Dec.29.2006 Did Jessica Biel steal a ham or something?
I mean, Jesus. Jessica Biel’s ass is just…I know this isn’t an adjective but it’s just KAPOW. Her ass is an Adam West/Batman sound effect. It’s just absurd. It’s like seeing an elephant doing barber shop quartet music with a midget dressed like former President Calvin Coolidge.
I implore you to click that thumbnail to see the ludicrously fantastic beauty that is Jessica Biel’s behind (via our friends at What Would Tyler Durden Do?). I didn’t think it was possible. J-Lo’s is fine. Vida Guerra’s is fine when airbrushed (not so great in person though, to be quite honest). But Jessica Biel’s is a masterwork of fine American craftsmanship. And I think she should be applauded for that. Possibly given the Nobel Prize for work in the field of Ass. It’s not the most prestigious prize, but it would certainly be more interesting than something Neils Bohr won. THAT’S RIGHT BOHR, I’M CALLING YOU OUT.
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Dec.29.2006 Katie Bowden gave Deelishes HIV while Michael Richards watched
We try to keep close tabs on how the site does with people. What content leads to more views, what times are the best for updates, et cetera. It’s all part of the neverending quest to bring you, the people, the content that you need to get through your work-a-day world. But seriously, what the hell dude.
We occasionally go through our search query report to find out what exactly people are looking for that brings them to this site. “Katie Bowden” is the top search-term, and with good reason. The 18 year-old sexpot (I can only presume) is a minxy little…minx who doesn’t have a whole lot about her out there.
Then, coming in at the top is “Blog of Hilarity,” “Blogofhilarity.com”…good stuff. It means there’s “brand awareness.” Coke. Vinnie Chase. Blog of Hilarity.
Now, it gets a bit weird. “Anthony Geary Homosexual” is up there, because we mentioned how Luke and Laura were getting married again, the actor playing Luke is gay, yadda yadda. Another couple Katie Bowden searches…Nick Arcade (I personally consider the Blog of Hilarity your home for new “Nick Arcade” news)…”cnn news puns”…Kramer’s racist tirade searches…these are all things we’ve discussed here at some varying degrees of length. Then we get to “situational homosexuality.”
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Dec.28.2006 Cloning is a little too real…and apparently delicious
The FDA has approved usage of cloned animals in meat and, in fact, will not tell you if what you will eat is the genuine artifact or a Xerox copy.
Does that cow look delicious to you? Does it??? Well it doesn’t to me!
But the FDA says you won’t know the difference. In fact, I think they also call you a douchebag.
After more than five years of study, the Food and Drug Administration concluded that cloned livestock is “virtually indistinguishable” from conventional livestock.
FDA believes “that meat and milk from cattle, swine and goat clones is as safe to eat as the food we eat every day,” said Stephen F. Sundlof, director of the FDA Center for Veterinary Medicine.
Officials said they don’t think special labels are needed, although a decision on labeling is pending.
Because scientists concluded there is no difference between food from clones and food from other animals, “it would be unlikely that FDA would require labeling in those cases,” Sundlof said.
So let’s get this straight. You want me to not only bite into something that, theoretically, doesn’t exist, but you also want me to drink from it as well? You want me to pour some imaginary fluid that didn’t come from God’s EZ Bake Oven into my Blueberry Morning? You bastards. Also, call me crazy, but I doubt the savings of not having an actual cow will be passed down to me, Earl Huckleberry Consumer (my birthname FYI). And I also doubt it’s deliciousness, regardless of what the FDA says.
On the plus side, this is going to open all sorts of comedy once we transfer this over to humans and the first clone baby who belongs to gay parents becomes old enough to ask questions.
“Mommy, where did I come from?”
“You came from magic, sweetie.”
“But, my friend Bobby said I came from a stork…”
“Yeah, a stork. A magic stork.”
“Let me finish, MOM. So I know the stork thing isn’t true. But I know I’m not adopted because I look exactly like Mom 2. So what the fuck dude?”
“Well young lady, you want to get smart? The nucleus of your mother’s donor egg is removed and replaced with the DNA of a cow, pig or other animal, the other animal in this case was me. A tiny electric shock coaxes the egg to grow into a copy of the original animal. Cloning companies say it’s just another reproductive technology, such as artificial insemination, yet there can be differences between the two because of chance and environmental influences.”
“Fuck.”
But I don’t know if having a subpar steak is worth that.
Dec.28.2006 Blog being sued; Collective ruh-rohs abound
The Jessica Cutler lawsuit regarding her debaucherous diary of delicious democratic domestic dicksuckery known as “the Washingtonienne” could have serious ramifications for the world of blogs, blogging, bloggers, and the greater good of the Internets.
If the case goes to trial, its outcome will be important both to bloggers and to people who chronicle their lives on social-networking sites such as MySpace and Facebook. Marc Rotenberg, director of the Electronic Privacy Information Center, said he may teach the Washingtonienne case this spring during his class at Georgetown Law School.
“Anybody who wants to reveal their own private life has a right to do that. It’s a different question when you reveal someone else’s private life,” he said, adding that simply calling something a diary doesn’t make it one. “It’s not sitting in a nice, leather-bound book under a pillow. It’s online where a million people can find it.”
Rotenberg asked, what if Cutler had secretly videotaped the encounters and sold the videos without Steinbuch’s consent? There has to be a line somewhere, he said.
Since being fired, Cutler moved back to New York, wrote a novel based on the scandal, posed nude for Playboy and started a new Web site, where she solicits donations “for slutty clothes and drugs.”
Now, I’m kind of surprised this isn’t getting more coverage than it could. This seems to have legs as a news story, from the political angle, to the possible taming of the “Wild Wild West” that is the Internet, to the fact that this girl is a complete hosebag; it really has a little bit of something for everyone. If this involved a murder as well, I don’t think you’d be able to avoid it. As is, it’s relegated to the B-team that is CNN.com’s legal section.
So what does this mean for you, Johnny G. Internetski? Well, it could mean that you’ll be accountable for the things you say on your various online ventures. Did you slander someone? Did you out your friend Gay Gary? Did you post pictures of yourself with a thumbs up next to someone passed out with penises drawn on their face with a Sharpie? These are all things you could be held liable for.
But more importantly for you, what does this mean for the Blog of Hilarity? I could perhaps not ever write anything mean and especially not post anything about anyone else that could put them in a bad light. Or…I could finally seize the opportunity to go to Nancy Pelosi’s house with a bow wrapped securely around my genitals singing, “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” and hope that she’ll finally take the bait. Previous efforts with Dennis Hastert were left unanswered and unsatisfying. Though I may have mistakenly gone to Dennis Hastings, aka Mr. Belding of “Saved by the Bell” fame. I don’t know. 2005 was a crazy time man, leave me alone.
Dec.27.2006 Frosty the Snowman was probably a Jew
We Christians have a knack for stealing Jews and making them our own. Jesus, Jerry Seinfeld, we take them, we make them ours, we market the hell out of them, and then we’re pretty reluctant to release them from our gentile clutches.
Which brings us to Exhibit C, Frosty Snowman, the Jewish snowman that has somehow become a icon of Christmas. Frosty’s clearly Jewish. The name alone, Frosty Snowman (the article “the” is in there just to dehumanize him as we Christians are wont to do). The voice is pretty Jewish, he really only goes to see Santa because the kids are pressuring him into it. Frosty’s like a fable for the outsider in the American world of the 60’s. He’s been given this gift of life in America and he’d just like to enjoy it, but people conspire against him for his demise, including putting him in the gas chamber that is the greenhouse. But then he finds some people who he thinks are his friends, in this situation the kids, and they just try to send him to the North Pole with Santa. So Frosty’s like, hey, these guys are cool, and they end up banishing him to the North Pole with some guy he shouldn’t believe in.
Some friends. If they were real mensches, they’d just give Frosty some bagels and lox and get him an air conditioner because you could die of heat exhaustion out here.
Dec.24.2006 Merry Christmas…
Much like many of your peers, the Blog of Hilarity has mentally checked out for the Hanukkwanzachristmas season. I’ve braved the terrors of malls and Macy’s in Herald Square just to find a present that will be deemed worthless the minute it leaves my hand and the poorly wrapped exterior is torn apart to reveal nothing but disappointment.
We leave you with an image of kitty eating Christmas. He’s such a Grinch. Have a good one until we see you again on Wednesday.
Dec.21.2006 I am so capitalist. I crave my capital, your capital, and Ethopia’s.
I love America. Really, I do. Like in any relationship, I think there’s some patches that are rougher than others. Sure my America may find herself in bad relationships with guys like Mr. Bush that probably aren’t best for her interests, but she’ll come out stronger than before. And when he comes home drunk, demanding to fight with Iran, maybe she’ll realize that him whispering whisky-filled I-love-you’s into her ear don’t make up for it.
But more than anything, I’m in love with America’s capitalist ways. Nothing excites me like beating up strange elderly women to buy an extravagant present for my younger cousins. Nothing gets my juices flowing like watching my TV that’s far too big for the flimsy TV stand beneath it. Nothing makes me ejaculate pure jingoism than consuming gas like a hungry wolf at a butcher’s shop.
I’ve started reading the book “Confessions of an Economic Hit Man”, a book about the shadowlaw that exists within our American imperialism and how we get third-world countries with extra resources to basically sign their lives away in a macroeconomic pyramid scheme. And, while everything the author, John Perkins, says is plausible, I find it hard to completely buy into a guy who touts his other books on his personal site that include such well-grounded topics as Shapeshifting, Psychonavigation, and other Shamanic teachings. Does that sound like the beliefs of an economic hit man? Or does that sound like the works of…
A TERRORIST?
OR A COMMUNIST????
I don’t know man, but alls I know is that I need to keep spending all this money of mine while perpetually making more and then spending it again! As a wise man once said…
Robin the Bobbin, the big-headed hen / He Ate more meat than four-score men. / He Ate a cow, He Ate a calf / He Ate a butcher and a half; / He Ate a church, He Ate a steeple, / He Ate the priest and all the people. And yet he complained that his belly was not full.
Robin the Bobbin I relate to you at this holiday we call Christmas, which I think has something to do with the birth of SAVINGS!
