Feb.27.2007 Eddie Murphy is totally blaming Norbit
Some handsome, witty prophet (much more handsome than Nostradamus…about equally witty) predicted that Eddie Murphy would be really pissed at his Oscar loss. Once again, the Blog of Hilarity is just a bit ahead of the rest when it comes to breaking news.
-Eddie Murphy really wanted to win that Oscar. There are a bevy of transvestites in Hollywood strewn all over the streets to prove that point.
According to Fox News…
Eddie Murphy did not like losing the Academy Award for best supporting actor to Alan Arkin Sunday night. He split the show — exit stage left! — as soon as Arkin’s name was announced.
Murphy didn’t stay to see Jennifer Hudson win best supporting actress in “Dreamgirls” or his fellow castmates Hudson, Beyonce, Keith Robinson and Anika Noni Rose perform the show’s nominated songs in a stellar staging by “Dreamgirls” director/writer Bill Condon, who wasn’t an Oscar nominee.
From the beginning, Murphy acted as a loner. He was the lone holdout at the Cannes Film Festival last year when 20 minutes of the movie was shown to distributors and press.
Clearly, Eddie will need to do something more to win an Oscar. Something unprecedented. What he must do is merge the power of box-office juggernaut Eddie Murphy in all his fat-suited glory with the marginal abilities of dramatic Eddie Murphy. I suggest adapting Othello into a film in which Murphy, in fat-suit, woman-suit, and no-suit, plays all of the leading roles. The dramatic turn of when no-suit Othello smothers woman-suit Desdemona after fat-suited Eddie Murphy’s Iago’s manipulation will truly be a cinematic tour de force that no one else short of Martin Lawrence or the Wayans Brothers could capture on celluloid.
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Feb.27.2007 Your coddling parents made you a douchebag
Since our extensive research has led us to believe that many Blog of Hilarity readers are in the key 18-28 demos that advertisers love and Pete Townshend isn’t a big fan of, there’s a good chance that you, the person reading this right now, might be more narcissistic and vain than previous generations.
“We need to stop endlessly repeating ‘You’re special’ and having children repeat that back,” said the study’s lead author, Professor Jean Twenge of San Diego State University. “Kids are self-centered enough already.”
Twenge and her colleagues, in findings to be presented at a workshop Tuesday in San Diego on the generation gap, examined the responses of 16,475 college students nationwide who completed an evaluation called the Narcissistic Personality Inventory between 1982 and 2006.
Well, deep down, I guess I always knew you weren’t special. I am though. And that’s why the whole world loves me and I’m so great. Sucks for you though guys, sorry.
The study asserts that narcissists “are more likely to have romantic relationships that are short-lived, at risk for infidelity, lack emotional warmth, and to exhibit game-playing, dishonesty, and over-controlling and violent behaviors.”
As an example, Twenge cited a song commonly sung to the tune of “Frere Jacques” in preschool: “I am special, I am special. Look at me.”
“Current technology fuels the increase in narcissism,” Twenge said. “By its very name, MySpace encourages attention-seeking, as does YouTube.”
The last time a study had me so pinpointed, it was about the feelings of women with ovarian cancer. I didn’t have ovarian cancer, nor was I a woman. But that study just got me, man. You couldn’t possibly understand.
Feb.26.2007 Sometimes you only want to read the headline
In the world I like to call “Making the funny” or more accurately “Attempting to make-a the funny,” it can often be difficult to find entertaining content that hasn’t been covered a million times. Yes, Britney Spears shaving her head is hilarious and cringe-inducing, but what can I really offer you about her retroactively destroying my countless hours of masturbation that you hadn’t read? So I always strive to bring about something you might miss, something that might fly under your radar before someone else does at least once per day, often more.
You can imagine my excitement seeing this headline:
Bobby Brown arrested at cheerleading competition
Like a child at Christmas, I dream about the possibilities. Did he disrobe at a high school competition? Did he punch his new girlfriend? Did he run in, steal a girl’s pom-poms and grind them up, then cook them in a spoon?
The reality is, do you really want to know? Whatever happened there, could it possibly top that headline? The unlimited possibilities. From there, it could only be a letdown. So, to you, dear reader, I say, just leave it at the headline for now. Let’s laugh at Bobby Brown’s drug and spousal abuse problems and not get caught up in the semantics of reality.
And for those of you spoil sports out there, the story of what happened is after the jump. I won’t click through to see it, I WON’T EVEN LOOK AS I PASTE IT IN. But if you want to, go ahead.
Read more
Feb.26.2007 Some people won Oscars while others did not
Rather than go through the entire thing and who won and lost and whatever, and because we at the Blog of Hilarity HQ are disappointed that we lacked the ability to screencap last night, I’m here to give you things to watch for today once clips start disseminating of the event last night.
-One of the guys from, I believe, Pirates of the Caribbean accepting an award for Best Achievement in Visual Effects checking out Jessica Biel’s ass, intently, not once but twice. Also, for the record, it’s impossible to double-check on what award she presented. I can find out who made her dress in a heartbeat, but to see what she was there to do…impossible.
-Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst having an awkward moment when he was reading nominations, then she started to read the remainder, leaving him to look at her with his mouth agape, then give her a dirtier scowl than he would give the Green Goblin himself.
-Melissa Etheridge is a lesbian. In case you forgot, she reminded us by kissing her partner on TV after winning the award in the least hot lesbian kiss ever (though her chick is pretty solid).
-There were more accents, British, Latino, and other, than any other awards ceremony ever. But the potential Mexican dominance that would have taken over every headline ultimately withered away after Pan’s Labyrinth’s two award wins.
-Jennifer Hudson is a meaty fluke. Beyonce deliberately blew her off the stage during their performance vocally, physically, and performance-wise just to illustrate that point.
-Eddie Murphy really wanted to win that Oscar. There are a bevy of transvestites in Hollywood strewn all over the streets to prove that point.
-That M and M’s commercial in which all the people were turned into M and M replicas of themselves was the highlight of the night. The Become M and M website is less awe-inspiring, but was fun for a minute.
-Quincy Jones had the loudest jacket on in history. And he was there with his daughter Rashida Jones, also known as Karen from “The Office,” who was also wearing an ungodly outfit. A disappointing showing for the Jones..es…es.
-Clint Eastwood is going to die soon. He was leaning on that podium so hard and seemed to lose himself halfway through his presentation. Him standing there with the guy speaking Italian was unbearably awkward.
-That clip package Will Smith presented made no sense. He talked about Michael Mann, then showed movies he had nothing to do with and closed with a clip of James Brown. Then they didn’t say what the clip package was for.
Overall, a resounding waste of four hours, though fairly entertaining in a goofing on/occasionally interesting (like when that sound effects choir performed, which was awesome) sense. Ultimately superfluous though. Ellen wasn’t awful but didn’t do much. The whole ceremony just seemed middling, much like American film itself. And that’s why the accents are taking over.
Feb.23.2007 Fox News is a big fan of odd sexual analogies
I don’t think this story is anything other than a hoax.
Indonesian scientists hope concrete balls will quell out-of-control mud volcano.
Sounds to me like a sound strategy, though it never works for me when I’ve tried the old dog in a bathtub. Perhaps the mud volcanoes I dabble in aren’t as receptive as an Indonesian one would be. Or far tighter. Either way, I need to re-evaluate my strategies…and stratagems (how else can one convince another to do that act?).
Feb.22.2007 Who Knew This Many People Were Still Smoking?
Let’s talk about smoking. It’s come out that Barack Obama does it, and is trying to quit. Moreover, yesterday my boss asked me to go pick up cigarettes for her while on my usual lunch run. A standard enough favor, whether for a teenager or someone twice your age — except, badass that I am, I’ve never purchased a pack of cigarettes. My boss wanted two types: such-and-such type of Marlboro with an x-factor and some number at the end, and another brand I’ve never heard of.
I found the Marlboros just fine, but needed to journey elsewhere to find this second brand. On this journey I discovered a world of smokers I was previously closed to. Simply by virtue of carrying a pack in a small, opaque bag, I counted no fewer than 15 people in a three block, one side of the street area involved in smoking-related activity. After my first pharmacy, I visited three more places in search of these mysterious cigarettes. At each one, both the person in front of and behind me in line was also purchasing cigarettes. On the street, I found people asking each other for lights, taking drags, and flicking Zippos. And here I thought this smoking was so over, fashionable urbanites, Europeans, and stubborn old people excepted. I mention this not to judge; you can do what you want as long as I don’t have to inhale your nictone with you. I mention it because it freaks me out, man.
Feb.22.2007 Australian Liberals not fans of goat sex
Brenton Pavier, formerly a candidate for the “central coast seat of Wyong” (that may as well be the Pope of Burgerland because nothing in that title makes sense to me), was disendorsed as the Liberal candidate due to a text message he sent to friends around Christmas that said, “The video you have ordered about how to have sex with a goat has now arrived.”
The head of the Liberal party, Peter Debnam, said Pavier’s comments, though “intended to be humorous” were unbecoming of a man hoping to be the Pope of Burgerland. I can see how that might be a problem, though I think that, as we get further removed from the current generation in power, there will be a lot more incriminating items like this to be found. Our 2028 US President might have a picture of himself fucking a goat on Facebook right now and by then, that will be commonplace and legal (though gays will still be not allowed to marry…the goats just wanted it more).
However, while this headline grabbed me, something else within the article stood out even more. This is not the first Aussie politico to be ostracized from a leading party recently.
Last November Aboriginal Affairs Minister Milton Orkopoulos was sacked from state Cabinet after being arrested and charged with 30 sex and drugs offences, including some involving minors.
He subsequently resigned as Labor MP for electorate of Swansea.
Really puts a bestiality-related text message into context. Unless the hypothetical goat was also a minor. In which case, that’s a disgrace to the fine legacy of previous Popes of Burgerland.
