player to the media.
“Freddy, when we signed him, was one of most talented young players in the world. I think, today, he still is one of most young talented players in the world,” Gazidis said. “What we’ve struggled with is the expectations, not that we’ve placed on him, but that the media has placed on him.”
Translation: “Freddy Adu is a bust. So much of a bust, we’re going to call him Freddy A-douche. At least internally.”
Whatever has Freddy Adu done other than kick a ball around better than some other kids? Nothing for no one. At least Michelle Wie grew boobs. Well I don’t see any boobs on you Freddy Adu! Go enjoy your rubles, Lenin. Too bad you’re going to have to share them with Medanya, the town drunk. He’s as worthwhile as you in your newfound ideology. Worthless Pinko.
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Jul.31.2007 Star Jones cheated.
Star Jones was a fatty fat fat fatso but now she’s not. She had said she lost all her weight by diet and exercise. Turns out she did it by stapling her big fat stomach because, as macro’d cats might say, fatty cant has disciplinez.
Why the delay in speaking up? “First, I didn’t know if the surgery would work,” she writes in the first-person essay. “I had spent my entire adult life telling everyone that I was fine with the way I looked. I never thought I’d have to explain it.
“But the complete truth is, I was scared of what people might think of me.”
Tracking her weight gain over the years – peaking after she rapidly gained about 75 lbs. following her 40th birthday – Jones Reynolds describes feeling lonely and using food as a tool to fill the void. “Whenever I felt lonely, a Double Whopper with cheese became my friend. If I felt sad, six strips of bacon made me feel better.”
You think you’re so special don’t you Star Jones? Just because your relationship with bacon makes you a better person. Big f*cking deal. So what if my relationship with bacon makes me cut myself at night while listening to AFI? Bacon treats me like crap. But it consoles you. Whatever Star. You can keep bacon. I’m tired of its two-timing ways any how. Greasy prick.
[Image courtesy of SnarkyGossip. What gossip isn't snarky these days?]
Jul.31.2007 The Wall Street Journal has been sold to Rupert Murdoch
I know, when you come to this site, you don’t necessarily expect hard-hitting news on the sale of the pre-eminent financial publication in the world. But it’s important. The Bancroft Family (who own most of the Wall Street Journal and who appear to be in the millions of members) has apparently decided enough’s enough and that it’s time to relinquish Dow Jones, the publisher of the business Bible, to News Corp’s much-maligned owner for an undisclosed sum.
Dow Jones is expected to reach a definitive agreement tonight to be acquired by Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp., CNBC’s David Faber reported.
The accord would end months of wrangling among the Bancroft family, which controls Dow Jones, publisher of the Wall Street Journal.
“It did come awfully close, in fact, closer than many had anticipated,” Faber said. “But at the end of the day, according to people who were working on this, a number of the Bancrofts who had been somewhat vocal in their opposition–Chris Bancroft for example–seemed suddenly at the realization that they were going to have to pay all these banking fees said ‘Wait a second. Hey, if you pay my fees, I’ll give you my vote.’ And that may have turned it.”
Ah, the world of money is so simple. The solution to problems is just more money. There’s hardly any other analogous situation. You can’t through more drugs at a drug problem, can’t throw more anger at a rage problem, can’t throw more punches at a spousal abuse problem. But money causes and solves all of your needs.
Word on the street is that the first issue of a Murdoch-published Journal will feature an op-ed by Homer Simpson extolling the great opportunities in buying stock in Krispy Kreme to promote the season premiere of The Simpsons. Business as usual, I say.
Jul.31.2007 I’m Scarlett Johanssson. I’m too good to play a porn ho.
People.com, always the bane of my existence but not really, reveals that Jenna Jameson’s looking to cast someone as herself in the film adaptation of her 2004 book How to Make Love Like a Porn Star. Her first choice? Scarlett. Scarlett’s reaction, “Not for all the c*ck in China.” She’s not much for metaphors.
Despite circulating reports and Jenna Jameson’s hopes that the actress is just the right mix of sexy and mysterious, Scarlett Johansson will not portray the porn star in the film adaptation of her autobiography.
“Scarlett has never seen a script nor been approached about this project,” says a rep for the actress. “She also has no interest in playing this role.”
Casting is crucial, said Jameson, emphasizing that the film needs more than just a pretty face. “I don’t want someone who’s going to go in there and be like bouncing around,” she said. “I want someone who can bring some depth.”
Jenna stressed the need for great internal depth. She felt that her success was due to being so deep inside. Why, her depth was such that she would often find hikers spelunking their way through her treacherous internal peaks and valleys. Oh the depth she has. Inside, she’s as deep as the Grand Canyon.
I’m of course referring to her emotions. I’m also subtly (so smooth with my word play) referring to her big ol’ snizz, a cavernous region that can hold 6 midgets, a mini pony, and I think my car keys ended up there that time I lost them. What a stinky car ride that followed.
Jul.31.2007 The July 31 Hot Link Orgy
The hottest orgy with an eight-legged robot you can have until they can make all your actual wildest fantasies come true.
–I can’t decide if this eight-legged robot is walking, moving, or dancing. Regardless, it’s indisputable that this is the first robot to have soul. [Japan Probe]
–Playing golf with a flaming…something…is even more exciting and dangerous than you’d think. [With Leather]
–Hello Britney Spears’ ass. We hadn’t really met prior to now. But I dig you. [WWTDD]
–Rosie O’Donnell doesn’t want your celebrity Apprentice, Donald Trump. Unless there are tacos. Both pink and otherwise. [Defamer]
–Let’s try tempering expectations a bit on this Kevin Garnett to Boston trade, yeah? [Winning the Turnover Battle]
As always, send your links to tips AT blogofhilarity dot com. The com is for Communism!
Jul.30.2007 Mondays are great for lazy self-promotion
Your favorite blog…no, not TMZ. No…not Deadspin. Ugh, okay, this blog you’re on right now…the Blog of Hilarity, is all over the Internet these days. Here’s what you should be checking out to support the team.
The Blog Show namedrops the Blog of Hilarity’s Scooby Doo Responds to Mike Vick post. You can watch the show below.
Last week, your hero Chris was featured all over the Internet (including SI.com and various NFL teams’ fan sites) for this delightful bit of parody on Epic Carnival in which the Cincinnati Bengals are signing Lindsay Lohan. Sometimes the simplest joke hits the best.
And to check out all Chris’s work on Epic Carnival (which I write for I’d say 5 times a week), check out the archives here.
Yay for self-promotion filler!
Jul.30.2007 Courtney Love might be retarded
Via FishBowlNY, Courtney Love is blogging on her MySpace. And holy crap, what an absolute freaking mess.
im gonna stop posting someone snukc in my blog subscrioptipns thats a membe rof the media or somethingt liek teh media i wa stols today about tmz being trabnie aobsessed with everyone whats yup wiuth that Harvery guy? why cabnt he deal with the fact hat my operation is one of the better ones outta stickholm and you cant evebn see my adams apple? i mean in fact i can even go INTOP LABOUR! that dr was gret! from denmark i bekleive he was helena chritensons dad.
My Firefox spellcheck just handed me its resignation. Anyway, what I think she’s saying is that society’s determination in tearing down its idols, be they false or real, is one of the great crimes of 21st Century Humanity. With TMZ at the forefront of a cultural revolution of citizen journalism, the media is on a non-stop quest to destroy celebrity with round-the-clock coverage that necessitates more and more stories being artificially created and beaten into the ground. Truly poetic and brilliant.
Or she may have Oxycontin-ed her face onto the keyboard and rolled her head back and forth for a minute. I’m not entirely sure.
