Nov.30.2006 An in-depth look at Celebrity Vag
Not literally though. I’m going to abstain from posting the Not Safe for Work pics because…well not because this isn’t that sort of blog, because obviously it is, but rather because I want you to be able to read this without shame. Or looking like you’re some sort of pervert. Because the kinds of pictures that would come with this would be acceptable in some OB-GYN offices and not many other places. (But if you do want to see them, I would suggest What Would Tyler Durden Do? for all your genital needs).
Where did the trend begin? Like most advancements in the science of publicity and whoring, Paris Hilton. I think she was awarded the Nobel Prize in Publicity and Whoring though that may be unconfirmed. She spread her vaginal gospel, pardon the pun, to Nicole Richie, Kimberly Stewart, Lindsay Lohan, and now Britney Spears (who not only went for the tricky crotch exposure once, and failed, but tried again with less demure tactics including seemingly offering up the more flattering behind shot [read: no c-section scars]).
I’m going to go on the record in saying that, while I appreciate the spirit of this trend, I am not a fan. You know when Britney was at her hottest? Around the time of that video for “Sometimes,” when rumors were first spreading about her having gotten implants. That was good times. It’s not even about leaving something to the imagination either; if she had done Hustler then, I’d have been all over it (though perhaps a bit perturbed at the career choice). But this…I dunno.
Now I want to preface this by saying that I know there’s no way to articulate this without coming off as a bit of a, shall we say, butt-fucker. But I just don’t want to see that from her. Or Lindsay Lohan. It’s just not a pretty thing to expose to the paparazzi, particularly when it’s not even the fresh (I’m taking some liberties) young vag of a Lohan, but the worn, K-Fed-visited, mommy vag of Britney. Sure, it’ll get some circulation because it’s an exposure and it’s something that probably won’t hurt your career, but can we not pretend that this is some sexy thing that we should all be frothing over?
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Nov.29.2006 The return of Super Wacky CNN Offbeat News!
Once again, the Blog of Hilarity finds time to point out the hilarious news that only a top-notch humor site like CNN.com can bring you. Offbeat? More like off-kilter! What? That means the same thing? Whatever. Anyway, when applicable, I’m capitalizing certain parts of the headlines because what is the point of using a pun if it’s not obnoxiously capitalized? That’s like eating a steak and not smearing the delicious blood under your eyes as a sign of man’s contempt for the cow.
Rubber band ball builder SNAPS up record. Okay yeah the pun sucks, but the absurdity of this story as a whole makes this an absolute delight.
Milton, 26, of Eugene, Oregon, watched as four bodybuilders rolled the multicolored, rubbery mass — 5½ feet high and 19 feet around — onto a giant scale in downtown Chicago for the official weigh-in.
He raised his arms over his head in Rockyesque style when Guinness judge Sarah Wagner announced his ball had bounced the previous 3,120-pound record-holder from the books. That record was set by John Bain of Wilmington, Delaware, in 2003.
“It’s just amazing; it’s out of this world,” said Milton, who began building the ball in November 2005.
Bain didn’t begrudge Milton the honor.
“Steve can have the record … he worked hard for it,” Bain said in an e-mail to The Associated Press. “I had my glory days with the rubber band ball.”
Glory days indeed. Hot muscular men pushing your oversized rubber-band ball around. World records. Private jets. Who can beat the glory and acclaim of the creator of the world’s largest rubber-band ball?
A tough nut case TO CRACK is solved. Haha because nuts can be cracked. Also somehow these two schmucks stole 400-thousand dollars worth of almonds. I think that, using almond to American dollars conversions, that’s approximately one shitload of almonds.
Whoa there, partner, Nevada senators are just friends. This is just stupid. Who even asked if they were gay? Was he giving his comments with the other Senator’s cock in his mouth and felt as though he had to rationalize that? It seems like he’s a bit defensive. Let’s leave that one beautiful night Senators Reid and Ensign shared in a bubbly D.C. jacuzzi in the past and get on with politicking!
Nov.28.2006 Bootleg German Facebook
Man of the people that I am, I checked Technorati tonight to find out what folks are searching for in blogland. At #1, above “Britney Spears,” “Lindsay Lohan,” “Zune,” “Britney,” “Michael Richards,” and “Lindsey Lohan,” I found something called “studivz.” Everything is in German. I’ll spare you the exposition and cut to the chase. Studivz is a social networking site that has explicitly designed itself as a bootleg Facebook. Here’s Studivz:
Everything blue on Facebook is red on Studivz. The former’s handsome mascot has been turned into a Microsoft Paint job, or perhaps a Mii. The sites’ fonts are similar, Facebook’s poking is copied and renamed “gruscheln,” and error messages on Studivz include the directory “fakebook.” I was completely unaware of this. While I sit on my bed picking out dirt under my toenails, the internet rumbles over Studivz so loudly that the site ends up in Der Spiegel (think Time, but German).
Anything you could possibly want to know about this is covered in the Studivz Encyclopedia. Also, the site’s creators appear to have created a satirical newspaper in the visual template of an infamous Nazi publication. I’ll stick to the Magnetbox/Sorny schtick, thanks.
Nov.23.2006 Macy’s Thanskgiving Day Parade kind of sucks hard
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Before heading out for today’s Thanksgiving festivities (which include, but are not limited to, eating turkey, eating more turkey, digesting turkey, rubbing turkey all over myself and then allowing neighborhood animals to lick me, and so forth), I decided to take a glance over at Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade on NBC.
I should preface my remarks with saying that I never really understood the charm of the parade. It’s just always been there on Thanksgiving. Not important or interesting to me in any way, even as a child, but it’s just there. I never understood how someone decided that a great way to begin Thanksgiving was to feature oversized versions of favorite fictional characters that look like they’re about to completely destroy New York City. It has all the charm of the Puerto Rican Day Parade, except with the Cat in the Hat crashing into a lightpole, killing dozens, replacing wilding and forcible sodomy from Juan Carlos Diaz, the neighborhood rapist.
I turned on the NBC telecast and was greeted by Matt Lauer, obviously reading straight from a script, talking about how Spongebob was here on a vacation from Bikini Bottom. But don’t worry, because he was keeping in contact with his friend Patrick the Starfish on his SHELL PHONE. Get it? Because they live underwater, it’s not a cell phone, but a shell phone! I don’t quite get how a guy who works in a fast food restaurant is able to afford the technology that would be required to turn a shell into a mobile phone device, but that’s neither here nor there.
Next up was the “Hershey’s Delicious Sweetness Factory,” which wasn’t even a big float. Rather, it was a fake conveyor belt filled with Hershey’s products such as Kisses and Peanut Butter Cups. Al Roker extolled the values of deliciousness. And with that, I gave up on this product placement-filled jaunt into soiling the minds of children with blatant consumerism.
And with that, a Happy Thanksgiving to all of you. The Blog of Hilarity is planning on taking some extra time off to bask in the glow of the holidays so come back here tomorrow and check out our amazingly fantastic first month back as you finally come down from your tryptophan-induced high and lavish views upon this glorious site of ours.
Nov.22.2006 Gilbert Arenas Pwns His Own Team
I might be completely behind on this, but apparently Gilbert Arenas has a Halo team. He has even mentioned it in his blog no fewer than 3 times in the past month. The team is called Final Boss, and it’s being paid a cool million over the next three years to play Xbox. If you’ve managed to find this blog, then you’ve probably heard of professional video gamers, even if you find the idea ridiculous. However, I am genuinely surprised that Agent Zero is sponsoring a Halo team, gives them shout outs, and plugs their TV show. Gilbert Arenas is to Final Boss what Abe Pollin is to Gil’s Washington Wizards.
Arenas officially got on board with this team only a month ago. Based on his postings, he seems to like the idea that he has this team. It’s “his” team. “I got my Halo team,” he writes. After a second place finish a tourney in Vegas, Gilbert warns Final Boss’ foes: “All the teams out there, get ready for them next year. We’re coming back strong.” Based on what we see here, and what we know about Arenas — he is not afraid to be outlandish — he just might become professional video gaming’s Mark Cuban. I hope he starts showing up at LAN tournaments in a wireless headset, loose sweatpants, and a custom Final Boss jersey. He can start arguing with network administrators and get pumped up backstage on a DDR machine. Don’t put it past him.
Shout out to True Hoop, where I clued in to Gil’s blog, and which also reported that he couldn’t get his hands on a Wii this weekend. Maybe he should have stumbled onto a giant line like the rest of us.
Addendum: Also, Deadspin posted about Arenas’ blog too this morning. More proof that this is news (and that you can be scooped if you schedule a post to go up 12 hours after you write it).
Nov.21.2006 Signs your husband might be gay, Part II
The Blog of Hilarity’s hard-hitting news team is back at work this week. While other journalists go “I shall take this week off to give thanks and enjoy my family’s company,” the Blog of Hilarity says, “HEY THERE ARE THINGS TO MOCK!” With that, our crack reporting staff is back at work for you, bringing you stories of some of the tell-tale signs that your husband might like to “snap into some Slim Jims” if you catch my drift.
Last time, we went into things that were a bit obvious for comedy’s sake. And that was insensitive. Not all of the signs are obvious. Most are so subtle that you wouldn’t catch it unless you knew what you were looking for. And even then, the discreteness of the signs is so slight that you’d have to be Colombo himself to figure this mystery out.
if your man seems a little too ticklish around the anus. If he ’s always dancing around and bending over separating his ass cheeks and exposing his anus(sorry i had a flash back)
I’ll make this pretty clear for you. If your boyfriend or husband spreads his anus for you or anyone, you probably have a problem on your hands. Hell, if you’re a guy and your girlfriend does that for you, you may want to re-evaluate things. Few good things can come from a spread anus.
if its difficult for him to stay hard during sex, and he’d rather close his eyes and rub his dick on your ass…or when he starts prancing around the living room to a song by Loreena McKennitt and talking about his male friends excessively…
Another sign. If your boyfriend does a killer impression of Buffalo Bill from “Silence of the Lambs,” dancing around with his penis tucked away while saying “I’d fuck me,” it might be a problem. But of course, since many of these signs are “blindingly obvious” and “comically insulting to anyone with a pulse,” some people have to make jokes.
if you catch him in bed with another guy…BINGO
There are people needing help here on this site, my dear. People who need the sage advice of “if he wants you to grow a beard” or “if he cums on your face and calls you ‘Frank’” there might be a problem. But then someone has to go and make jokes like this. It’s a real shame. I weep for the people like the woman who wrote this quote, someone who’s quite intelligent and articulate, but maybe just doesn’t want to see the reality of her husband’s sexual persuasion.
HE AIN’T GAY. HE IS QUEER AND THAT IS A PERVERSION. GAY MEANS HAPPY OR JOVIAL. QUEERS DO NOT CARE WHAT THEIR ACTIONS DO TO THIER FRIENDS OR RELATIVES AS THEY WILL CONDEMN THEIR OWN CHILDREN FOR NOT -ACCEPTING- THEM AS THEY ARE. QUEER IS ANOTHER WAY OF SHOWING THE ULTIMATE IN SELFISHNESS. THEY CAN’T HAVE SEX WITH THEMSELVES SO THEY GO TO THE NEXT STEP AND FIND ANOTHER PERSON OF LIKE GENDER TO ACHIEVE THE SAME GOAL. THIER GOAL IS ME-ME-ME!
With women out there with the intellect and understanding of this particular woman, gay husbands must certainly afoot. The jig is up bucko, so pull that cock out of your mouth and kiss your kids goodnight! Homosexuality will not be an option!
Nov.20.2006 Kramer: What’s the deal with n*ggers?
There’s a controversy a-brewin’ because Michael Richards got tired of a heckler and started shouting the word n*gger repeatedly, saying “Fifty years ago we’d have you upside down with a fucking fork up your ass … You can talk, you can talk, you’re brave now motherfucker. Throw his ass out. He’s a n*gger! He’s a n*gger! He’s a n*gger! A n*gger, look, there’s a n*gger!”
Since we have the inherent advantage that seemingly no other blog has of having a Black man writing for the Blog of Hilarity (seriously the Black community has a long way to go in blogging…golf, football quarterbacking, the Black community is making strides. Blogging, not so much), we decided to have a point-counterpoint about the video! Here’s the transcription:
Chris: So the guy said “n*gger.” So what? It’s a comedy show. The job of comedy is to challenge people’s viewpoints and perceptions. Even though the media likes to give other forms of media, like the news or even drama, so much leeway with sensitive issues. Comedy’s never allowed to tough that in any way.
Edgar: It’s not like he was being Lenny Bruce. It was pure anger. It didn’t make anyone laugh. In fact, it ended the whole act. And, while your viewpoint is understandable if he was really trying to do something to challenge the normalcies of comedy, he was reacting purely out of anger…
Chris: Slow down Edgar. I’m not a fucking court reporter.
Edgar: The fact is that a person like Lenny Bruce would use n*gger to go against conventions. Michael Richards was just getting into an argument with a black man at a show. There wasn’t any forethought or genius to it.
Chris: But then how come just saying n*gger is just this big thing? The guy is allowed to get all uppity, like such people are wont to do, just ruining Michael Richards’ set, and when Michael Richards finally gets at him, he uses one “taboo” word and it all goes to shit and he ends up having to issue an apology on Letterman.
Edgar: Some people in society are going to find certain words offensive. Like if you’re a Latino and you find spic offensive. Or if you’re Jewish and…what’s a good word for Jews?
Chris: Heeb? Money grubber? Cockroach?
Edgar: Big nose?
Chris: Air thief?
Edgar: It just signals a greater problem when you use words like that. You’re not just directing your anger towards one person, you’re directing it to a group of people…
Chris: Why can’t that just be directed at this one guy? Why is it just that because you say the word n*gger, all of a sudden you’re bringing the entire race to a concentration camp but if I call you a douchebag, that doesn’t slander all the douchebags out there and have the National Assocation for the Advancement of Douchebag People writing letters to me?
Edgar: It’s connotations. It’s how you use the words. If you say, “He’s acting n*ggerish,” that’s one thing. Acting n*ggerish is one thing. Saying all you people are n*ggers is another. It’s taking it somewhere stupid and unhuman. It would have been funny if the guy said, “He’s acting n*ggerish.” Then he might have been the Lenny Bruce of our time.
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I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree. I should note that I hate bleeping n*gger (and I’m aware of the hypocrisy of not also bleeping spic). I find it to be a cramp on my style and freedom. But I do it for you, dear reader. However now, rather than be branded a racist, I’ll be branded a n*gger lover. Or a l*beral.. Great.
The thing that annoys me the most about this Michael Richards thing is really that he should have come out with this fresh racial brand of comedy sooner. It could have really added another dimension to Seinfeld. Here’s how I’d have Kramer enter Jerry’s apartment every episode.
*Kramer busts in*
THE N*GGERS JERRY! THEY’VE GOT ME GOING…YAHHHHHH
Although, honestly Kramer was kind of n*ggerish. With his wacky schemes and not having a job. And his womanizing and absurd style. So see, maybe Kramer did have a right to use the epithet! He’s blacker than Redd Foxx!
