Apr.30.2007 India’s social choices amuse me
I always thought marriage was some sort of sacred union between two people who love each other and yada yada entrapment, half your possessions, etc. Leave it to India to figure out what the deal really is…just something you do so you can have kids in a somewhat normal setting and so that a woman doesn’t have to work. And, yes, also realize that men are completely interchangeable in the equation, so long as the money is right.
Villagers at a wedding in eastern India decided the groom had arrived too drunk to get married, and so the bride married the groom’s more sober brother instead, police said Monday.
“The groom was drunk and had reportedly misbehaved with guests when the bride’s family and local villagers chased him away,” Madho Singh, a senior police officer told Reuters after Sunday’s marriage in a village in Bihar state’s Arwal district.
The younger brother readily agreed to take the groom’s place beside the teenage bride at her family’s invitation, witnesses said.
At least they’re up front about it. One thing kind of confuses me though…isn’t India at the forefront of emerging economy? If so, why are there villagers chasing drunken grooms away with pitchforks? And why did they chase him away? He was drunk, not Frankenstein. Or, if he was Frankenstein, maybe you shouldn’t have agreed to let your daughter marry Frankenstein in the first place. It tends to be a bit shortsighted to sell your daughter’s hand in marriage to the parents of something made of corpses and electricity. And sure, his brother Frankenberry looks great now in comparison, but wait until she comes home to find him in a compromising position with Count Chocula.
Long story short, I don’t like curry, Sallie Mae’s customer support, and Frankensteins. And that’s why I shan’t be having an Indian child. That and genetics.
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Apr.28.2007 I have been taken out of context
In general, I’ve always felt as though the whole “I’ve been misquoted” angle is a bit disingenuous. If you words have a degree of craft to them, then it shouldn’t be a problem. But my OUTRAGE knows no bounds. You may have seen a, dare I say, masterpiece I wrote about a male sportswriter for the LA Times undergoing a sex change. Well apparently, my comments are getting pickup on some homosexual/transsexual/transgender websites. Let me preface this by saying that I’m for gay marriage, for people doing what makes them happy, but this is a humor-based news blog and I have to bash homosexuals for a minute here, so bare with me.
I said this:
The thing is, I doubt his family and friends were shocked though. I mean, I don’t know Mike Penner, but just from his writing, you could tell something was amiss.
Perhaps Mike’s article This hot dog idea is all soggy sufficiently sums up his thoughts on what being a man is all about.
And the response from one site nexy’s cocoon, which is some sort of general interest homosexual blog, was this:
chris doesn’t seem very supportive…
because all “real men” can “tell” if something is amiss. and if you find yourself attracted to someone who turns out to be trans, and didn’t realize it, well the natural reaction is to throw up. or just kill the freak, as so many trans people have discovered.
Well, allow me to rebut (lolnotlikethat!)
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Apr.27.2007 Even female athletes are getting arrested now
When I think of the WNBA, I think of women like Rosie O’Donnell. I think of fundamentals, athleticism, and female empowerment. I think of beautiful, but respectable and professional flowers. I don’t think of this…criminality!
WNBA player Deanna Jackson was arrested on an assault charge after slugging an opposing player in a parking lot following a game, and will not be allowed to leave Israel until after the Chicago Sky’s preseason opener.
She was arrested Wednesday night after attacking Ina Gourevitch, an Elitzur Ramle guard, following the league championship game won 81-68 by Ramle. In the closing minutes of the game, Jackson and Gourevitch got into a skirmish and shouted insults at each other.
Police spokesman Micky Rosenfeld said the 27-year-old Jackson was arrested and her passport was confiscated. She had been slated to leave Israel the following morning to join the Sky, whose first preseason game is Wednesday at home against Phoenix.
Shameful. Jackson, the sexy lady on the right in the picture above, should know that you have to be a good, relevant, male athlete to get away with such shenanigans. Then you can be caught smuggling pot inside of 10 year-olds and still get a quick return to the team.
Really though, the people I weep for the most are her teammates. How can the Chicago Sky make an impact and continue their crisp style of basketball without Jackson there for preseason? It’s selfish to deprive her team, and the world at large who tune into WNBA games in the millions, of seeing a collective group of top-flight athletes like women’s basketball players performing at 100%. What chance will the Sky have competing against other incredibly talented, superior female athletes on the other WNBA teams, as they shoot the ball, make crisp passes and scintillating dunks?
Shame on you Ms. Jackson. Our beloved women’s basketball will never be the same.
Apr.26.2007 No of course this won’t affect your career
I’m a prominent sportswriter with a lot of pick-up across the country, including some of the top newspapers around like the LA Times, the Chicago Tribune, and many more. I often rely on the respect of my male athlete subjects, who often are so caught up in their machismo world that they have no respect or tolerance for others’ lifestyle choices/preferences (depending on how you view it). What would be an ideal thing for me to do? Get a sex change!
The tastier nuggets…
I understand that I am not the only one in transition as I move from Mike to Christine. Everyone who knows me and my work will be transitioning as well. That will take time. And that’s all right.
Recent studies have shown that such physiological factors as genetics and hormonal fluctuations during pregnancy can significantly affect how our brains are “wired” at birth.
As extensive therapy and testing have confirmed, my brain was wired female.
Painfully and reluctantly, I began the coming-out process a few months ago. To my everlasting amazement, friends and colleagues almost universally have been supportive and encouraging, often breaking the tension with good-natured doses of humor.
When I told my boss Randy Harvey, he leaned back in his chair, looked through his office window to scan the newsroom and mused, “Well, no one can ever say we don’t have diversity on this staff.”
Yes, that sounds totally tolerant and supportive and not the reply of a man thinking, “Oh shit, I can’t fire this lunatic.” Whether or not that assessment is accurate is debatable by some, I guess. But this logic probably is not:
Transsexualism is a complicated and widely misunderstood medical condition. It is a natural occurrence — unusual, no question, but natural.
Nothing says “natural” to me quite like the notion of flipping my genitals inside out and using my scrotal skin to form a horrendous replica of the female anatomy, not to mention draining my body of testosterone while pumping it chock-full of estrogen. Ah, it’s as earthly as drinking water from a stream.
The uniqueness/absurdity of this is definitely something people are noticing, as the article is the most viewed and most emailed on the Times’ site right now. It’s really getting out there and would be a bit odd to see if you know Mike Penner. The thing is, I doubt his family and friends were shocked though. I mean, I don’t know Mike Penner, but just from his writing, you could tell something was amiss.
Perhaps Mike’s article This hot dog idea is all soggy sufficiently sums up his thoughts on what being a man is all about.
Apr.25.2007 Hey Look What I See: My Viral Marketing Has Relapsed
Yesterday afternoon, I was standing on a street corner in the Bronx waiting for the light to change. I wanted lunch, and I had a deep yearning for some rice and chicken. When the light put its hand down and invited me to walk, I couldn’t move. A sole man among a group crossing toward me caught my intention. He was an older gentleman with a hefty build and rough exterior. He walked like a man who wanted to pound the ground, but his clothes gave him away. He wore a white tanktop with a heart on it. I thought it was an odd but whimsical fashion choice, especially for a fat guy in the Bronx at midday. I was confused.
No, not like that. As it was, the heart said something that was at first hard to make out, but became legible when I finally started moving toward the opposite street corner:
The man had a message for yesterday: no matter how long it took, how much time needed to elapse for the buzz to blow over, or where he needed to go to make it happen; this man would make sure that two-timing cad would pay for jilting Brittany Snow and Ashanti. I looked into the man’s and I understood. If I were Jesse Metcalf, I would be laying low.
Apr.25.2007 “Is that a burrito in your pocket or do you want to forcibly fondle me?”
In a perfect storm of absurdity and sexual assault, Captain America groped a woman’s “private area” last night at a drunken party.
A doctor in a Captain America costume went from superhero to super villain when he stuffed a burrito in his tights and groped a woman in a bar, cops said.
The red-white-and-blue-clad “captain” allegedly staggered up to a woman, pointed out the Mexican delicacy in his spandex pants and grabbed her in a private place.
Well, I definitely see the comedy in that. But sexual assault isn’t funny to many people. Neither is getting a Mexican delicacy in your pants (a fate I know all too well from when I served a stint in a Tijuana prison). So yes, I see both sides. I even see the deeper socioeconomic message the good Doc was trying to make. He was subtly protesting immigration laws, showing that Mexican products are invading even the most intimate, inherently American areas. But even the staunchest critic of offensive comedy could see the humor in this…
Police had trouble finding the real perp because so many of the other doctors at the party were also dressed as Captain America.
The officers had to take everyone dressed as the patriotic hero - at least five revelers - out of the bar and place them in an impromptu line-up.
What better way to salute a recently fallen hero than to dress up as him, shove a burrito in your pants, and start groping away at innocent female partygoers. That’s just one of the freedoms Captain America fought so hard to defend. God Bless America!
Apr.24.2007 Scarlett busts her ass; I’d still like to bust in it
Video of Scarlett Johansson wiping out after hosting SNL this week (hence the clip being dubbed “Saturday Night Dive” haw haw haw).
It’s bad enough falling like that as a nobody in the middle of the street. As a hot girl with a reputation to uphold and a fairly serious veneer, that’s just rough. She may have damaged herself a bit…she apparently missed some big Vanity Fair/Christian Dior party.
In this, Scarlett’s time of need, let us pray for her sweet bosoms. If something happens to her sweet jubblies, I don’t know what I’ll do. I hadn’t been so close to masturbating to an episode of SNL since Jimmy Fallon was on it. I mean…what? Look over there, Scarlett’s boobs!
