Mar.30.2007 Georgetown’s really gay for this dog
The Washington Post has an article up looking at Georgetown’s love of the school’s bulldog mascot Jack that, apparently, must make the guy dressed up in the Hoya mascot suit feel completely inadequate.
A lot has been said about family legacies on the Hoyas team, which plays Ohio State tomorrow in Atlanta. Jack is one more celebrity with a proud Georgetown lineage: A forefather paced the sidelines during Patrick Ewing and John Thompson Jr.’s day. Now, as Ewing and Thompson’s sons arrive for games, Jack swaggers into the arena with them.
Look at who thinks he’s hot shit because he’s had everything handed to him on a silver platter. A million dogs can do your job, Jack. Scooby Doo had to earn every break he ever got but does he get feature articles in well-known newspapers? No. All he gets is comically large sandwiches which, while also rewarding, is far less prestigious.
“Everyone loves Jack,” said Walid Khaliseh, 20, a student from Jordan who walks him. Take him to a game-viewing party, and everyone stops watching to play with Jack, he said. Take him to a concert, and everyone stops listening to the singers.
Jack expects the attention.
Around campus, students often run up to pet him. “People are saying, ‘Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack!’ ” said [junior Chris] Seneca, who has been walking him for a few years now. “He keeps walking, doesn’t even acknowledge it.”
Yeah, sure Jack, forget about the people who made you what you are. You ride around in your little golfcart thinking you’re so great but one day soon, you’ll be replaced by a handsomer more youthful version, eager to please the legions of Georgetown students, alums, and fans. You crapping on the baseline is cute now, but when you’re a wrinkly (well, wrinklier) shell of your former self, we’ll see how long you can rest on your laurels of legacy and fame.
Something about unappreciative famous dogs just bothers me. Perhaps because their owners roll in riches while I remain unable to capitalize on my cat’s stage presence and charisma is the driving force behind my contempt. And her skills in licking her own crotch are unparalleled! Animal agents, I await your call.
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Mar.29.2007 Winnie the Pooh is going to be soooo pissed
Honeybees are dying everywhere and people who care about that sort of thing don’t know why for sure.
Beekeepers throughout the United States have been losing between 50 and 90 percent of their honeybees over the past six months, perplexing scientists, driving honey prices higher and threatening fruit and vegetable production.
At a House Agricultural Subcommittee hearing in Washington, D.C. today, members of various organizations came together to share their concerns about what they have been calling the “Colony Collapse Disorder,” or CCD.
Or, as it’s also known, “What the f*ck is up with the bees? Ah well, if we call it a disorder, it’ll like we know”…itis. Some guy who probably talks far too much about bees in settings where it’s not socially acceptable (”Hey beautiful, your body is as banging as the thorax of an ovulating Queen Bee with a dash of pheromone splashing upon my face”) said it might be due to stress on them that is suppressing the bees’ immune system. Or perhaps too much gay bee sex.
Perhaps the reason so many bees are dying is because they’re forced to pose with black Racecar drivers. The rarity of that is more than enough to make any simple spokesbee’s head explode.
Mar.27.2007 Turtles make great whores
How does Warner Bros argue criticism that the Ninja Turtles movie was creatively bankrupt and made to cash in on licensing? By pushing their noses into the air and saying “Au contraire, the toys’ success made us want to make a movie!”
“The toys were selling and there was a resurgence of interest among young people who have seen reruns or purchased the toys,” [Warner's Distribution Chief Dan] Fellman told the Los Angeles Daily News, which noted that, with last weekend’s success of TMNT, Warner Bros. had pulled off a “hat trick” that included revivals of their Superman and Batman franchises. Paul Dergarabedian, president of box-office trackers Media by Numbers, told the newspaper: “It’s not an easy task to reinvent and retool a franchise. … You are dealing with a lot of built-in expectations and you are also dealing with a bias, in a way, against it. People think it’s been so long, that [it's] dead.”
Awesome…honestly, I’m really easily entertained by things good, things bad, I can usually get some enjoyment out of things whether it’s laughing with or at them. But with this and the Geico caveman and all kinds of other shows/movies that exist as a cross-promotional vehicle ratheer than something meant to be creative or entertaining, it breaks my heart. Especially when the Ninja Turtles have something to do with it.
Rafael, Donatello, Leonardo, and Michaelangelo were my favorite animated/occasionally rubber-suited heroes as a child and now, seeing them bastardized makes me sad. I’d expect this kind of money-making drivel from the Samurai Pizza Cats, but not my beloved Turtles. Sure, the Turtles made movies, had countless licenses (including everything from toothpaste to bath gel to Elio’s pizza to a card game)…they even had a musical/live-performance show at one point…wow these Turtles really were shills huh? I guess I just never realized it. Carry on, Warner Bros. Another golden toilet for the Turtles’ pimp/agent Splinter, I suppose.
Mar.26.2007 YouTube Awards take place, Eddie Murphy walks out after losing to “Squirrel on Skis”
Apologies for the lack of consistent updates lately. It’s been two-fold: my job is at its busiest at this time of year and they have the temerity to ask me to do work; and I’m not finding anything interesting to write about lately. But fortunately, at a time where all the news is war, gas prices, and celebrifeuds, we have the much anticipated YouTube Awards. Though there is no physical presentation of the awards, I like to imagine they’d look like the image below.
“These individuals put the first stitches in the fabric of the YouTube community,” said Jamie Byrne, head of product marketing for YouTube.
“Instead of seeing a way to share videos, they saw an opportunity for worldwide visibility and through their success have changed the landscape of how a ’star’ is defined.”
A little bit overblown given the fact that most of the amateur winners A) made no money off of this while Byrne probably got a 20-million dollar bonus as a result of the Google buyout and B) are one-note Internet geeks who probably won’t be able to parlay the YouTube success into much more. YouTube fame is the worst kind of fame…no revenue sharing (as a result mostly likely you make nothing off your work), no career path, no sex (come on, what attractive girls would sleep with you because you made a wacky Internet video? Ones who need higher standards, that’s who). The main appeal is being a “someone” in some form of society.
Maybe I’m just naive or behind the curve (a total possibility since the last incarnation of this blog had up to a couple thousand visitors a day before the blog boom and I parlayed that into approximately zero dollars and zero cents). I just fail to see how “Ask a Ninja” could have any staying power.
I don’t really have any questions for ninjas though. I had all my pertinent ninja questions answered many moons ago by a teenage turtle with mutant influences at the opening of a local toy store. He taught me how to live life to the fullest and, more importantly, how to love.
Mar.22.2007 How to lose a set of keys in one day
The biggest news item of the day has nothing to do with Wars in Iraq, Presidential elections, College Basketball, or a dead celeb.
I lost my fucking keys. Like, first thing in the morning (my laptop bag was open and everything fell so, logically, that’s when it happened). Any attempts at providing humorous spins on the “news,” particularly after a long day that ended with me waiting outside for a roommate to come home due to lack of keys, would be superficial and disrespectful to my keys. Rest in peace, keys. Taz keychain, I had you since I was 8. You’re terrific. Despite your peeled belly and broken feet, you stayed on the ring for most of my life. Key Food card, you were a newer addition to the fold but gave me a great gift: savings. And reward points I could never use.
Let me also not forget the keychains that came and left the keys to fend for themselves. Kenny from South Park, who broke off his poorly attached chain. The NY license plate with my name on it was robbed and brutally raped (or it broke off, I can’t quite remember).
Oh keys, I never realized how much I loved you until you were gone and then noticed many hours later. Dammit.
Mar.20.2007 10-percent more illin’ than Google
Via Defamer, there’s a hot new trend amongst the shady Internet marketing types that involves wrapping a normal search engine with something promoting a celeb du jour’s latest project. Finally, the wealth of knowledge that is K-fed can tell me where to find everything I need to know.
Every time you search the web you stand a chance of winning a prize from Kevin Federline. It’s that simple. Really.
Win a chance to attend Kevin’s private birthday celebrations in Los Angeles (March 21) or Las Vegas (March 24). Search and win sweepstakes entries every single day, the more entries you earn, the better chance you have of winning. 5 pairs of winners will be selected by random on March 19th. Travel and hotel accommodations is not included. Winners will be notified by email and then given instructions where to pick up their tickets. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity - good luck and happy searching!
I find this business model to be pretty smart, actually. You don’t do any real work since it’s a Yahoo search engine. You don’t have to spend much money since the prize is a party that would already happen. You’re basically just paying for Kevin Federline’s image (if he’s not doing this for promotional reasons) and the cost of saving some “Playing with Fire” CDs from the garbage dumps. All in all, probably ten dollars. A pittance to pay for some time spent searching pictures of Britney Spears back when she was hot on a Federline-branded search engine. Irony like that cannot be quantified in mere dollars and cents.
Mar.16.2007 It doesn’t reflect well on you when you have to tell people you’re not dead
You know, this blog tends to be a bit of a general interest one, involving topics from all walks of life…a fancy way to say, “We write about things that entertain us rather than focus on just one thing and totally say, ‘Fuck the proven blog revenue business model.’” If we did have to focus on just one subject though, I think it would be the Internet as an emerging media and news items related to that. Even Wikipedia is apparently getting ink in the AP for someone incorrectly writing that noted hack comedian Sinbad had died.
Actor-comedian Sinbad had the last laugh after his Wikipedia entry announced he was dead, the performer said Thursday. Rumors began circulating Saturday regarding the posting, said Sinbad, who first got a telephone call from his daughter. The gossip quieted, but a few days later the 50-year-old entertainer said the phone calls, text messages and e-mails started pouring in by the hundreds.
“Saturday I rose from the dead and then died again,” the Los Angeles-based entertainer told The Associated Press in a phone interview.
Sure, Wikipedia is a beacon of incredible inaccuracy and misrepresentation, but come on. Hundreds of people calling/texting Sinbad about his death, as reported on a publicly editable site? Do you think 100 people have even looked at Sinbad’s entry on Wikipedia? And if those people read it somewhere else, what kind of journalist are you to get your leads on a story from Wikipedia? Let’s put it this way, I wouldn’t be shocked if Sinbad did it himself then said, “OH MY GOD ASSOCIATED PRESS THAT REACHES MILLIONS OF PEOPLE DAILY, WIKIPEDIA LIED ABOUT ME!” I’d say that’s the most creative thing he’d ever done, in fact.
Also, this made me laugh:
Sinbad, who is currently on the road doing stand up, said he hasn’t received an apology from the Internet site. He has appeared in the films, “Houseguest,” and “Jingle All the Way.”
The juxtaposition of that paragraph is awesome, making it look like Sinbad hasn’t received an apology from Wikipedia for the error because he never apologized for making those two films. Well played, AP. Well played.
