Jun.30.2007 Breaking down ESPN’s Who’s Now Bracket (aka Worthless Bracketology): Round 1
An idea that was clearly created in the marketing rooms (”Hey, they like brackets, they like athletes, let’s make something with both those for the summer!”), in an effort to artificially manufacture news, ESPN’s running a tournament to determine “Who’s Now”. What’s the criteria or the logic behind it? Who knows! But they’ve got fancy graphics and legitimate commentators like Mike Wilbon completely selling out and taking it seriously, so that’s gotta count for something.
MICHAEL JORDAN BRACKET
July 1: (1) Tiger Woods vs (8) Matt Leinart
While Woods has recently been accused of using performance enhancing drugs, Leinart has dehanced his performance by sleeping with Paris Hilton, yet he’s still a rising star. Leinart with the upset.
July 2: (4) Dwyane Wade vs (5) Shaun White
One has boned Lindsay Lohan, the other likes to hang out with fat guys like Charles Barkley and Shaq. Also, Shaun White’s nickname is the Flying Tomato. Wade’s is “*Whistle* Shooting two.” The Tomater advances.
July 3: (2) LaDainian Tomlinson vs (7) David Beckham
THIS IS THE REAL FOOTBALL VERSUS FUTBOL. Beckham’s pretty cool, but he also probably has sex with Tom Cruise. The worst Tomlinson has done is steal someone else’s nickname and complain about the Patriots, which makes him no different from you or I. Going with LDT.
July 4: (3) Steve Nash vs (6) Serena Williams
If this were a pie-eating contest or a bench press contest, you’d have to take Serena. But her Barbaro-like build will not stop the Great White Hope from advancing on the 4th of July…even though he’s not American, I think Canada Day’s around the same time.
MUHAMMAD ALI BRACKET
July 5: (1) Peyton Manning vs (8) Amanda Beard
Manning needs a beard to hide his relationship with Kenny Chesney, Amanda is a Beard. Also, she looks kind of old and like she’s made of crown molding and that Playboy shoot was an artistic jerk-off. Go with the Doofus.
July 6: (4) Dale Earnhardt Jr vs (5) Chuck Liddell
You got knocked the fuck out, Liddell. That said, you’re the only UFC guy here, so I’m casting a vote for you over the redneck, but it’s really for the phenomenally and delightfully insane Quinton “Rampage” Jackson.
July 7: (2) Alex Rodriguez vs (7) Terrell Owens
Who cares. A-Rod’s playing well, relishing in the Yankee mediocrity. T.O. can’t catch now, for whatever reason. They’re both ruining my favorite teams, but at least one is playing well, so go with the one that has the lip gloss of a Bratz doll.
July 8: (3) Kobe Bryant vs (6) Ronaldinho
I know of your Ronaldinho. But I don’t care. Rapey McSurly advances.
BILLIE JEAN KING BRACKET
July 9: (1) LeBron James vs (8) Kelly Slater
I like John from Cincinnati. That said, a surfer will not beat the overhype machine, King James. We are all witnesses to many years of Finals sweeps.
July 10: (4) Jeff Gordon vs (5) Barry Bonds
Jeff Gordon goes vroom. Barry Bonds has other men rub creams on him to make his muscles grow. And his mistress has Shrek’s hands.
July 11: (2) Derek Jeter vs (7) Sidney Crosby
Sidney Crosby plays lacrosse I think, but Derek Jeter, what have you done for me lately? You’re noticeably quiet now that times aren’t so good. Crosby, take your crew team and advance to the next round.
July 12: (3) Reggie Bush vs (6) Danica Patrick
A woman driver? Bah.
BABE RUTH BRACKET
July 13: (1) Tom Brady vs (8) David Ortiz
Ha in your face Boston. One of your idols is going down in the first round of this entirely meaningless tournament. Going with the Dreamboat over King Kong because, let’s be honest, which one do you want to see receive the nude photo shoot that the winner of this tournament gets? (I think that’s the point of this, right?)
July 14: (4) Maria Sharapova vs (5) Vince Young
One can’t read, the other has a sweet ass. That may be too vague. I never liked that Madden commercial where Vince Young said he was doubted all his life. He went #3. Because he was functionally retarded. And he was the favorite to be Rookie of the Year for some. Meanwhile, Sharapova gives a mean BJ, trust me.
July 15: (2) Roger Federer vs (7) Tony Parker
Boring. Also why does Tony Parker make this but Tim Duncan doesn’t? I mean, like, ESPN covers sports right? I’m not saying I like Tim Duncan and yes, Tony Parker’s dating a hot celebrity woman, but like…Tim Duncan’s one of the top 10 players of all time. Because of that, I’ll go with that tennis guy I don’t know too well.
July 16: (3) Shaquille O’Neal vs (6) Michael Phelps
Shaq helps fat kids on a TV show. Why has no one seen the fault in this? Does his regimen involve “Sit around and eat ho-hos”? Or does he have them do really rigorous things while he drinks blended lard mixed with ice cream (a sweet beverage he calls his Muscle Moo Juice)? Either way, going with the Round Mound of Self-Promotion.
So there we have it…all the picks you should be making for this most inconsequential tournament. Let the completely unimportant games begin with a ceremonial lighting of Stuart Scott’s left eye! And, of course, your predictions always welcome in the comments (HINT HINT COMMENT)
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Jun.29.2007 That’s a rough job for a photog
Still, it’s nice to see that people still care about Rocky Dennis.
Derby tip to TMZ.com for ruining any joy I’d get out of Basic Instinct now
Jun.29.2007 Jodie Sweetin may not have Full House, but she has a sweet pair
Why yes I did work for an hour on that headline. From your hero and mine, What Would Tyler Durden Do?, Jodie Sweetin, formerly Stephanie Tanner of Full House fame, is quite large-breasted now. Also, she battled meth addiction, something I completely missed.
February 13, 2005 — Former child star, Jodie Sweetin, recently admitted to the public that she battled a meth addiction for two years. With appearances on Good Morning America and The Big Idea with Donny Deutsch, Sweetin detailed her experience with this dangerous drug and what it took for her to seek treatment.
Sweetin’s acting career came to a pause when Full House went off the air in 1995. In an attempt to live a normal life, Sweetin went to high school and college and got married at age 20 to a police officer, who she says had no idea about her addiction. Sweetin started experimenting with meth during a time in her life when she was “unemployed and bored.” In an effort to pass the time, Sweetin’s experimentation soon became a daily habit, which eventually destroyed her marriage and caused enough concern from her former “Full House” cast mates to stage an intervention.
Wow she looked like a blimp in that link above too. I thought meth made you thin. Anyway, she’s now at the end of the road to recovery (or maybe back on meth since she lost a lot of weight it seems), and looks like a B-grade porn starlet rather than just a former child star addicted to meth. Many would say that’s a lateral move, but to those people, I say, “Look at those tittays.”
When reached for comment, Dave Coulier said, “Mooooooooooootorbooooooooooat” like Bullwinkle might, then made a wacky sound and darted away.
Jun.29.2007 MIDGET FRIDAY: Terra Jole, the Britney midget, is back!
Via TMZ.com (clearly), here’s video of America’s Sweetheartdget, Terra Jole, whom you might remember from a post here about her spending time with Lindsay Lohan. Anyway, she’s back, dancing!
Shake that disproportionate midget butt! It’s like she got diapers on dawg!
Jun.29.2007 Bites of Hilarity: No Mushmouth Negroing Here.
Things you shouldn’t know because The Man doesn’t like it when you’re strong and knowledgeable.
–Isaiah Washington is PROUD BLACK MAN now after being KOWTOWING APOLOGETIC BLACK MAN for many months.
“Well, it didn’t help me on the set that I was a black man who wasn’t a mush-mouth Negro walking around with his head in his hands all the time. I didn’t speak like I’d just left the plantation and that can be a problem for people sometime,” he says. “I had a person in human resources tell me after this thing played out that ’some people’ were afraid of me around the studio. I asked her why, because I’m a 6-foot-1, black man with dark skin and who doesn’t go around saying ‘Yessah, massa sir’ and ‘No sir, massa’ to everyone? It’s nuts when your presence alone can just scare people, and that made me a prime candidate to take the heat in a dysfunctional family.’’
MY BLACKNESS AND INTELLIGENCE IS TOO MUCH FOR YOU AND YOUR SHOW FOR WHITE WOMEN, HUH. *fist in the air* WHATEVER. I’M GOING TO AT LEAST WIN BACK THE BLACK AUDIENCE BY ACTING LIKE THIS WAS A RACE THING. WASH-DAWG OUT…SEE YOU AT THE BET AWARDS
–ESPN commentator Stephen A. Smith is known for his boisterous verbiage and tone and ability to blow out even the strongest speaker. The video above comes from the Stephen A. Smith Heckling Society of Gentlemen, who made some waves with a similar video last year. All you need to know is there’s a sock puppet, a Stephen A. impression, Joakim Noah assaulting the puppet, and much more. Best six minutes you’ll have today.
–Namibia likes to party because some study said they drink 30 bottles of beer weekly. This is stunning to me. I’m seriously shocked. I didn’t even know they had bottles in Namibia.
Jun.29.2007 People “Happy” to “report ‘news’”
What’s newsworthy is often a big debate. Paris Hilton’s release from jail received pages and pages of ink and hours of TV, but the war in Iraq goes blissfully unignored other than the headiest media organizations. Fortunately, People Magazine has no such hindrances. One of their top headlines today: Tom Cruise ‘Happy’ About Beckhams’ Move to L.A..
How does Tom Cruise feel about David and Victoria Beckham’s upcoming move to Los Angeles?
“I’m very happy about that,” he told PEOPLE Thursday in Amsterdam.
Asked if he thinks the soccer player and his wife will become big Hollywood stars, Cruise, 44, replied: “They already are.”
Oh wow, really! He’s happy, folks! This is important! This is the kind of gossip I need in my life! Supportive, vague, happy gossip is always the best kind!
In related news, Cruise “enjoys” blumpkins from strange European men. Katie Holmes is “excited” to be carrying the “seed” of “Tom Cruise” once again. She also “denies” claims of being “brainwashed.” David Beckham “loves” to reenact the egg scene from Risky Business with “Tom Cruise” only with his scrotum “in place of” the expensive egg. Saucy!
Jun.28.2007 The Blog of Hilarity Half-assed NBA Liveblog (with video!)
I’m not nearly qualified or researched enough to bring you a real liveblog of why people screwed up their picks. If you want one of those, I recommend the awesome Bethlehem Shoals covering for Deadspin and AwfulAnnouncing’s liveblog (who also did a fine mock draft involving many bloggers, including one particular handsome pseudo sports blogger). But I’m here to goof on anything and everything that amuses me and quickly cap and post photos/YouTube of all your favorite absurd moments.
It’s 6:55PM EST right now and we’re off in a couple minutes, so check back periodically to see what I can muster up…
ED. NOTE: YouTube’s being a Knut so the clips are on their way, just not as quickly as I’d like. Enjoy the placeholders of “In this clip…” for the next couple minutes.
In this first clip…
7:01PM Gee, is Lenovo a sponsor?
7:02PM Oh God Joakim Noah has surpassed all expectations of what gay thing he would do….how could he think dressing like Farnsworth Bentley was a good idea?
Also apparently Farnsworth is going by Fonzworth now. I need to receive memos about this sort of thing.
In this clip..
7:16PM Greg Oden and Mike Conley are kind of gay, er, good friends, and they like to boogie.
In this clip..
7:24PM Joakim Noah explains his awful choice of fashion. Michelle Tafoya (Lisa Salters…whatever, I call her Michelle Tafoya) says she likes it. Noah’s representing New York.
New York, when reached for comment, spat in my face and demanded we not acknowledge Noah’s existence.
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