Nov.20.2006 Everybody’s working for the Wii-kend
I’m a big believer in destiny. Sometimes in life, you just go where the world takes you. For me Saturday night, and DON’T YOU FUCKING JUDGE ME, Tomas, Edgar and I were taken on a magical ride of destiny that brought us to, yes, Toys ‘R’ Us for the Wii “launch party.” I say that in quotes because the “party” consisted of several thousand depressing people playing Nintendo DSes and some douchebags dancing on the corner.
I should note that the fact that I sought out a Wii does not mean I look like this guy. I didn’t suddenly add on 20 pounds and a pube goatee on my chin. I just want to put that out there before I continue this tale.
I’m not going to lie, I was intrigued by the idea of the Wii. I could play things by moving my arms, flailing wildly to make my video game character do the same thing? Sign me up! So when the trains decided not to run between 42nd Street and 34th Street due to an on-going police investigation, I suggested delaying our plans of drinking and partying to instead going to the Times Square Toys ‘R’ Us to glance at the line (and the social miscreants who would be waiting there). And that was my intention. Especially after seeing that the miscreants were exactly as miscreantastic as I dreamed.
Then I chuckled and said to Tomas, “Hey you should wait in line!” And we all laughed as I walked away after saying that. Then, fate intervened. We weren’t leaving this line. A Wii-worker-bee came by and gave Tomas a white Wii-band and told him that the wristband guaranteed him a Wii. But was this a clever ploy to keep us in line or an actual guarantee?
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Nov.17.2006 Man presumably angry over false response to “asl?”
I can only assume that this situation either stems from an embarrassing bit of cyber sex gone wrong. Or perhaps the other guy questioned his attacker’s “leetness” into question. Regardless of the reasoning, a 47 year-old British man attacked a 43 year-old British man in England’s first case of “web rage.”
London’s central criminal court heard that Gibbons had “taken exception” to Jones, 43, after Jones alleged that Gibbons had been “interfering with children.”
After several more verbal and written exchanges, during which Jones threatened to track down Gibbons and give him a severe beating, Gibbons and a friend went to his victim’s house in Essex, east of London, armed with a pickaxe and a machete…
Other charges of attempted murder and issuing online threats to kill four other chatroom users were not pursued but could be reactivated in future if he reoffends.
England is always so polite. Why say “interfering with children” when you can say “jerking off while IMing kids?” Sometimes the simpler route is the better one, you silly geese. Unless I’m misinterpreting and Gibbons was actually interfering with children, keeping them all for himself while Jones is like, “Ain’t no fun if the homies can’t get none.”
Also why go with a pickaxe and machete, then only scratch the guy? That’s like one of the guys on “To Catch a Predator” going to the “young girl’s” house with tequila, then just drinking Kool-Aid with her.
Nov.15.2006 Signs your husband might be gay, Part I
So for some reason (don’t judge me) I Googled “signs your husband might be gay.” Rest assured, I have no fears of my husband being gay..I…I was just looking for something that might make for a funny post. My husband is straight as fuck, thankyouverymuchforasking.
Aside, don’t ever image search for gay husband…there are more meaty cocks to be found there than…some sort of…meaty…cock…festival…of sorts.
Anyway, I figure this can be a helpful how-to of finding out whether your significant other likes to take a dip in the beefcake batter. A swim in the sperm sea. A dive into delicious dick. You get the point.
It is indeed hard to tell if someone is a homosexual; there is no easy litmus test. Some people have a natural predisposition towards homosexuality or bisexuality, which can suddenly come out. Other people have cases of situational homosexuality (e.g., in prisons where there are no females around), but that is not usually something spouses need to worry about.
I’ve never heard of this “situational homosexuality” before. So, like, if I let a guy blow me after all the girls leave the bar, that’s situational sexuality right? Like totally not gay? Not that I’m considering it. But it’d be good to know for, uh, research purposes and stuff.
The first sign of this was when I was pregnant with our daughter, he had a “day with the boys” and when he returned he left some blood and excrement in the tub. I don’t think he knew it was there. A pattern occurred each time he had a “day with the boys”, he was very loving and attentive, like he had to prove he was straight. Once, I was in the middle of an arguement my father-in-law was having with my husband, he said, “Why can’t you stay home with your wife instead of running off to be with your lover all the time”. It was true and still is my husband is at his “partner”’s house more than my own (I am not a nagger, I don’t like confrontation, this is very important for a man to keep up this life-style).
That’s a sticky situation…lolliterallyandfiguratively. Could you imagine being this guy’s father and not only finding out your son is sneaking out with another man, but also having to confront him about that? Even worse, could you imagine having to do that while he’s fingering your ass? Awk-ward! Also, is it ever a good sign when you find feces and blood in a bath tub? Even if your husband isn’t gay, maybe that was worth a “Honey, are you okay?” See, you can’t blame the husband alone for these problems.
Look, I could really make jokes about this all day. And, in fact, I will because I’m extending this into a Part II because the web page I found on this is a wealth of material. But nothing I could do could be better than this sordid little tale. How does a wife jerking off her husband turn into a homosexuality confession?
During a late night intimate time he started rubbing on his self while I was trying to sleep and asked me to put my hands on his private, so I did and then told him to do it himself. He was rubbing on his self and was very heated, when I found it the right time to ask him if he had ever been with another man. He went silent and I told him he could be honest with me. He rubbed his self harder and said that when he was away in the other state working, he would go to the gym to work out and one day he was touched in the private area from another man in the men’s locker room. He told me that before he could remove the other man’s hand from touch the front part of his pants he got aroused and just stepped back. The man saw again a week later and invited him to a party out to his house that him and his wife was giving. My husband said that he went and had a good time, wasn’t approached by the man in a sexual way, but was later invited back to the home during a weekday when no one was home besides his. My husbands says that one thing led to another and the man wend down on him and then showed him how to go down on the man, then he told me that the man had him to trade places with him and then the man inserted his private part in his anus. My husband said that the man explained it to him that a man knows what a man needs, just like another woman can only know what a woman needs. My husband told me that he enjoyed it and would have kept going back if he had of stayed back in that state. Now that my husband is back I have start having abnormal pap smear test and did know why, now I am going to have the doctor test me for HIV.
The childlike innocence of her writing style is really disturbing. What’s even more disturbing is that we don’t find out if he finished or not. Listen lady, there’s a difference between having a gay husband and just being plain rude.
Nov.14.2006 Resurrected woman to re-marry married guy who raped her
Soap operas are crazy. I had a vague knowledge of the Luke and Laura marriage that happened when I was -3 years old. And now that they’re getting married again as a publicity stunt 25 years later (ONLY ON GENERAL HOSPITAL THIS THURSDAY).
[Laura] died, and was brought back to life. She killed her stepfather. She gave birth to a son by an adulterous affair, and now Nikolas is a single dad after the baby’s mother died of a virus. Her other son, Lucky, is addicted to painkillers. Her daughter, Lulu, recently aborted a child after being impregnated by a stepbrother.
Oh, and [Laura] spent the last four years in a catatonic state — waking up just in time to marry Luke again this Thursday on “General Hospital,” 25 years to the day after their first wedding.
More fun facts from the AP article include:
-Laura was raped by Luke two years before their marriage
-Elizabeth Taylor appeared on an episode because of the marriage
-Princess Di, apparently unaware of the lines between fiction and reality, sent them a congratulatory bottle of champagne
-The actor who played Luke, Anthony Geary, moved to Amsterdam after being repeatedly freaked out by obsessed fans.
“He’d go to events and women would come up to him and go, ‘rape me, Luke,’ which I guess is a bit disorienting,” Carolyn Hinsey, editor of Soap Opera Weekly, said.
Anyway, it’s on Thursday. But I just found this to be an interesting look into something that most people my age (at least those with a tangential pop culture knowledge) know about but don’t really know about.
Nov.13.2006 “John Tucker Must Die” is kind of hot but not
I’m not going to pretend to have seen this movie. And that’s not from a place of contempt for the film, but rather because I just never felt overly compelled to see it. But the trailer definitely came off well to me. Maybe not as a particularly great film, but more as something that’s unbearably hot. Four attractive girls who plot and plan to get back at John because he was canoodling (apparently I’m now a celebrity gossip columnist) with these other girls and making them all believe they were special. Now that’s sexy. Nothing quite as hot as a bunch of girls so in a froth about you that they want to kill you.
But I digress. I got to thinking about the John Tucker movie and its real life comparisons a bit more. I mean, in the movies, it’s great. Like they “make out” and whatever and he probably learns a lesson at the end. But in real life? I don’t know.
I mean yeah, in real life, he’d clearly be sleeping with them all rather than just giving them a good canoodle. He would do horrible, messy things to their hair, faces, ear canals, and calves (as least, this is what I usually do). At the same time though, they probably wouldn’t just be plotting wacky schemes against him. They’d probably be pregnant. In which case the film title would be “John Tucker Must Go to a Very Far Away College and Change His Cell Phone Number.” Or it’d be “John Tucker Must Give a Swift Kick to the Abdomen.”
Either way, that’s why movies stay on the screen. It’s never quite as nice in real life as what it is in your imagination.
Nov.09.2006 More things that shouldn’t be eaten mixed into food
By humans at least. Los Angeles is paying $2.5 million to a Black firefighter because his co-workers served him dog food with spaghetti.
Pierce said he suffered retaliation for reporting the incident and verbal slurs, insults and derogatory remarks, including taunting by firefighters “barking like dogs [and] asking him how dog food tasted,” the lawsuit said.
David Wellman, a professor at the University of California, Santa Cruz hired by Pierce’s attorney, said the association of a black man and dog food “resonates with the deep historical roots of slavery and the corresponding dehumanization.”
I think that’s a bit extreme. I don’t know that it’s racism so much as it’s “these guys aren’t that smart.” I mean, look at their clever barbs thrown at him. “Woof woof, how’s that DOG FOOD taste? IS IT LIKE DOG FOOD?” They clearly have no sense of irony.
Also I don’t know how this reflects on me, but I’ve been trying to get Edgar to eat cat food for what feels like years. But I offered him money for it, with his knowledge. My magnanimous offering of cat food far surpasses their “by any means necessary” forcing of dog food on their co-worker. And that’s what makes me the Martin Luther King Jr. to these firefighters’ Malcolm X in the great “Get Black People to Eat Pet Food” campaign.
Nov.09.2006 Jew York City, where the Fat Boys suck Goldman Sacs for crack
I read an article from the Metro today that Goldman Sach’s has had its most profitable year ever and employees will see huge bonuses around Christmas (I suspect yarmulkes will be raised a little higher…..from the money under them and all). For all those wondering, the Metro is a free newspaper distributed to common folk subway riders like myself. It is much like the Village Voice minus the transexual escort ads in the back. Anyhow, I was reading it on the subway and when I stepped out of the cars, a rat came bounding towards me and leaped as if to attack me. Although it missed, I shrieked. Naturally, I was upset. This rat was no Splinter; he had no lessons to teach me. He only had non-ooze originated diseases to spread. This rat was a dirty bastard that took pleasure in my pain. After this attack, I realized that even with the hostile takeover of I-bankers and Village punk rock wannabes, New York is still grimey. Only now, it has lost its character.
We have exited the days of The Warriors. Gone are the times where you could fight someone by six stepping and popping to form an invisible fireball. Those invisible fireballs were like bullets to pride. But alas, guys use real bullets now. If I were to break out an Ipod stereo and dance the “chicken noodle soup” to settle an argument, I would get shanked — i.e. defiantly stabbed. I miss the days when graffiti was art instead of a crude penis doodle and a number on a bathroom stall — call me. Moreover, we can no longer “bust rhymes” about the greatness of food.
Of course, there is hope. I had the pleasure of taking the subway later in the day. And I was sitting next to a cornrowed puerto rican blasting Daddy Yankee’s greatest hits on his motorola phone — he undoubtedly has the words “nigga” and “son” in his daily lexicon — when in walked a homeless woman that I had seen many times before. By now, I know her routine. She bangs a drum stick on some apparatus and sings a song about how she is broke and jobless, “It ain’t no joke, for real I’m broke.” Before she had a male companion who accompanied her rhythms with an electric piano. Btw, how is it that homeless guys can afford fucking 2000 dollar keyboards and I, a working citizen, can’t?!?! But, I digress. It occurred to me that this is her job. She does the same thing, day in and day out. The pay doesn’t really fluxuate. Hence, it is a career, albeit a urine filled one. Yet, in my eyes, I have more respect for her than for her higher paid musical counterparts — ying yang twins, young dro, cameron. I have discovered a local star. If I could, I would sign her to indie record label and with that, I would bring the “realness” back to hip-hop, back to new york. But what would I call this hypothetical album?
shank tales
It would include a song from my friend who once shanked a hobo on my street corner and left him collapsed on the ground bleeding profusely. The blood was cleaned off the sidewalk the next day and I never saw that man again. Sadly, that is the new york the movies always portray. However, in today’s time, the realness includes surfing wireless internet in starbucks cafes, crunching numbers, and forcing negroes out of brownstones. New York has changed.
I wonder what the schedule is for my Jewish friends around the holidays. I could use a new watch.
