Jan.24.2007 It’s your fault that this is our country
John Mellencamp doesn’t like to be shat on. John Mellencamp is an artist, bitches, and don’t you question his integrity. He didn’t sell out…YOU SOLD HIM OUT.
“People say I sold out,” John Mellencamp said, explaining his decision to license a song for a Chevrolet commercial. “No, I got sold out. Sometime during the ’90s record companies made the decision that us guys who had been around for a long time and had sold millions of records and were household names just weren’t as interesting as girls in stretch dresses.”
First of all, let’s cool out with disliking girls in stretch dresses. Secondly, what does the 90s have to do with 2006/2007? You didn’t do this to adapt with the times, Cougar, you did this because residuals ran dry ever since that M’shell N’degeocello (for the record, I spelled that right on one try…kill me) song ran out of gas.
Mellencamp has also been criticized for the possibly exploitative nature of the commercials, which use imagery from Vietnam, Katrina, and combines it with other pieces of American lore like the Statue of Liberty and…I dunno…grass. But he says that fuck you dude, his advertisements are art.
“Part of the deal I made was: O.K., I’ll do this, but I’m in charge. Make it look like a John Mellencamp video. I don’t want to see ‘Our Country’ as rah-rah flag waving. Let’s show the flood, let’s show the war, let’s show the whole thing. The fact that they rolled a truck out at the end made no difference to me.”
Bill Ludwig, chief creative officer of Chevrolet’s ad agency, Campbell-Ewald, said in a statement that he hoped the campaign would evoke “the bruises and scars that have shaped our nation.”
Before I read this article, I hated the commercial. I hated what it made me feel seeing it time and time again. But Bill Ludwig, thank you. You’ve helped me see the light. Sure, it’s a way to torture the public with images of the Silverado. But no commercial has helped me see and heal the bruises and scars of our nation quite like this one. Well, except the Budweiser frogs. When they hit the scene, I forgot all about the potentially suffocating Clinton/Lewinsky scandal and with each guttural growl of “Bud,” “Weis,” and, most importantly, “Er.” Especially Er. He’s gotten me through a lot of the tough times.
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Jan.23.2007 The day’s political news in Haiku
is a terrorist…sort of.
Turns out he’s not. Oops.
Israeli Pres has
Had a little surprise sex.
…might have lost girl vote.
“Tough days are ahead”
Says new Iraq General.
I for one am shocked.
And, to keep the tranquility that only haiku can provide, an ode to our beloved Condi to the tune of “My Love.” Enjoy.
Jan.22.2007 African scammers dislike homosexuals
Like most of us, I just want to be loved. Regardless of who it is, we all crave some sort of attention. So when someone named “Young Sliva” from “Sierra Leone” (certainly a made-up place filled with rainbows and unicorns) offers me a financial proposition, it’s in my nature to seek his acceptance. This isn’t about breaking new ground on the Internets, other sites have done this far better and for far longer times than I will. This is about wanting to be wanted. This is real emotion. This is a story that is dying to be made into a movie starring Cameron Diaz called, “The Inbox Game” or something like that in which a love affair blooms with a mysterious Nigerian scammer who recants his previous misdeeds and love prevails while a Gin Blossoms song plays.
In confidence / Young
Hello Dear,
I am Mr Young Sliva from sierra leone but residing in Ivory Coast in west Africa. It is my desire to contact you on honesty and sincerity to assist me in transferring the sum of $18,000,000(Eighteen Million United States Dollars) inherited from my late father Mr. Sliva Duku to your country for investment. I am motivated in contacting you and hope to gradually build trust, relationship and confidence in you as I get to know you better.
So please I want to know if you will be of assistance to me, but first I want to get to know you better. I am willing to offer you $3,600,000(Three Million Six Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) for your effort input after the successful transfer of this money for investment. Indicate your interest towards assisting me by sending your phone # and address to me so that I can communicate with you at any time.
I will be waiting for your response
ThanksYoung Sliva.
Now, I’m no master of reading human emotions. In fact, often times, I can be quite dense. However, I’m pretty sure he’s coming onto me. Opening a letter with “Hello Dear,” while asking for my number seems pretty obvious. But I don’t want to look too needy, you know? So I play it cool for a bit.
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Jan.18.2007 I’m sorry Lindsay but your time is up
This has got to stop my dear. I just can’t take it any more. You’re a mess. Not physically, mind you, but lately, I just don’t think you’re quite right. You disappear for hours, you come back smelling terrible, it just doesn’t make sense to me.
If your emotions were personified, they might look a little like that.
I tried so hard to believe things would be okay. No, I tried to believe they’d be better than okay. I tried to believe things would “be adequite” but they just aren’t, even though you said they would be.
I looked the other way. But then I realized…you’re not the lovable druggy alcoholic the media tries to portray you as. I acted coy about the truth. But no more, my love. As much as it pains me, I have to leave you. You cannot be clear to me or the public about what you are. And that hurts me.
You’d rather save a woman from a burning building than take me out to dinner. You’d rather stave off a bank robbery than watch “The Notebook” together. You’d rather beat up Metallo than cuddle. I can only give up so much, Lindsay.
I appreciate the things you do for humanity and I understand why the public has to believe you’re somewhere fighting off alcoholism rather than returning to Krypton. I just can’t wait forever.
Love,
Chris
Jan.18.2007 What About Our Memories, Carmen Electra?
Back in the day, after Pamela Anderson was a little passe, but before “Hit Me Baby One More Time” changed the game altogether, Carmen Electra was one of the hottest things going. You remember, so I’ll leave you to relive your moments alone with her at a later date. I mention her because I am distressed by what she has been doing lately. First, I saw her on the cover of Cosmo, looking underfed and waifish. “It’s her diet choice,” you say, “don’t hate on a woman trying to watch what she eats.” Fair enough– but then why do I see her about to vigorously chomp a cheap Taco Bell burrito on TV? The 30 second ad focuses on beans, cheese, and zestyness. From what I recall, it also reminds of us cheaply Taco Bell can sell this disgusting and delicious dish and still turn a profit (or maybe it’s a loss leader. whatever). In the final 3 seconds, Carmen shows up and opens her mouth around said burrito. We then return to “24.” I would gladly share a screencap or video of this confusing/sad sight, but apparently it is so random and perplexing that it is MIA on the interweb. It’s difficult for me to say I expect more from someone I recall for the nationwide hand-parties held in her honor in the late 90s, but come on.
Oh, this? Arturo wanted to give Carmen a heads up about why her ass felt so slimy. Thankfully, she checks her Myspace daily and was able to address the situation promptly.
Jan.17.2007 Bollywood has a new power couple my friends
This is amazing news. Like, I’m shaking right now. I’m hardly one to get caught up in celebrity romance, but when it’s this big, it’s hard not to.
Media darling Aishwarya Rai has gotten engaged to Superstar actor Abhishek Bachran, son of the legendary Amitabh Bachchan. Their once hush-hush love affair has gone public and their love is in full bloom!
The May-December romance of the senior Rai and young Bachran has been the talk of the town for a while and now the duo may end up being married sooner than expected, even as soon as February! Their love is exciting the public…and the stars!
“This year is going to be very good and productive for him in which new developments are seen,” astrologer Arun Sharma told NDTV channel. “Even for Aishwarya her stars are strong. But she will have to look after her dietary habits.”
That catty bitch. Or bastard. I don’t know what gender Arun is. But why can’t we just let Aishwarya and Abhishek be in love? Is the Bollywood media really this cynical?
Jan.17.2007 This is just mean
The AP runs this article entitled “It’s getting ugly on the Michigan bench,” which seems innocent enough. Next to it, they run this picture:
Underneath the picture is the caption “Justice Elizabeth Weaver complains that other justices are being unprofessional.”
Given those facts, would it be incorrect to assume that the entire article is about how ugly Elizabeth Weaver is? Technically, yes. But if you’re just running through, and I can only assume that a piece about Michigan’s Supreme Court will get a cursory glance from most people, you’d be inclined to believe that Elizabeth Weaver being so ugly is the cause of any and all conflict in Michigan law and that the quotes within the article are all people going “Gahhhh” and typed out sounds of vomiting.
