May.31.2007 Shocker, CNN.com’s bloggers have outdated views
All of our top starlets are having problems managing their lives. Fortunately, CNN’s Showbiz Tonight producer Dave Levine is there with a view that’s completely logical and analogous since rich, hot, young women clearly respond the same way that men with doting Jewish mothers do.
So my mother, Rita, was in town visiting last week. Just as she always does, she pummeled me with her usual questions.
“Are you eating enough? You look a little thin.”
“Oh, Ma!” I said.
“You look a little tired. Are you getting enough sleep?”
“Oh, Ma!” I said.
“And are you still working so much?”
“Oh, Ma!” I said.
And as always, her reply: “Don’t ‘Oh, Ma’ me! I’m still your mother!”
I have to wonder whether Lindsay Lohan’s mother does the same thing. And Paris Hilton’s mother. And Britney Spears’ mother. Because one of the questions that keeps up coming up — as “Young Hollywood” melts down so fast, it’s as if global warming has taken hold in Hollywood — is this: WHERE ARE THE MOTHERS?
Yes, I’m sure Dave Levine being incapable of finding a nice Jewish girl (or being unable to stop finding nice flamboyant men) could be solved by a bit of yenta doting. Hey Lindsay Lohan, got an OxyContin addiction? “You should find a nice husband.” Nicole Richie, too thin? “Eat, eat, you’re nothing but skin and bones.” Paris Hilton, scared of having a potentially volatile cellmate? “Why don’t you stop putzing around and shank her?”
Yes, I’m sure hey would listen to passive aggressive words that are phrased like Yoda’s saying them. They totally wouldn’t just go “Whatever bitch” and go blow Joel Madden or some other scuzzy rock guy. Please send your mother over to Busta Rhymes as well for his problems. Then we can have a theatrical comedy befitting the most ardent fans of mismatched comedy duos. They could even solve a crime about a fellow rapper’s disappearance! Hijinks abound!!!
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May.30.2007 Jordin Sparks: I Like My Curves, Big Macs
Blah blah healthy body image blah blah female empowerment et cetera, yes I know this is going to sound mean, but jeez, if American Idol is going to be as big it is, I want a complete trainwreck like Sanjaya or a cutie like Carrie Underwood or Kelly Clarkson, sans-Sizzler. I don’t want a girl who looks more like a linebacker than her NFL player father did.
At 5′10″ and size 12 by the time she was in junior high school, “I stood out everywhere,” says Jordin, who use to hunch, wear oversize clothing and search in vain for her size at teen mall stores. “I’d look at my friends who were just naturally tiny, and maybe they weren’t even a size 2, but they were smaller than me and that was good enough. I was like, ‘Oh, why can’t I look like that?’ ”
Jordin tried dieting every now and then, but failed because, she says, giggling, “I like food too much to do it. I would try, like, ‘Hey I’m going to diet and I’ll be a size 8 by the end of the summer,’ but it never worked out.”
Well, they say you need to dream big. She might be a great singer (she’s not) and she might be beautiful (not really, only under certain lights), but, well…I don’t know where I’m going with this point.
These days, “I’m really comfortable in my own skin,” Jordin says with her signature wide smile. “I learned that I’m not ever going to be a size 2. I would look so weird as a size 2. Somebody would blow and I would fall right over. It just wouldn’t be healthy.”
One would be hard-pressed not to be comfortable in her skin. It’s so baggy and fluffy, like your favorite sweatshirt.
On a non-misogynistic note, Room Tone’s latest issue is now up. You should be reading it. If you’re not, Jordin Sparks will come over from Tokyo and fight Mothra to the death on top of your home. And you don’t want that.
May.30.2007 Let’s remember the real victims: The Duke Lacrosse Team
Many times, people like to applaud the courage of people under extreme duress like the victims of a tragedy or scientists finding a cure for a disease like the bird flu that’s loomed over us for a year. But let’s not forget the real heroes: The predominantly rich white athletes playing a sport that most Americans can’t afford to play or even learn how to who have an alum pay for a full-page ad in USA Today.
Since the text in my highly professional image is a little small, here it is…
For a team very few people stood by, how about a standing ovation?
Here’s something you haven’t seen much of lately: Congratulatory praise for a team that has been the focus of one of the most unfair, unforgiving, and unfortunate media spectacles in sports history. But it’s never too late to give a little credit where more than a little credit is due. Against all odds, this year’s Duke Men’s Lacrosse Blue Devils banded together as a team, kept their focus on the field and went 17-3 for the season. They took the ACC Championship, and even earned their place in the NCAA National Championship final game. Off the field, they scored pretty well, too: A team GPA of 3.4 and a 100% graduation rate for the fourth yeear in a row. Not to mention, over 570 community-service hours logged on behalf of worthy organizations like the Ronald McDonald House. On behalf of former Duke University athletes, friends, and supporters, we salute this outstanding -not to mention, upstanding- lacrosse team and their families for standing tall.
Congratulations Duke Men’s Lacrosse Team and their families.
Bob Pascal (Duke class of ‘57) and Family
Nothing makes me want to celebrate the almost-triumph of a team in an almost-sport quite like a self-congratulatory ad that very few other alums would have the arrogance to take out that also undoubtedly cost a significant amount of money. The current incarnation of the team certainly did nothing wrong, but jeez, maybe let the media say it, as Jason Whitlock did, rather than being in a position of advantage and using that to pat yourselves on the back?
At the very least, thanks to Bob Pascal, we can be reminded of why we feel what we all really feel about Duke rather than have our feelings clouded by a misinformed, overbearing media swarm over false accusations. Thanks Bob!
May.29.2007 Bites of Hilarity: Virtual women are hurtful too
Things you should know while contemplating the ramifications of urinating on the cubicle of the person next to you…
–InformationWeek has an awfully disturbing piece about sex in that-thing-the-news-likes-to-write about-but-no-one-I-know-has-ever-seen, Second Life.
Tiffany Widdershins: in fact, a lot of the guys here fall in love with me…
Tiffany Widdershins: I am not about to get attached to a guy who actually has cartoon sex
Tiffany Widdershins: lol
Tiffany Widdershins: at the end of the day, he could be the nicest guy on earth, but he hired me for cartoon sex
Tiffany Widdershins: and I am exploiting that
Tiffany Widdershins: not looking for love… lol
Tiffany Widdershins: so it’s sad when they fall in love
Cyber escorts. So like us.
–That guy who is protecting your Acme Dynamite Plant may be functionally retarded and you’re too cheap to hire someone better. His reaction? To blame you for employing him, so now he’s not going to work as hard. Thanks for that, guys.
–Miss Kazakhstan Gauhkar Rakhmetalieva declares that the world should await their theatrical reply to Borat. My response? I’m hoping it rhymes with “Blaukhar Cockhmetalieva Hex Cape”…she’s surprisingly hot.
May.29.2007 Allison Stokke does not want your cyber cat calls
The Internet is a powerful medium. And apparently, if you’re a nubile 18 year-old who’s a skilled pole vaulter and not a big fan of attention, your worst nightmare in what could ultimately be a war cry for Internet accountability.
The wave of attention has steamrolled Stokke and her family in Newport Beach, Calif. She is recognized — and stared at — in coffee shops. She locks her doors and tries not to leave the house alone. Her father, Allan Stokke, comes home from his job as a lawyer and searches the Internet. He reads message boards and tries to pick out potential stalkers.
The picture was taken by a track and field journalist and posted as part of a report on a California prep track Web site. The photo was hardly sexually explicit, which made Ufford’s decision to post it even easier. At 5 feet 7, Stokke has smooth, olive-colored skin and toned muscles. In the photo, her vaulting pole rests on her right shoulder. Her right hand appears to be adjusting the elastic band on her ponytail. Her spandex uniform — black shorts and a white tank top that are standard for a track athlete — reveals a bare midriff.
Jeez, it almost sounds like the writer here is writing some sort of barely legal fan-fiction. Anyway, here’s the “offending” post that started the snowball on the awesome site WithLeather.com… which seems to be catching a lot of flack for this. This is, potentially, another big story on the rallying against the Wild Wild West nature on the Internet. In fact, I think the removed photos on that WithLeather post is the one I have above.
My gut instinct and desire to be able to express myself creatively and usually in humor would put me in WithLeather/Matt Ufford’s camp here. This seems like the kind of thing that the older, less tech-savvy people would rally against…someone using an image that’s been put out in the universe through the Web that, even though it may be common practice, has a disapproving face behind it, unlike Jenn Sterger, who milked a similar situation (nothing against her) for everything it was worth. The image of Allison isn’t hard to find…I found the image through a quick Google Image Search of Allison’s name, but she clearly isn’t soliciting attention like Sterger was.
The question is though, is it right? Allison’s not a celebrity. She’s an amateur athlete with public information out there. Yes, she’s attractive, but does that make this situation any different than posting a photo you take of a hot girl on the street?
It’s kind of a dicey area and one worth following. It seems like Allison and her family, seemingly mostly her father, are trying to get the story out there to point out a problem, but in actuality, it’ll only give it more weight and thrust her more into the spotlight. This is one worth following…
May.28.2007 Happy Memorial Day. Here’s things!
It’s Memorial Day and I’m going to be going out driving with my new ladyfriend Lindsay Lohan. She’s very excitable and enthusiastic though quite adamant on the fact that I need to put this bag of flour she has into the trunk of the car rather than leaving it sitting in the back seat. To each their own, I suppose.
Due to a link from glorious blog leader Deadspin, there’s an abundance of extra visitors yesterday and today. So if you’re new to this site and are avoiding the barbecue or beach today, I’ll throw out these three posts as ones to read, since they’re some of the more popular ones. If you’re not hooked, then…I don’t know…maybe I should try harder?
–An interview with Farfur the Martyr Mouse, of Palestinian TV fame.
–The trials and tribulations of “Subway Superman” Wesley Autrey
Back tomorrow morning. Leave me your favorite kind of phallic meat item in the comments below.
May.26.2007 UFC 71…A liveblog of punch-based athletics
Checking in periodically live from the scenic Blog of Hilarity Headquarters where there’s hi-def UFC on the TV, eaten Mexican food, and disgustingly stuffy air on a humid official beginning of Summer…
Boom! What’d you think I forgot? It’s a liveblog of tonight’s Ultimate Fighting Championship: 71 in which some guys are fighting, other guys are fighting, and other guys will win those fights, by either knockout, submission, ref stoppage, or decision.
The card’s featuring Chuck Liddell of ESPN the Magazine, Entourage, and American Casino…mostly the first two…fame against Quinton “Rampage ” Jackson amongst some other guys you probably know or vaguely know.
10:12pm
And we’re off with the fine gentleman featured above looking terrified of Anderson Silva (l.), Chris Leben. Who comes out to Tupac. And seems to take about 3 minutes. And who’s behind him but Adam Sandler, slightly better dressed than I am in a pair of basketball shorts and wifebeater (it’s hot…don’t judge).
Michael Buffer - 1 Chromosome + A bit of UPN= Bruce Buffer
10:17pm
There’s supreme athletes, there’s talented underachievers…and then there’s Chris Leben, who just fell on his back while going for a kick in the beginning of his match against Kalib Starnes. Nothing screams “the best athletes in the world,” as Dana White claimed, like an awkward, schlubby guy with red hair who has an uninitiated fall.
10:24pm
Chris Leben turns falling down into an art. He falls with such power, whether slipping as though he stepped on a cartoon banana peel or where being violently punched down by Kalib Starnes If falling down were an athletic event, Leben could legitimately be called an athlete, as opposed to know, in which he’s, in scientific terms, a douchebag.
10:27pm
Adam Sandler and Kevin James back on the TV. They’re clearly just there to promote their new movie, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry since Sandler looks bored out of his mind. Conversely, Kevin James looks like a big fan of UFC nnouncer Mike Goldberg.
10:30pm
Leben daintily kicks Barnes in the stomach, who collapses and wraps his legs around Leben. This is not unlike how I play with my cat, Nilla.
10:33pm
While they roll around on the ground pawing at each other, a quick search on Starnes shows that he…
# Starnes is an avid reader of poetry and linguistics.
# Likes to participate in spoken-word competitions.
# Lists Noam Chomsky and Howard Zinn among his favorite writers.
Conversely, Leben enjoys the antics of Twinkie the Kid.
10:34pm
Mandy Moore is here. She is attractive. Seeing her in a cut right after Chris Leben is like seeing a beautiful doe drinking from a river next to a fat guy in a stained t-shirt eating cheetos while rubbing his taint and sniffing his fingers.
10:36pm
Starnes wins, his love of the spoken word comes through in his interview. Chris Leben says (more like slurs out) that he doesn’t care about scores, he cares about what the fans think and they love him. They then lustily boo him. Mike Goldberg commends Starnes for his class in victory then segues into another shot of Mandy Moore clapping. While that doesn’t make sense in theory, I can’t complain.
10:40pm
Candi Jones, pictured below, is your new Xyience girl. She beat out a bunch of other girls who look like strippers. Her prize is a fight against Randy Couture, best of luck to her.
10:42pm
Houston Alexander, fighting Keith Jardine, comes out with a plain white t-shirt that reads:
Warrior Wear
Info USA
MickDoyle.com
Big Brain
Midwest Customs
GNC Lakeside in Omaha, NE
MickDoyle.com’s conversation with Mookie and Michelle is oddly compelling.
10:46pm
Room Tone’s Managing Editor Tomas and I are seriously contemplating looking to buying an ad on a fighter. I feel like a spot on some random a-hole’s t-shirt can’t cost me more than 300 bucks and a Coors Light.
10:49pm
Houston Alexander, a huge underdog, just beat down Keith Jardine like this was jail. Holy crap. The announcer’s really shat on Alexander and he just said, “Hey, I can punch dudes too.” Mick Doyle couldn’t be any prouder.
10:50pm
Joe Rogan, who is inexplicably likable and well-respected in this venue, mentions that Jardine was annoyed he had to fight a nobody like Alexander. Alexander declares Nebraska’s in the building. Well, that explains why I was just raped by Lawrence Phillips.
10:56pm
Houston Alexander’s pretty interesting. He was fighting in the underground fight clubs in Iowa (what?) while working at a hip-hop station in Omaha (huh?). Wow. The Midwest. Anyway he was offered up this slot against Jardine basically to be a tomato can. And knocked him the f*ck out. That was awesome but it’s ridiculous how these “top guys” don’t win…as I mentioned earlier this week.
The liveblog goes on…after the jump, so clicky clicky.
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