Jan.31.2007 Paris Hilton is not a fan of your ethnic ass
Via the delightful What Would Tyler Durden Do, it would appear that Paris Hilton is so not about Jews, Blacks, Fat People, Gays, Eskimos, and probably Midgets.
I am a fat ugly Jewish bitch … I’m a little jap-y Jew … I am a little black whore, I got fucked in the butt for coke … I’m a nigger and I’ll (unintelligible) … I’m black and I steal shit, Yo I’m black and I steal…
That’s some impressive racism there. Efficient too. I think, being from a big city, we always assume that racism is limited to the red states. But you forget that even an heiress with undue celebrity is capable of hating Blacks and Jews. It almost brings a tear to your eye. Not because racism is so bad that it makes me cry but rather because even millionaires can hate a race just as well as the biggest NASCAR fan. Let us all be bonded by Black people’s innate success in the robbery and being-fucked-in-the-butt-for-drugs arts!
UPDATE: I guess the video got taken down. But I shall leave it up as a reminder to us all, myself included, that intolerance only leads to the “No ____” sign. I’m downright intolerant of that red circle with a line through it. Fuck that red circle and all its lazy, dumb, drug-using kind.
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Jan.30.2007 I am like a sweet candy to foreign money
Another day, another hypothetical dollar…that’s the motto I live by. Perhaps because of my incredible good looks or my supple buttocks, another foreign financial figure wants my information.
Did he hear about my willingness from Young Sliva (who, by the way, never got back to me *sad face*)? Was I written about on the Foreign Men for American Lovers/Beneficiaries Chat Board (FMALBCB)? Did my distant aunt in Kuala Lumpur pass away in a tragic spelunking accident? Are there many foreign men reading this site, hoping I will pay them attention and give them a) the time of day and b) my personal information? Or do they just smell my lust for foreign money, and my open mind, from miles away (some will notice that odor as a footy kind of smell)?
Who knows? But man, this time, I am going to get rich as Donald Trump! Then I will yell “I’m rich biach!” and honk my horn thusly. That’s the kind of timely humor you get only from the Blog of Hilarity, friends.
Jan.30.2007 Losing weight has never felt so good
Finally, someone has realized that there are no fat stoners as a British pharmaceutical company is working for approvals on a fat-burning drug that uses marijuana as a key component.
The article is kind of confusing, talking about “cannabinoids” rather than just talking about Harlan Williams’ rousing turn in Half Baked, but man, these are exciting times. When this comes out, I’m going to get a bunch of bottles and just totally get…thin. I’m going to get some cookie dough and Luther burgers and get so completely thin. When I get too thin, sometimes I see an electric light show that sort of looks like the “Take on Me” video by A-Ha. Like I see objects normally, but their outline is like a Lite Brite.
This one time I got so skinny off of a big ass FDA-mandated drug that I saw a shadow and thought it looked just like Scooby Doo. Then I was trying to get my friend, who was also incredibly waif-like, to see the same shadow I did, but he was just like, “Dude, you are so slim.” Anyway, I don’t remember what I was talking about. I’ve burned too many calories in my life, friends.
Jan.29.2007 TSIP: Horsey goes bye bye :(
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Jan.29.2007 Now here’s something that will get you killed
Forget the SNL curse, the SI curse, any other curse. There is a title with a horrendous track record of prosperity and success. Once again, the World’s Oldest Person has died.
The pretty young thing pictured above passed away from natural causes (not a skydiving accident like originally reported) after being the World’s Oldest Person for a paltry four days. This gal (maybe a guy, I dunno, it’s hard to tell at this age…the pipes have long been rendered useless anyway so perhaps it’s irrelevant) was a child of two slaves. Wow. Not even like, Chinese sex trade slaves we still have in New York, but rather, like…legit black slaves. Like cotton slaves. That’s crazy.
Anyway the oldest person alive now is a Japanese woman born in 1893. Japan’s pretty great. First sushi, then yanky-cranky shops, then the Playstation, now this old woman who’s old enough to remember back when Shogun roamed the villages of Japan. Many countries could rest on the laurels of those four things alone but Japan still gives us the Wii and uh…Pearl Harbor (not necessarily in that order). Japan rocks.
Jan.26.2007 Six teenage girls arrested on murder conspiracy
In another case of post-Columbine/post-September-11/post-OC-cancellation overreaction, a half-dozen normal girls have been sent to a juvenile detention facility for having a list of people they’d “like to kill,” including classmates, celebrities, and more.
Six girls at a rural high school were charged with homicide conspiracy after their principal found a list of 300 names and officials discovered online postings suggesting they kill people, authorities said Thursday.
School officials said the list, discovered in a classroom trash can, mostly named students and faculty members but also included Tom Cruise, Oprah Winfrey and the Energizer Bunny.
It seems like a pretty normal thing to me. Perhaps a bit more extensive than most people would like to see from a mentally healthy teenager (I couldn’t even think of writing a list of 300 anything, let alone people I’d want to kill), but still in the realm of the normal vacuous girl chit-chat. But for some reason this is now worthy of arrest in this crazy mixed up world of ours. Can’t teenage girls just be catty cunts with incredible organization/compilation skills without us arresting them?
Plus, I think we’ve all wanted to kill the Energizer Bunny at some point. Look at him there with his sunglasses and perfectly pink fur. Your long-lasting energy won’t protect you forever, sunshine. Mark my words bunny. Your day of reckoning will come.
Jan.25.2007 This guy really must love c*ck
I mean, wow. Not only c*ck, but very specific c*ck needs. Older dirty c*ck. Young boy c*ck. C*ck with serious mental problems. Though not serious as his own. Such is the lot of Neil Havens Rodreick II, the 29 year-old man who pretended to be a 7th grader and, oh yeah, lived with, and presumably had disturbing sex with, two middle-aged men and a senior citizen in addition to having sex on tape with a male “classmate”.
Authorities investigating a 29-year-old sex offender suspected of repeatedly enrolling in schools as a 12-year-old boy said Thursday they seized a video showing him engaging in sex acts with a child…
Besides the video, CDs, a computer and paperwork were seized during searches of a Chino Valley home where Rodreick lived with Lonnie Stiffler, 61, Robert Snow, 43, and Brian Jay Nellis, 34.
The four men were arrested January 18, the day after Stiffler, posing as Rodreick’s grandfather, allegedly attempted to enroll Rodreick in the Mingus Springs Charter School as 12-year-old “Casey Price.”
The sheriff’s office said Rodreick conned Stiffler and Snow into believing he was a young boy.
That’s just sh*tty. Like, you want to f*ck kids…okay that’s horrible but there’s a lot of people like that (hi everyone who’s ever been to Thailand). You want to f*ck older men…gross but there’s a lot of people like that. You want to pretend to be a young boy, then do both, while also convincing the older men to give you a place to live and get you in with more young kids…oh what a tangled web you weave.
If nothing else, you have to admire his effort. His heart and penis were both in the wrong place, literally and figuratively, but man, I wish I had that kind of determination in certain aspects of my life. Can’t get a job? If you had the stick-to-it-tiveness of this guy, as well as his ability to lie in ways that affect many many people, you’d be the CEO of Google. And man, who wouldn’t want to be the CEO of Google? So be like Neil Havens Rodreick II. Minus all that gay sex, child impersonation, sexual assault of a minor and…okay maybe don’t be like him.
